Marriage Is Not For Everyone

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate

One of the biggest concerns in getting married is to protect your shame (haya'). Who is better suited to help us do that? Women that come from descent families, who have the training in haya' and have that sense of shame.

But just because you think you are old enough to get married, or you have a beard, or you have graduated from college, you can't get married. Marriage doesn't work that way. You pursue it only if you are in some financial position to start a family. It is not get your lust out. If everything is taken care of by your parents, if you have a spoonfed life, you have no maturity to fend for yourself even for one day, then marriage is not for you. You have to be ready to take care of a household and able to fulfill your responsibility towards your parents before you can get married. Just because you have urges, that does not mean you are ready to get married.

We should have a real conversation with our children about marriage. We have to be cognizant of the fact that temptations are more accessible than ever before. We have to be able to deal with that, help our children face it, stand up and resist it, and make sure they are are matured enough before they get married. The solution is not marriage. Don't think that just because you get married, fahsha (immorality) is no longer a problem for you. It is a bigger problem than that.

...وَٱلْمُحْصَنَـٰتُ مِنَ ٱلنِّسَآءِ إِلَّا مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَـٰنُكُمْ ۖ كِتَـٰبَ ٱللَّهِ عَلَيْكُمْ ۚ وَأُحِلَّ لَكُم مَّا وَرَآءَ ذَ‌ٰلِكُمْ أَن تَبْتَغُوا۟ بِأَمْوَ‌ٰلِكُم مُّحْصِنِينَ غَيْرَ مُسَـٰفِحِينَ ۚ ...

And [also prohibited to you are all] married women except those your right hands possess. [This is] the decree of Allah upon you. And lawful to you are [all others] beyond these, [provided] that you seek them [in marriage] with [gifts from] your property, desiring chastity, not unlawful sexual intercourse. [Quran, An-Nisa 4:24]

We are living in an impulsive society. When you get a craving or an urge for something, it get fulfilled immediately. You get used to that. But when you become married, you are married to a human being, not to a device. Just because you have a certain feelings, that doesn't mean your spouse does. So what happened is that a lot of families go into chaos because the man is addicted to getting his desires fulfilled immediately. This is destructive for families. We are supposed to be a people of sabr (patience), which qualify us as believers. One of the salient qualities in a life of a believer is sabr, holding back. We have to control ourselves and hold ourselves back from immediate access to everything. Otherwise, you will have a messed up family life. You may not realize it now but you will discover that later in your life and you will bear the brunt of it.

وَأَن تَصْبِرُوا۟ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ ﴿٢٥...

...but to be patient is better for you. And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. [Quran, An-Nisa 4:25]

يُرِيدُ ٱللَّهُ لِيُبَيِّنَ لَكُمْ وَيَهْدِيَكُمْ سُنَنَ ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ وَيَتُوبَ عَلَيْكُمْ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ عَلِيمٌ حَكِيمٌ ﴿٢٦

Allah wants to make clear to you [the lawful from the unlawful] and guide you to the [good] practices of those before you and to accept your repentance. And Allah is Knowing and Wise. [Quran, An-Nisa 5:26]

Ramadhan is a month to really train ourselves patience, to transform ourselves to be better people, to our parents, our children, our spouses, our families and those around us.

May Allah make us from among the people of sabr. Ameen.

Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wasallam.

And Allah knows best and is Most Wise, and He alone grants success, and to Him is the final return of all.

Wassalaam