Who Said Marriage is All Honeymoon

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate

Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

Marriage counseling is one of America's fastest growing industries. Why? Because people are demanding more and more from their spouse and getting less and less content with their marriage.

As Muslims, we should know that marriage is not something we take lightly. Marriage is one of the heaviest sunnas to bear and most difficult rights to fulfill while being the most complete of matters in benefit and the greatest of virtues in reward. In it is the protection of the religion, perfection of character and the pride of the Master of creation.

It is reported that the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said: "When a slave married, he has completed half of the religion, so let him fear Allah in the remaining half."

Allah Almighty says,

يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَـٰكُم مِّن ذَكَرٍ وَأُنثَىٰ وَجَعَلْنَـٰكُمْ شُعُوبًا وَقَبَآئِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوٓا۟ ۚ إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِندَ ٱللَّـهِ أَتْقَىٰكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّـهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ ﴿١٣

O mankind, We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into races and tribes, so that you may know one another. Surely the noblest of you, in Allah’s sight, is the one who has taqwa (Godfearingness, righteousness, piety). Surely Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware. (13)

[Qur'an, al-Hujurat 49:13]

ـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوٓا۟ إِن تَتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّـهَ يَجْعَل لَّكُمْ فُرْقَانًا وَيُكَفِّرْ عَنكُمْ سَيِّـَٔاتِكُمْ وَيَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ ۗ وَٱللَّـهُ ذُو ٱلْفَضْلِ ٱلْعَظِيمِ ﴿٢٩

O you who have believed, if you fear Allah, He will grant you a criterion and will remove from you your misdeeds and forgive you. And Allah is the possessor of great bounty. (29)

[Qur'an, al-Anfal 8:29]

If you are thinking about getting married, first thing is that you must learn about marriage and rules pertaining to it. It becomes obligatory upon you to seek this knowledge once you intend to get married. You don't start swimming when you haven't learned how to swim. You will drown. Marriage is the same. If you are married and haven't learned it, you need to learn it now, especially if your marriage is drowning. This knowledge will help you steer your marriage towards the right direction, inshaAllah. Tawfiq.

First thing you need to know is that marriage is not about seeking or demanding your rights. It is about fulfilling duties and working together to help each other come closer to Allah. If this is not happening in your marriage, you ought to take a very serious look at it and try to fix it the best you can. First, look deep into your own behaviors rather than pointing finger at your spouse. It is easy to blame and see the inadequacies of the other person -- you can blame your spouse and your spouse can blame you but who is right? No amount of marital counseling would help couples who act this way. Even if you are right, even if you can convince everyone you are 100% right and you are able to drum up more supporters to take your side, it won't help fix your marriage. Marriage is not about any of these -- it is about cooperation, compromise and able to see things through the other person's lens. The key to accomplish all these is patience and forbearance. If you want the marriage, then you have to learn to be patient and forbear.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said:

​​A believer must not hate (his wife) believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with another.

[Muslim]

Never take your spouse for granted. If a man has a righteous and modest wife, he should be grateful. Having a righteous and modest wife is a great blessing a man is not able to thank Allah enough for. It is a huge relief of a mountain of headache by having a righteous and modest wife. Imagine husbands who have to keep thinking about his wife running off with a man while he is at work! So, bear your wife's argumentation and overbearingness patiently. Don't argue with your wife as it is not seemly for a man to argue with his wife. For a woman, observe around you -- a responsible husband and a chivalrous man is a scarce commodity nowadays. So, never forget your husband's favors, no matter how slight, and you should see your shortcomings in serving him. Try to ignore the shortcomings of your husband and admire his good qualities.

Allah brought a man and a woman together in matrimony for a purpose -- to know Him and to worship Him. So, seek to please Allah and no one else. When you do something for your spouse, you do it for Allah, not because your spouse deserves it, not because you expect something from your spouse. Don't expect anything from your spouse -- you will be content with your marriage that way. Leave the reward to Allah. Remember, Allah's treasure is greater than what your spouse can ever give you. By the same token, if you don't fulfill your duties, remember who you are displeasing more -- Allah.

Marriage is not all honeymoon. You have to work very hard at it and don't sweat the small stuff. The real bliss is in the Hereafter.

Make a Ramadhan resolution to remove any blameworthy traits that your spouse always complain about you. Take a few moments and list them down and work hard to remove them. Ask Allah to help you remove them and to replace them with praiseworthy traits.

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.

May Allah grant us patience. And success is from none other than Allah Alone.

Please don't forget us in your night prayers. Jazakallahu khairan.

And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam