In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Narrated by Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, "Faith (Belief) consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). And Haya' is a part of faith." (Bukhari)
Haya' is an inward trait that each believer, male and female, should strive to cultivate. Having haya' is not being wimpy or weak. It is having a sense of correctness.
Haya' has been variously translated as modesty, diffidence, timidity, bashfulness, shame or inhibition. However, it is much more than that. It is an unquestionably positive quality that stems from a strong sense of self-respect and Taqwa (consciousness/acute awareness of Allah). It enables one to shy away from the very idea of doing a deed that is displeasing in the sight of Allah, the Subtle, All-Aware, whether in public or private.
Haya’ includes a deep-rooted sense of humility that stops one from behaving boastfully, shamelessly promoting oneself at the expense of others, indulging in self-aggrandizement and ascribing goodness and purity to oneself.
Cultivating Haya’-- physical and spiritual -- are equally for men and women. In fact, the Qur’an addresses believing men before women, with the injunction to: “...limit or reduce some of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them.”
قُل لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَغُضُّوا۟ مِنْ أَبْصَـٰرِهِمْ وَيَحْفَظُوا۟ فُرُوجَهُمْ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ أَزْكَىٰ لَهُمْ ۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ خَبِيرٌۢ بِمَا يَصْنَعُونَ ﴿٣٠
... وَقُل لِّلْمُؤْمِنَـٰتِ يَغْضُضْنَ مِنْ أَبْصَـٰرِهِنَّ وَيَحْفَظْنَ فُرُوجَهُنَّ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا
Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do. (30) And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof ... [Qur’an, An-Nur 24:30-31]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) was “more shy than a veiled virgin girl” (Bukhari and Muslim), and, according to a narration in Bukhari, he “was neither a Faahish (a person who speaks obscene language to make people laugh), nor a Mutafahhish (a person who habitually uses bad language).”
Several men companions were well known for their sense of haya' – most notably 'Uthman Bin Affan, the Prophet’s son-in-law and the third Caliph of Islam.
`Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) reported:
Allah's Messenger (Allah bless him and grant him peace) was lying in the bed in my apartment with his thigh uncovered and Abu Bakr sought permission to enter. It was given to him and he conversed in the same very state (the Prophet's thigh or shank uncovered). Then `Umar sought permission for entering and it was given to him and he conversed in that very state. Then `Uthman sought permission to enter; Allah's Messenger (Allah bless him and grant him peace) sat down and he set right his clothes. Muhammad (one of the narrators) said: I do not say that it happened on the same day. He (`Uthman) then entered and conversed and as he went out, `Aisha said: Abu Bakr entered and you did not stir and did not observe much care (in arranging your clothes), then `Umar entered and you did not stir and did not arrange your clothes, then `Uthman entered and you got up and set your clothes right, so he (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: Should I not show modesty to one whom even the Angels show modesty.
حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ يَحْيَى، وَيَحْيَى بْنُ أَيُّوبَ، وَقُتَيْبَةُ، وَابْنُ، حُجْرٍ قَالَ يَحْيَى بْنُ يَحْيَى أَخْبَرَنَا وَقَالَ الآخَرُونَ، حَدَّثَنَا إِسْمَاعِيلُ، - يَعْنُونَ ابْنَ جَعْفَرٍ - عَنْ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ أَبِي حَرْمَلَةَ، عَنْ عَطَاءٍ، وَسُلَيْمَانَ، ابْنَىْ يَسَارٍ وَأَبِي سَلَمَةَ بْنِ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ أَنَّ عَائِشَةَ، قَالَتْ كَانَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم مُضْطَجِعًا فِي بَيْتِي كَاشِفًا عَنْ فَخِذَيْهِ أَوْ سَاقَيْهِ فَاسْتَأْذَنَ أَبُو بَكْرٍ فَأَذِنَ لَهُ وَهُوَ عَلَى تِلْكَ الْحَالِ فَتَحَدَّثَ ثُمَّ اسْتَأْذَنَ عُمَرُ فَأَذِنَ لَهُ وَهُوَ كَذَلِكَ فَتَحَدَّثَ ثُمَّ اسْتَأْذَنَ عُثْمَانُ فَجَلَسَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَسَوَّى ثِيَابَهُ - قَالَ مُحَمَّدٌ وَلاَ أَقُولُ ذَلِكَ فِي يَوْمٍ وَاحِدٍ - فَدَخَلَ فَتَحَدَّثَ فَلَمَّا خَرَجَ قَالَتْ عَائِشَةُ دَخَلَ أَبُو بَكْرٍ فَلَمْ تَهْتَشَّ لَهُ وَلَمْ تُبَالِهِ ثُمَّ دَخَلَ عُمَرُ فَلَمْ تَهْتَشَّ لَهُ وَلَمْ تُبَالِهِ ثُمَّ دَخَلَ عُثْمَانُ فَجَلَسْتَ وَسَوَّيْتَ ثِيَابَكَ فَقَالَ " أَلاَ أَسْتَحِي مِنْ رَجُلٍ تَسْتَحِي مِنْهُ الْمَلاَئِكَةُ " .
[Muslim]
The Companion Dihyah Al-Kalbi had such a pleasing appearance that he voluntarily wore a face-covering whenever he went out, in order to avoid being the cynosure of all eyes. Undoubtedly, the heightened sense of modesty among the companions was a reflection of their strong faith.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) was conscious of preserving the modesty of others and never stared at people directly or reprimanded offenders by name in public. He discouraged his companions from exaggerating their respect for him out of a sense of humility, and never adopted the mannerisms or lifestyle of a spiritual or temporal ‘ruler of men’.
Ibn Mas’ud (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said:
“One of the things people have learned from the words of the earliest prophecies is, “If you don’t feel any shame, do whatever you like.” [Al-Bukhari]
وَعَنْ أَبِي مَسْعُودٍ - رضى الله عنه - قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اَللَّهِ - صلى الله عليه وسلم -{ إِنَّ مِمَّا أَدْرَكَ اَلنَّاسُ مِنْ كَلَامِ اَلنُّبُوَّةِ اَلْأُولَى: إِذَا لَمْ تَسْتَحِ, فَاصْنَعْ مَا شِئْتَ } أَخْرَجَهُ اَلْبُخَارِيُّ
The global meaning of this hadith is to be people who have modesty. It is the key aim of Islam to inculcate in people a sense of haya'. Haya' prevents a person from committing shameful and evil deeds, and encourages him towards piety and good actions.
This idea that if I do this someone might take me wrong and so I am not going to do this. There is this sense of proper conduct. Haya' always bring good with it.
Have Haya' from Allah is like you have two righteous man always with you. This will naturally influence your conduct. The sense of Allah looking at you will give you this shame before Allah and Allah is more worthy of the shame.
"Haya' from Allah is that you protect the head in what it comprehends, and the stomach in what it contains, and that you remember death and decay. Whoever wants the next life leaves the adornment of this life. Whoever does that has truly had haya' from Allah." Ibn Mas'ud (Ahmad, Tirmidhi)
Someone who does not care about Allah looking at him, about people looking at him and does not care about what is proper, nothing can stop this person from any ugly act, as if he has no faith. So if you feel no shame, then do what you want. You are basically a worthless person. You cannot be guided. And you shall face the consequences. This is the specific meaning of the above hadith as what some scholars said.
Haya' is the most important trait that people can have when dealing with people. When you are going to situation when no one knows you, you can do anything and get away with it. That is when evil or selfishness comes out from people. Inculcating haya' from within us can only bring good, and destroying it will bring only bad.
The true haya' of a Muslim woman boils down to confidence when dealing with man. For example, her communication is not giggly, not talking in incomplete sentence, not having a weak physical language--leaning, head not straight, etc, her voice is not too soft and low and she avoids flowery topics. All interactions are direct and clear, and give no room for mistaken understanding. She gets to the point. Man will be forced to deal with her to the point and give her what she needs. However, the rule of thumb is we do not interact with the opposite gender except for a reason--such as learning, business and maintaining family relation.
We can also learn Haya' from the story of Prophet Musa (peace be upon him) and the two women of Madyan-- how Musa (peace be upon him) interacted with the women of Madyan and how the women interacted with him -- with complete haya'. The Qur'an described the woman as being full of haya' when she was coming toward Prophet Musa (peace be upon him). She was covered with haya'. Everything she did was clear to the point and she avoided all misunderstanding.
قَالَ مَا خَطْبُكُمَا ۖ قَالَتَا لَا نَسْقِى حَتَّىٰ يُصْدِرَ ٱلرِّعَآءُ ۖ وَأَبُونَا شَيْخٌ كَبِيرٌ ﴿٢٣﴾ فَسَقَىٰ لَهُمَا ثُمَّ تَوَلَّىٰٓ إِلَى ٱلظِّلِّ فَقَالَ رَبِّ إِنِّى لِمَآ أَنزَلْتَ إِلَىَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ ﴿٢٤
...He said, "What is your circumstance?" They said, "We do not water until the shepherds dispatch [their flocks]; and our father is an old man." (23) So he watered [their flocks] for them; then he went back to the shade and said, "My Lord, indeed I am, for whatever good You would send down to me, in need." (24) [Qur'an, Al-Qasas 28:23:24]
... فَجَآءَتْهُ إِحْدَىٰهُمَا تَمْشِى عَلَى ٱسْتِحْيَآءٍ قَالَتْ إِنَّ أَبِى يَدْعُوكَ لِيَجْزِيَكَ أَجْرَ مَا سَقَيْتَ لَنَا
... Then one of the two women came to him walking with shyness. She said, "Indeed, my father invites you that he may reward you for having watered for us." ... [Qur'an, Al-Qasas 28:25]
Narrated on the authority of Anas bin Malik (may Allah be pleased with him), the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: When lewdness is a part of anything, it becomes defective; and when haya' is a part of anything it becomes beautiful. (Tirmidhi)
Therefore, it is only obvious that hijab plays an extremely important role in regards to haya'. For hijab prevents lewdness and haya' backs this up and then person's Iman becomes even stronger.
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: "Allah is more deserving of one’s sense of haya' than people are. [Bukhari]
So, even though it is not obligatory to wear hijab in the home while alone or around mahram (unmarriageable relatives) only, it is a general proper etiquette (adab) to cover the body and wear a head covering in the home, when reasonably possible, as an expression of one’s modesty and dignity before Allah. Likewise, it is proper adab for men to cover their body (beyond between navel and knees) and have their head covered at home as well. If you do this, not only it is an expression of modesty and dignity before Allah, you are also inculcating haya' in your children.
Cultivating Haya' in Our Children
It is important that we start inculcating haya' in our children, especially haya' around the opposite gender. If we instill haya' in our children at an early age then, whenever our children are near the vicinity of the opposite gender, they will feel shy and, therefore, will not act inappropriately. It is also important that we keep the communication channels open with our children so that we can talk and explain to them things, and they can ask us questions, without any party feeling embarrassed. Then, when they are older, and with our help, they will begin to understand why it is that there cannot be a thing called 'boyfriend-girlfriend relationship'.
For girls, it is important to teach them not to make their voices sweet and seductive in the presence of non-mahrams. This is done by lowering the voice and not being flirtatious.
يَـٰنِسَآءَ ٱلنَّبِىِّ لَسْتُنَّ كَأَحَدٍ مِّنَ ٱلنِّسَآءِ ۚ إِنِ ٱتَّقَيْتُنَّ فَلَا تَخْضَعْنَ بِٱلْقَوْلِ فَيَطْمَعَ ٱلَّذِى فِى قَلْبِهِۦ مَرَضٌ وَقُلْنَ قَوْلًا مَّعْرُوفًا ﴿٣٢[Qur'an, Al-Ahzab 33:32]
O wives of the Prophet, you are not like anyone among women. If you fear Allah, then do not be soft in speech [to men], lest he in whose heart is disease should covet, but speak with appropriate speech. (32)
It is inappropriate for girls (and women for that matter) to giggle or laugh aloud with the boys or men. When a girl speaks, she should be clear to the point and avoid all misunderstanding.
Parents should acquaint their daughters with wearing proper hijabs and modest, non-fitting clothing well before puberty so they are used to them. So, by the time they reach puberty they are already wearing hijab and they already learn not to draw attention to themselves. It is a big mistake to begin little girls with dresses or clothing that are considered seductive in women and to allow or encourage them to put nail/toe polish or make up, even for play or at home. What is the benefit?
As well for boys, we should teach our sons to wear appropriate, non-fitting clothing, and give them long sleeves shirt and long loose pants or slacks to wear. They should not be accustomed to wearing tight jeans or shorts. Also, teach our boys to lower their gazes around non-mahrams.
Inculcating haya' from within us can only bring good, and destroying it will bring only bad. The proper manners of Islamic Law are means that Allah Almighty and His beloved Messenger (Allah bless him and grant him peace) have shown us towards having haya'. It is the means to the realization of our slavehood, love, and thankfulness to Allah.
May Allah grant us haya' and strengthen our Iman. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wasallam.
And Allah knows best and He alone grant success.
Wassalaam
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