In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam, told us that one of the signs of the end of time is that there would be much disrespect from children to their parents. This is very common nowadays and has become a global epidemic.
Many children don't realize that respecting their parents is an obligation upon them in the religion. Children raising their voices to their parents and children physically mistreating their parents have become apparent in many societies. Many don't even think that disrespecting or mistreating their parents is one of the worst sins that a person can gather for themselves, and they will be punished in this world before the next.
The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said:
"Shall I tell you of the worst major sins? Worshiping others with Allah, showing disrespect to parents, giving a false statement, and testifying to the truth of a falsehood. " And he kept repeating it until we were telling ourselves (out of sympathy for him because of the strain of repeating it), "If only he would be silent.”[Bukhari, Muslim, Tirmidhi]
A story was told, a true story happened in our time, that a man had bought an apartment from a Muslim man in a Muslim country. When he went to the apartment, there was an old woman in the apartment and he then learned that she was the mother of the Seller. He went back to the Seller and told him about his mother and the Seller said, "I sold you the house and my mother." The buyer gladly took the deal and took care of the old woman until she died 40 days later.
Don't think that you only nice to your parents because they are nice to you. Even if your parents are not fulfilling their obligations as parents, you still must fulfill their rights as parents.
It is reported that the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, has said,
"Whoever comes into the morning and both his parents are pleased with him, he comes into the morning with two doors of Paradise open to him. Whoever goes into the evening and both parents are pleased with him, he goes into the evening with two doors of Paradise open for him. And if he has just one parent, then one door of Paradise is open to him. Whoever comes into the morning and both his parents are angry with him, he comes into the morning with 2 doors of hellfire open to him. Whoever goes into the evening with both parents are angry with him, he goes into the evening with 2 doors of hellfire open to him. And if he has just one parent, then one door is open for him."
After realizing this huge position of parents that the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, was telling the companions about, one of the Companions asked, "Even if the parents were oppressive to them?" The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, replied, "Even if they oppress the child, even if they oppress the child, even if they oppress the child."
Always, always, always, speak to your parents in a soft, gentle and noble manner as described in the Qur'an
وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا ﴿٢٣﴾ وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ﴿٢٤[Qur'an Al-Isra' 17:23-34]
And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. (23) And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small."
Children should lower the wings of humility to their parents, whether it is giving them advice/nasiha or enjoining righteousness and forbidding evil. You cannot use force and harshness in teaching or advising your parents. If your parents don't like it and angered by it, leave it. It is one of the worst sins to make your parents angry.
Do not raise your voice over your parents. Stay calm. If you yell a lot, raise your voices, and are argumentative, they will get more excited. No matter how much you think you're right, usually your parent is right. Realize this, you are only a child, they have much more experience than you, and they are probably doing it to protect you. But it's hard to realize this when you are arguing with your parents. Write this on your hand or wrist: "Work before play, theirs before mine, they know best." This will usually help you remember to do what they say.
Don't use bad language. Most people don't think bad language is cool, so do your parents. People who use bad language make them look stupid--your parents don't want you to look stupid.
Think before you speak. This means before you tell your mom/dad that they're stupid, or don't know what they are talking about, think about that. Do you know how to do half the things your parents know how to do? Like change oil in a car, or balance a checkbook, or file taxes, or all those grown up things? Probably not. So before you speak something rude, make sure you know what you're getting into.
Accept consequences. If your parents tell you to go to your room or take away your privileges because you talked back, accept it, don't argue, because chances are, you're wrong, and they're right. It's sad to say, but it's true. They are just trying to teach you skills you need to grow up.
Listen. You need to listen, listen, listen. Instead of throwing a tantrum, listen to what they have to say, and don't be stubborn to accept it. Think about it.
Honor your parents. Don't lie to them, and don't do any sneaky stuff, because they know what you're doing anyway, there's no way around it. Help them build a wall of trust for you, but when you get it, don't let it fall down again.
Be grateful to your parents. If you are not grateful to your parents means you are not grateful to Allah for choosing your parents for you. Part of being grateful to your parents is to make a habit to make this du'a mentioned in the Qur'an for your parents after each prescribed daily prayer.
رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا
"My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small."
Your parents have raised you or is raising you whether you consider they have done a good job or not. That is up to their Lord to judge. But don't think it has been a breeze for them. Taking care of anybody requires a lot of patience and mercy. When you were just born, your mother could have flushed you down the toilet or bundle you up and leave you at the doorstep of an orphanage or give you away for adoption. But she didn't do any of that but went through many sleepless nights caring for you. And here you are, safe and sound. Learn the du'a above and make this du'a for them. When you make this du'a, some scholars said that you are also asking Allah to put in your heart mercy that you will be able to take care of them just as they were able to take care of you. Even if your parents didn't raise you, there is no harm for you to make this du'a.
Disrespecting your parents is a high matter indeed. If you hope for success in this life and the next, you should be nice to your parents. Listen to them and make them feel good. Don't make them angry, worried or sad because of you. Get along with your siblings and choose your friends wisely.
If you remember this Golden Rule, "Do as you would like to be done to you," you won't go wrong with your parents.
You can expect all kinds of good will come in your life if you are kind to your parents. The opposite is true if you are bad to your parents. What goes around comes around.
Allah Almighty says,
هَلْ جَزَآءُ ٱلْإِحْسَـٰنِ إِلَّا ٱلْإِحْسَـٰنُ ﴿٦٠﴾ فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ ﴿٦١[Qur'an, Ar-Rahman 55:60-61]
Is the reward for good [anything] but good? (60) So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny? (61)
May Allah help us raise our children well and grant them good character and righteousness. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
Please include us in your night prayers. Jazakallahu khairan.
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
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