Bismillah
Allah Subhanahu Ta'ala says in Surah An-Nisa,
ٱلرِّجَالُ قَوَّٰمُونَ عَلَى ٱلنِّسَآءِ
بِمَا فَضَّلَ ٱللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَبِمَآ أَنفَقُوا۟ مِنْ
أَمْوَٰلِهِ
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has preferred in bounty one of them over another, and for that they have expended of their property. (Quran, An-Nisa 4:34)
The Ayah opens up by telling us that men are “qawwam” to
women. Allah has given men preference over women. This is a profound language. Qawwam are committed caretakers and protectors to women.
This Ayah is not about superiority of men but it is about the greater responsibility of men. In some things men are being given an advantage, in other things women are being given an advantage.
None of us will dare to say that he has a higher rank than his mother. We know the high maqam (status) of mothers in Islam. Immediately after worship of Him, Allah goes to talk about ihsan (excellent treatment) towards the parents. He elaborates by talking about what the mother has done for her child. The status of mother is a very serious thing.
وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ
إِحْسَٰنًا ۖ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ كُرْهًا وَوَضَعَتْهُ
كُرْهًا ۖ وَحَمْلُهُۥ وَفِصَٰلُهُۥ ثَلَٰثُونَ
شَهْرًا ۚ حَتَّىٰٓ إِذَا بَلَغَ أَشُدَّهُۥ وَبَلَغَ
أَرْبَعِينَ سَنَةً قَالَ رَبِّ أَوْزِعْنِىٓ أَنْ أَشْكُرَ نِعْمَتَكَ ٱلَّتِىٓ
أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَىَّ وَعَلَىٰ وَٰلِدَىَّ وَأَنْ أَعْمَلَ صَٰلِحًا تَرْضَىٰهُ
وَأَصْلِحْ لِى فِى ذُرِّيَّتِىٓ ۖ إِنِّى تُبْتُ إِلَيْكَ وَإِنِّى مِنَ
ٱلْمُسْلِمِينَ ﴿١٥﴾
And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good
treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with
hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows]
until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says,
"My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed
upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve
and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and
indeed, I am of the Muslims." (Quran, Al Ahqaf 46:15)
In our relationship with our mothers, our mothers are given more preference than us.
Bani Israel was given preference over anybody else in that Allah
gave them more Prophets than anybody else. The Messengers ( أُو۟لُوا۟ ٱلْعَزْمِ ) were given more
preference which means they were given a heavier duty and harder tasks than other Prophets. Allah
chose this Ummah and the Sahabah for the heavier duty of carrying His Message.
Allah doesn’t allow the notion of responsibility and
preference to be separated. When the Israelite refused to carry their
responsibilities they became the preferred to the one cursed.
The Islamic divorce laws seem like heavy handed because
the man is given the right to divorce his wife with as easy as the word. However, Allah gave warnings to men, not one but multiple threats against transgression and
injustices towards their womenfolk. Why? Because you were just given an
advantage – which means if you play with this advantage you are more in trouble
with Allah than anybody else.
In our religion, it makes no sense if you take the taqwa of
Allah (mindfulness and fear of Allah) out of the equation. If you just have the
rules and the rules are so separated from mindfulness of Allah, then those
rules become a means of injustice. It is with the taqwa of Allah that Islam
delivers justice, fairness and beauty.
As qawwam, you are the security, the protector, the maintainer of peace, the
maintainer of stability in the home. Even if you have to correct their wrong, you don’t embarrass them -- you find a
time that is safe for them, so to protect their feelings and dignity. Qawwam do not make passing comments at their women
in their family.
If there is any wrongdoing, as qawwam, you understand the
wrong that was done, at least you acknowledge the wrong. You take delicate
approach to settle problems between women in your household. Your job is to
deescalate problems, not escalate or ignore them. Everybody in the family might try to pull
you towards them and your job is to stand up straight. When you stand up upright, everybody
calms down because you are there. You are going to regulate everybody’s emotion
too. You have to take a delicate role. Allah said that role is tested over and
over again, in different ways all the time.
Tell your family to pray and stay firm yourself. If your mother is doing something haram, as a son, protecting her is to take care of her not
only in this world, but also her akhirah. In advising her to stop the haram, you do it with much respect, love and care.
Men have a financial responsibility towards the women in their
lives. The spirit of the Quran and the Message of the Quran creates men that
are financially responsible. Once you are the breadwinner in the home, got the
job, and making the money, you don’t get to decide who gets more or less based
on somebody else’s feelings but based on the principles of Allah that are given
to you. Nobody can compel you to commit waste (israf). You make the decision with Allah and justice
in mind first, and when that happens everybody might hate you. But you must
stand by the right thing. You don’t become the enemy to any of them, but you
become qawwam and stood by the right things.
Clearly, this Ayah does not give you a lofty first class seat in the
family. This Ayah actually puts you on the hook. You become responsible with money
decisions. And at the end of the day you have to keep an eye with where the money
is going. Sometimes when the budget is tight, you have to make tough decisions. There
will always be people who don’t like your decision but you have to be man
enough to make that decision.
May Allah grant us taqwa and enable us to engage His Words with
humility and sincerity. May Allah open the door of His wisdom and understanding onto
our hearts, not only to understand it clearly but also to express it to others
properly. Aameen.
Allahumma salli ala Muhammad wa ala aalihi wasahbihi wassalaam.
And Allah knows best.
