Secret to Dealing with Chronic Complainers

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

No matter how good things get, some people just cannot bring themselves to see the good. They would see only bad – and they would go to great lengths to point it out to everyone around them. Those are the complainers.

Optimists believe the glass is half full; pessimists believe the glass is half empty; chronic complainers believe the water is tepid, the glass has a smudge and wait, is that a streak on the side because I just got new dish washing detergent that isn't supposed to leave streaks, so great, what a waste of money, it's just so unfair, why do these things keep happening to me?

Being around a constant complainer is exhausting. If you don't have patience, it is irritating.
When someone around us tends to think and react in negative and pessimistic ways we can "catch" their way of thinking without realizing it. For example, one study found that college roommates of people with negative thinking styles became more negative themselves over the course of the year.

What makes it so difficult to deal with chronic complainers is how resistant they are to support, cheering-up or advice. Indeed, trying to be helpful in such ways will probably backfire because more often than not, nothing makes a chronic complainer happier than being totally miserable.

The secret to dealing with a chronic complainer is to first understand his mindset:

1. Chronic complainers do not usually see themselves as negative people -- they see the world as negative and themselves as merely responding appropriately to annoying, aggravating and unfortunate circumstances. In other words, they complain excessively because they believe they have ample reason to do so. Therefore, do not try to convince a chronic complainer the specific situation they are in or their life as a whole is not as bad as they think -- they will happily bring up other misfortunes to convince you it is.

2. Chronic complainers complain for one main reason -- to get sympathy and validation for how bad, unfair, or annoying their situation is. Therefore, the quickest way to cut a complaining soliloquy short is to give them what they seek -- express sympathy, validate their feelings and then redirect them back to whatever you were doing (e.g., "You had another terrible headaches last night? SubhanAllah, you have had so many of those lately! It must be miserable! That must makes it really hard to fall sleep but I hope you can be a trooper because you really need to get well")

3. Chronic complainers constantly focus on the negative because being victims or unfortunates is a part of their very identity. That is why they react poorly to advice because resolving the issue would take away public recognition of their 'hardship' and threaten their sense of self. Therefore, do not offer advice and stick to sympathy and emotional validation. However, in cases in which the person's problem is authentically distressing and you have valuable advice that could truly help, offer sympathy first, make the advice short and to the point and do not repeat or elaborate it if you get rebuffed.

Many of us are complainers to a certain degree and don't realize it. Catch yourself complain one day and you will agree. Whatever problems you have, try not to complain. Instead, show gratitude. Look at yourself in the mirror in a humble fashion. Recognize that you won't be able to see yourself if Allah didn't bless you with your eyes, even if you have weak eyes. Your eye is a tremendous blessing from Allah. You wouldn't trade it for anything, would you? If you deny one blessing, it is as if you are denying all the other blessings.

How bad can bad be? Nothing is bad if you see it as a gift from Allah. Do you complain when someone give you a gift? Why would you complain about a gift from the One who knows you better than yourself. Nothing is really bad if you are still breathing because as long as you are breathing, Allah is giving you the opportunity to come closer to Him. Thinking positively, what is so bad about what you are facing right now when you compare your situation with worser situation? As long as we are breathing, Allah is giving us the opportunity to come closer to Him. Every moment of our lives is precious. Complain necessarily takes away your precious time.

Say Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah for everything.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said:

I am amazed at the affair of the believer, it is all good. If he goes through times of difficulty he is patient, if he goes through times of ease, he is thankful.

If you live with complainers, be patient. Recognize that they are a test of your patience.

Patience (sabr) is one of the most foundation of all virtues and difficult to inculcate. All of us are tested with patience everyday. Allah's reward is tremendous for the patient one.

Patience is to faith as what the head is to body. There is no way of disposing patience. As long as we are alive, we are required to be patient. Otherwise, we are going to abuse ourselves if we are not patient.

Everything around us is teaching us to be impatient. For example, the marvelous air conditioners (AC) -- when it is a little hot, turn on the AC. Then there is this credit card -- when you see something, you can't wait till you actually have the money for it, pull out the plastic; automobiles -- can't walk to the store a block away, start the engine; fast food and restaurants, etc. So, it is actually a blessing when Allah puts you in a situation that causes you to be patient.

If you think you have patience, go to hajj, or take care of a sick person. Until you are tested with all the different scenarios, you can't say you have patience.

May Allah make us among the grateful and the patient. Ameen.

Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.

Please don't forget us in your night prayers. Jazakallahu khairan.

And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam