بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Fulfilling the ties of kinship is one of the earliest commandments that came down to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. It is the essential part of our religion. Being good to one’s famiily and relatives is a reality that goes before our tradition. Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala says,
وَإِذْ أَخَذْنَا مِيثَاقَ بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ لَا تَعْبُدُونَ إِلَّا اللَّـهَ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا وَذِي الْقُرْبَىٰ وَالْيَتَامَىٰ وَالْمَسَاكِينِ وَقُولُوا لِلنَّاسِ حُسْنًا وَأَقِيمُوا الصَّلَاةَ وَآتُوا الزَّكَاةَ ثُمَّ تَوَلَّيْتُمْ إِلَّا قَلِيلًا مِّنكُمْ وَأَنتُم مُّعْرِضُونَ ﴿٨٣
And [recall] when We took the covenant from the Children of Israel, [enjoining upon them], "Do not worship except Allah; and to parents do good (ihsaan) and to relatives, orphans, and the needy. And speak to people good [words] and establish prayer and give zakah." Then you turned away, except a few of you, and you were refusing. [Quran, Al Baqarah 2:83]
Of all the people that we should be good to, your parents are at the top. Right after that is your spouse and your children. Then your siblings, then your relatives and extended family. Your kin are the people who share the same ancestry with you in recent history. The closer the kinship the closer the right.
Fulfilling the ties of kinship is a duty. Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala says,
يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالًا كَثِيرًا وَنِسَاءً ۚ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّـهَ الَّذِي تَسَاءَلُونَ بِهِ وَالْأَرْحَامَ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّـهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيبًا ﴿١﴾
O mankind, fear your Lord, who created you from one soul and created from it its mate and dispersed from both of them many men and women. And fear Allah, through whom you ask one another, and (do not cut the relations of ) the wombs (kinship). Indeed Allah is ever, over you, an Observer. [Quran, An-Nisa’ 4:1)
وَآتِ ذَا الْقُرْبَىٰ حَقَّهُ وَالْمِسْكِينَ وَابْنَ السَّبِيلِ وَلَا تُبَذِّرْ تَبْذِيرًا ﴿٢٦
And give the relative his right, and [also] the poor and the traveler, and do not spend wastefully. [Quran, Al Isra’ 17:26]
Allah has warned us against cutting the ties of kinship,
وَالَّذِينَ يَنقُضُونَ عَهْدَ اللَّـهِ مِن بَعْدِ مِيثَاقِهِ وَيَقْطَعُونَ مَا أَمَرَ اللَّـهُ بِهِ أَن يُوصَلَ وَيُفْسِدُونَ فِي الْأَرْضِ ۙ أُولَـٰئِكَ لَهُمُ اللَّعْنَةُ وَلَهُمْ سُوءُ الدَّارِ ﴿٢٥up
But those who break the covenant of Allah after contracting it and sever that which Allah has ordered to be joined (i.e., they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives) and spread corruption on earth - for them is the curse, and they will have the worst home. [Quran, Al-Ra’d 13:25]
There are very few things that Allah curses in the Quran. What punishment could be worse than the curse and the evil home that awaits those who sever the ties of kinship?
Abu Hurayra radhiAllahu anhu said, “The Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wasallam said,
“Allah created the universe, and when He had finished, kinship (al-rahm) stood up and said, “This is the standing up of one who seeks Your protection from being cut off.”
Allah said, “Yes, would it please you if I were to take care of those who take care of you and cut off those who cut you off?”
It said, “Of course.”
Allah said, “Then your prayer in granted.”’”
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam said, “Recite, if you wish (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.’ [Quran, Muhammad 47:22-23).”
[Sahih Muslim bi Sharh al-Nawawi, 16/112].
Who is the one who fulfills the ties of kinship? This was explained by the Messenger sallallahu alayi wasallam when he said,
“The one who maintains a relationship with his relatives only because they maintain a relationship with him is not truly fulfills the ties of kinship. The one who truly fulfills those ties is the one who does so even if they break off the relationship.”[Bukhari]
If the relationship is merely one of returning favors and giving like in return for like, and not taking the initiative, then this is not fulfilling the ties of kinship, it is only responding in kind. Some people follow the principle of giving a gift in return for a gift, and visiting in return for a visit, so if someone does not give them a gift, they do not give him a gift, and if he does not visit them, they do not visit him. This is not what is meant by fulfilling the ties of kinship at all, and this is not what is required by Islam. This is merely responding in kind, it is not the higher degree which Islam urges us to reach. A man said to the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam),
‘I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me.’
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam said,
“If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot dust in their mouths. Allah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.” [Muslim with commentary by al-Nawawi, 16/115].
Who could bear to put up with hot dust? We seek refuge with Allah from cutting off the ties of kinship. Aameen.
Aisha radhiAllahu anha reported Allah’s Messenger sallallahu alayhi wasallam as saying,
The tie of kinship is suspended to the Throne and says: He who unites me Allah would unite him and he who severed me Allah would sever him. [Muslim]
Be very careful about keeping the ties of kinship. Every single family has issues and politics. This is the reality of life. You have to live with it and move on with it. You need to move on and heal those wounds. If there is a family member that is abusive and harming you, obviously we are not talking about that. Otherwise just sarcastic remarks and bad manners, this is part of the friction of life. This is ineveitable. Just as for sure you have been imperfect to other people’s relationship just as other people have been imperfect to you. But time heals all wounds. One of the ironies of life is that tragedies bring family together. Before that time comes, bring some reconcialition. Be the better of the two.
The main problem that happens between two family members that have an issue is ego. For some reason, ego becomes so big for family and not for other people. The ego should be smaller for family but seldom so. Make du’a and begin with positive gesture to mend the family relationship. The one who fulfills the ties of kinship, the one who mends the family relationship is the better of the two. Let us get there to that level.
The Prophet sallalalahu alayhi wasallam said, “Whoever wishes his rizq (provision/sustenance) be increased and his life be extended, then let him fulfill the ties of kinship.” [Bukhari and Muslim]
Who amongst us does not want to live a long life and who amongst us does not want more wealth? So, if you want to live longer, happier, healthier, then you be the better person for your family and be the kinder, gentler and the more compassionate to your family. That relative that you have an issue with, this is the perfect time to be the better of the two. Make the phone call, send a message on a positive note, and give a gift. Inshaa Allah you will see the reality of this hadith and Allah will bless you.
May Allah make us the better person of the two in any situation and make us of those who keep our families close to us at all times. Aameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wasallam.
And Allah knows best and is Most Wise, and He alone grants success, and to Him is the final return of all.
Wassalaam
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