بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wasallam.
Forgiving is to stop hoping for the past didn't happen.
Our focus is not simply in
how much we pray, although that has its place. Rather we are so focused
on gaining the pleasure of Allah that people’s wrongs against us are
insignificant. This is why Allah described the believers as,
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَجْتَنِبُونَ كَبَـٰٓئِرَ ٱلْإِثْمِ وَٱلْفَوَٰحِشَ وَإِذَا مَا غَضِبُوا۟ هُمْ يَغْفِرُونَ ﴿٣٧
And those who avoid the major sins and immoralities, and when they are angry, they forgive, (37)
[Quran, ash-Shu’ara 42:37].
Many of us can't forgive our parents or people close to us when they say
hurtful things in anger. We hold grudges for years, unable to forget
the things people have done to us. On the one hand, we feel justified in
feeling this way. After all, we are the ones wronged.
It is natural to be upset at someone when they've hurt you. The Prophet
(sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) told us that a Muslim is not allowed to
break off ties with another Muslim for more than 3 days, recognizing
that we need time to cool off. Yet what is unhealthy, and often
destructive, is the inability to forgive and move on.
The inability to forgive affects us spiritually and psychologically, and
has a detrimental effect on our health. One study showed that people
who focused on a personal grudge had increased blood pressure and heart
rates, as well as increased muscle tension and feelings of being less in
control. Participants in this study were asked to imagine forgiving
their wrongdoers, and they said they felt more positive and relaxed and
thus, the changes disappeared.
Forgiving means not carrying a grudge in your heart against that person.
Forgiving means that if you were given the chance to retaliate, you
would choose not to. Forgiving means not wishing evil, even if secretly,
upon the person. It means you can continue to be civil towards them,
and that you can even bring yourself to pray for their well-being and
guidance.
Forgiveness does not mean that you cannot learn from the trial. It
doesn’t mean that the person did not do wrong, nor does it justify what
they did. If you trusted someone and they betrayed your trust,
forgiveness does not mean that you have to trust them again if they
haven’t given you reason to. You are able to treat them well, without
resentment in your heart, but if you learned something about their
character, you should keep that in mind when dealing with them.
Forgiveness is not for the weak. Being able to forgive those who have
wronged you is a mark of spiritual strength and confidence. When you
forgive, you grow, your heart begins to heal, your back straightens up,
your eyes clear so that you can see the road ahead.
It doesn’t matter if the other person deserves forgiveness or not. Forgiveness
is a gift you give to yourself. If someone has hurt you, don’t worry
about receiving an apology or explanation, or making them understand
you. You’ll rarely get an explanation that makes sense. In fact, if you
want to move on, the best way to do that is to forgive.
Resentment is a chain that binds you to the other person, but
forgiveness breaks the chain, so that you can release that person along
your anger.
Anger is a spiritual sickness; but when you forgive you become healthy--mind, body and soul.
In ancient Chinese thought, the state of forgiveness is like a wide,
deep valley. That’s because it opens your mind and allows your thoughts
to flow freely, while anger constricts your mind and makes you blind.
When we are preoccupied with the wrongs others have committed against
us, we lose focus of one of the most beautiful ways to get closer to
Allah. The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said:
“There was a merchant who used to extend credit to people. If he found
one of his customers to be in straightened means, he would say to his
assistants: “Forgive them their debt, perhaps Allah will forgive us.”
Allah did forgive him.” [Bukhari/Muslim]
There is a direct correlation between the ways we treat others and how
Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta’ala) treats us. We all know the Prophet’s (sal
Allahu alayhi wa sallam) famous saying “Have mercy on those on the
earth, and the One in heaven will have mercy on you” [Tirmidhi].
Of course, Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta’ala) is incomparably greater and more
merciful than us. Therefore, whatever we do for others, Allah will
multiply that for us. If we are sincere in wanting Allah (Subhanahu wa
Ta’ala) to forgive us for our many slip-ups and sins, we should be
prepared to do that for others.
We are not being asked to condone what others have done to us, but
rather we should acknowledge that they have hurt us and it was wrong. We
should reflect on why this was hurtful, what may have been the motives
of the person who hurt us, and what we should learn. And then we should
move on, because we cannot change the past, but we can certainly use it
to empower ourselves and become better people, inshaa Allah.
When we take the step to learn from a hurtful experience, we should be
able to prevent ourselves from doing the same to others. Many times we
condemn what we do ourselves- we are hurt that someone has spoken behind
our backs, but we backbite all the time. We feel slighted when we are
not appreciated by our parents, but never once did we recognize and
thank others for the things they do for us. This introspection should
help us to gain greater clarity into our own dealings with people.
Forgiving others teaches us empathy. When we let go of anger, we can
better understand those who are put in the same situation that we were
in previously. Sometimes it helps us to not demonize the person who hurt
us; the specific thing that they did may have been bad, but when we
step back, we sometimes learn that they have their own baggage that
caused them to act in a certain way. This is not to condone what they
did, but it is to enable us to see that the world is not always so black
and white.
خُذِ ٱلْعَفْوَ وَأْمُرْ بِٱلْعُرْفِ وَأَعْرِضْ عَنِ ٱلْجَـٰهِلِينَ ﴿١٩٩
Hold to forgiveness, command what is right, and turn away from the ignorant.
(Quran, Al-A'raf 7:199]
In other words be constantly forgiving but don’t give up your principles
(“command what is right”). If you’ve forgiven the ignorant and they
persist in their hurtful ways, then move on and leave them behind.
Separate yourself from those who are negative, and seek the company of
people who are supportive and kind. Hold no rancor. When you lay your
head on the pillow, sleep in peace, and you’ll wake up with tranquility.
The Messenger of Allah (sallaAllahu ‘alayhi wasallam) was sitting with a
group of sahabah (radhiAllahu anhum) in the masjid and he said “A man
will now enter who is from the people of Paradise” and a sahabi walked
in. He (sallaAllahu ‘alayhi wasallam) did this for 3 days, and every
time, it was the same person who entered the masjid. Abdullah bin ‘Amr
ibn al-'Aas (radi Allahu anhuma) wanted to know what quality this man
possessed that made the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) say that
about him, so he spent three nights with that man. 'Abdullah noticed
that the man didn’t do anything out of the ordinary - he didn’t fast all
the time, he slept some of the night, he didn’t pray tahajjud and so
on. So after the 3 days, 'Abdullah told him the real reason why he
requested to stay with him - that he was singled out to be from the
people of Paradise and wanted to know why - and he asked him what it was
that could be the reason why he was from the people of Jannah. The man
replied: “My deeds are nothing more than what you saw”. When 'Abdullah
left, he called him back in and said: “My deeds are nothing more than
what you saw, but every night, before I go to sleep, I forgive whoever
has wronged me. I remove any bad feelings towards anyone from my heart.”
Thereupon ‘Abdullah said to him: “This difficult quality to obtain is
what granted you this rank”. [Ahmad]
That is what it means to be true believer.
We can learn forgiveness from our small children or grandchildren. Even
when you made mistakes to them, their love flow like a mountain stream,
no grudges whatsoever. No one forgives with more grace than a child, and
no one forgives more fully and perfect than our Lord, the All-Merciful,
the All-Wise.
May Allah give us the strength to forgive others for their faults and grant us well-being in this life and the next. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wasallam.
And Allah knows best and is Most Wise, and He alone grants success, and to Him is the final return of all.
Wassalaam
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