In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, made clear that the key to all relationships is upholding good character and maintaining it, even when tested.
He, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Deal with people on the basis of good character,” [Tirmidhi] and he also said that, “Forbearance is the very best of character.”
Have we made forbearance a part of our character? We often think we are forbearing, and we may not be.
Forbearance is a kind of behavior superior to the suppression of anger. When an adverse situation seems to violate our well-being, it creates a nervous upheaval. Great effort is required for us not to manifest this upheaval in anger, and it takes time for us to calm down. Forbearance is a condition that prevents such upheaval altogether: it keeps the nervous system in balance at all times. People who possess forbearance have patience and gentleness of character. These are signs of faith and wisdom, which enable such people to use their minds to govern their emotions.
Allah Almighty says.
وَلَا تَسْتَوِى ٱلْحَسَنَةُ وَلَا ٱلسَّيِّئَةُ ۚ ٱدْفَعْ بِٱلَّتِى هِىَ أَحْسَنُ فَإِذَا ٱلَّذِى بَيْنَكَ وَبَيْنَهُۥ عَدَٰوَةٌ كَأَنَّهُۥ وَلِىٌّ حَمِيمٌ ﴿٣٤[Qur'an Fussilat 41:34]
And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend. (34)
There was some non-Muslims greeted the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, with an insult. His wife, Aisha, insulted them back. But the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, did not. Rather, he simply replied, “And upon you,” which is the standard reply to the greeting of, “Peace be upon you.” Then, he said to his dear wife, "Aisha, Allah is gentle and loves gentleness in all matters.” [Bukhari, from Aisha]
The gentle in character hope for Allah’s love in response to their forbearance. Forbearance beautifies its owner and attracts Allah's love to him. Aisha related that the Messenger of Allah said: “Gentleness is not found in anything except that it makes it beautiful; and gentleness is not taken out of anything except that it makes it ugly.” [Muslim]
Forbearance is one of Allah's beautiful Attributes. Allah is Al-Halim (The Forbearing One). Al-Halim is the the One who is kind, gracious and serene in all situations; the One who is calm and deliberate, never hasty, even with the rebellious and wrongdoers; the One whose manner is lenient and mild; the One who gives us the opportunity and situations to learn to be kind, gracious and patient. He is the One who witnesses the sins of sinners and He sees those who are opposing His commands, yet it does not move Him to anger, such that it doesn’t cause Him to hasten to punish or destroy them, despite having complete ability to do so. Allah is the One who sustains us in every moment and He could just punish or destroy them, if He so wishes, but He is forbearing with them.
Allah Almighty says,
وَإِنَّ ٱللَّـهَ لَعَلِيمٌ حَلِيمٌ ﴿٥٩ ...[Qur'an Al-Hajj 22:59]
... and indeed, Allah is Knowing and Forbearing. (59)
أَنَّ ٱللَّـهَ غَفُورٌ حَلِيمٌ ﴿٢٣٥...[Qur'an Al-Baqarah 2:235]
... And know that Allah is Forgiving and Forbearing. (235)
وَلَوْ يُؤَاخِذُ ٱللَّـهُ ٱلنَّاسَ بِمَا كَسَبُوا۟ مَا تَرَكَ عَلَىٰ ظَهْرِهَا مِن دَآبَّةٍ وَلَـٰكِن يُؤَخِّرُهُمْ إِلَىٰٓ أَجَلٍ مُّسَمًّى ۖ فَإِذَا جَآءَ أَجَلُهُمْ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّـهَ كَانَ بِعِبَادِهِۦ بَصِيرًۢا ﴿٤٥[Qur'an Faatir 35:45]
And if Allah were to impose blame on the people for what they have earned, He would not leave upon the earth any creature. But He defers them for a specified term. And when their time comes, then indeed Allah has ever been, of His servants, Seeing. (45)
This noble characteristic of forbearance is one that the Prophet ﷺ perfectly embodied with his wives, children, close friends, neighbors and even enemies from among the disbelievers.
A bedouin once came to the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, seeking some money. Without introduction or greetings, he said, “Muhammad! Give me, for you’re not giving me from your money or your father’s money.” Despite the man’s rudeness, the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, gave him, and asked, “Have I pleased you?” The bedouin replied, “No, and you haven’t done me good.”
The Muslims who were standing around them were angered and surrounded the bedouin. The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, signaled for them to restrain, and he entered his house. He asked for the bedouin to be invited in. When he entered, the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, gave him some money, and asked, “Are you pleased?” He replied, “No.” The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, gave him more, and asked, “Are you pleased?” The bedouin responded, “Yes, we are pleased.”
The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, told him, “You came to us and asked us. We gave you, and then you said what you said. As a result, there is something in the hearts of the Muslims regarding that. If you were to say in front of them what you said to me, that might remove those feelings from their hearts.” The man agreed, and mentioned the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, with praise and thanked him in front of the Prophet’s Companions. [Salihi, Subul al-Huda wa’l Rashad]
The Prophet was unaffected by the man’s words. His concern was for the good of the man himself and the feelings of his Companions. Why? This returns to the understanding why the Prophet's character was described as being “tremendous” in the Qur’an.
In the Qur’an, the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, is addressed directly,
وَإِنَّكَ لَعَلَىٰ خُلُقٍ عَظِيمٍ ﴿٤[Qur’an Al-Qalam 68.4]
Truly, you are of tremendous character.
Imam Junayd al-Baghdadi, one of the foremost authorities of Islamic spirituality (tasawwuf) and others have explained that, “The Prophet’s character was termed tremendous because his concern was for Allah alone.” [Qurtubi, Jami Ahkam al-Qur’an] What moved the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, was the pursuit of His Lord’s pleasure, both in acting and in responding.
It was said that the worldly reward for one who shows forbearance is that people become his supporters. There is no doubt that disciplining oneself toward this noble characteristic is one of the most valuable achievements. Our Prophet ﷺ said, “There was not something swallowed more great to Allah than swallowing one’s anger for the sake of God.” (Al-Targheeb, 3/386).
Forbearance is, ultimately, intelligence, as it is the capacity to respond in the best of ways to each situation. This restraint and concern for excellence and the greater good that underly excellence of character are virtues each of us would do well to strive for in our own lives and relationships, both as individuals and communities.
Forbearance is not a characteristic easy to assume. It becomes permanent through long efforts in enduring controversy, injustice, tyranny, and all other conditions that weigh heavily upon one’s ego, and through curtailing anger and the desire to retaliate. Many a pious man has declared that he achieved forbearance by purposefully seeking the company of obnoxious men and suffering their impudence, anger, and violence, practicing patience with them.
Abu Darda’ reports that the Prophet said: Knowledge is acquired by learning. Forbearance is acquired by suffering the impudence of others without reacting. Whoever makes an effort to obtain that which is good, God gives him good. Whoever is able to stand controversy is saved from suffering. (Tabarani)
Every aspect of good character, such as generosity, humbleness, and valor, is obtained by long practice in fighting corresponding faults, such as stinginess, arrogance, and fear. The worst handicap to acquiring forbearance is harboring doubts about the goodness in other people, especially the other faithful, and imagining bad things about them. This suspicion of one’s associates leads to the terribly sinful state of doubting the goodness in Allh.
Allah Most High says,
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ ٱجْتَنِبُوا۟ كَثِيرًا مِّنَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعْضَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِثْمٌ ۖ وَلَا تَجَسَّسُوا۟ وَلَا يَغْتَب بَّعْضُكُم بَعْضًا ۚ أَيُحِبُّ أَحَدُكُمْ أَن يَأْكُلَ لَحْمَ أَخِيهِ مَيْتًا فَكَرِهْتُمُوهُ ۚ وَٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّـهَ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّـهَ تَوَّابٌ رَّحِيمٌ ﴿١٢[Qur'an Hujurat 49:12]
O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful. (12)
May Allah grant us success. Ameen.
Please don't forget us in your night prayers. Jazakum Allahu khairan.
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
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