In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
If we bring up just one generation correctly,How do we, as Muslim parents, fight against all that bombards, distracts, and deceives us as the central focus of our family?
If we give today’s children what they need,
Even to a small extent,
They will pass it on to the next generation.
And the next generations
Will no longer be declining,
But ascending.
Otherwise,
The next generation
Will sink into despair and drugs.
What a pity for our children
[Excerpts from "Children of Tomorrow” Authors – A.Ulianov, I.Vinokur, M.Laitman]
وَمَا خَلَقْتُ ٱلْجِنَّ وَٱلْإِنسَ إِلَّا لِيَعْبُدُونِ ﴿٥٦[Qur'an, Adh-Dhariyyat 51:56]
And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me. (56)
First, we need to ask ourselves, “Who or what am I serving?”
Am I serving Allah by the way I spend my time, money, and abilities, or am I striving to please and live up to what is acceptable and seemingly necessary in the eyes of the world? If Allah is the central focus of our home, it will help us evaluate and bring clarity to the pressures we face with truth, rather than the cultural or worldly standard.
Second, we need to ask Allah to help us recognize pressures we are putting on ourselves out of pride.
The reality is, if my child excels in some area, I will feel proud — partly because I am proud of them and excited for them but partly because I feel pretty good about the fact that I must have passed on some good genes or done something right to bring about such success. That’s never easy to admit but, for anyone who recognizes the ego that lurks within them, it’s not hard to see the pride that is often hiding beneath the surface.
Many pressures we face as parents have more to do with us than they do with our kids. Of course we love our children and want what is best for them, but underneath some of the choices we make, and the pressures we give into without really putting any thought into them, are driven somewhat by how it will reflect on us.
Pride, of course, is not something we deal with once and for all. It’s a battle we will wage until we die. So, it’s critical that we recognize where we are tempted to be driven by pride in our parenting.
Are we screaming at our kids on the way to the masjid but then smiling and speaking tenderly to them as soon as we reach the masjid doors? Do you find yourself bribing your child in the grocery store, pleading with them to stop screaming so you don’t feel the shameful looks of others? The list can go on, and we all are probably guilty of every single one of them at some point. You and I are not perfect parents, and we never will be. But we must strive to be one.
As we face the inevitable pressures of parenting of the 21st century, the best place to start is du'a. We ask Allah to give us wisdom and strength to make each decision for our family in a way that is most pleasing to Him.
Third, we need to spend time learning Islam and Qur'an, and how to apply the guidance to every area of our life, including our parenting.
These truths can help us recognize ways that we are feeling pressured to live up to the world’s standards and values, rather than the way of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) and the righteous.
It can be so life-giving to be freed from the weight of these unnecessary pressures. Qur'an is healing and hope to the weary and discouraged parent who feels like they just can’t provide their child or family with what the culture deems necessary for success. It takes pressure off the family whose life choices have been limited by illness, death, an unavailable spouse, a child or parent’s disability, or poverty. But when we try to keep up with the ways of the world rather than the Qur'an and the Sunnah, we will be sucked down into a never ending spiral of defeat and stress.
Fourth, evaluate your priorities as a family, making a list of the goals and values that are worth pursuing.
After making a list of short and long-term family priorities, break them down into practical applications to see what areas of your parenting (as well as your own time) are currently reflecting the pursuit of those goals and values. If you find areas that are sucking time and energy out of your family or your child, then evaluate if that is an activity worth continuing. This can be a great list to come back to and reevaluate as your children grow and family dynamics change.
Lastly, remember that each family is unique, with a different set of circumstances, challenges, and personal convictions.
There will always be a family that looks like they have it more together than yours. If your standard of success as a parent is measured by those around you, you will become either prideful, or envious, or both.
One area we will find ourselves different from other families is in our personal convictions. While we must be obedient to Allah's commands, without exception, personal convictions will look different within each family.
A few examples would be:
The type of schooling you decide is best
Choosing vacation spots
How you celebrate Eids and special occasions
Family awrad (consistent practice of remembrance of Allah), e.g. reading Surah Kahf together every Friday
If you ask Allah for help and seek wisdom from righteous and knowledgeable people in the process of forming the personal convictions of your family, then you can humbly be confident in those convictions, while not judging families who have chosen otherwise. This will protect you from feeling insecure and defensive when you hear someone who disagrees with you, or from pridefully assuming that you are more righteous than those who hold different convictions than you. In all things, Allah should be center, not us or our children.
The second way that we will look different from other families is in the circumstances and family dynamics that we have been uniquely given.
Remember, Allah knows your circumstances, your children, and your unique challenges. He has ordained that for you. Everything Allah does is with perfect wisdom. He is al-Hakam. He does not burden a soul more than it can bear. He will equip you for what He has called you to and will lead you in wisdom, truth, and grace as you grow in humility and learn to view your role as a parent through the lens of Islam.
Allah Almighty says,
ا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ عَلَيْهَا مَلَائِكَةٌ غِلَاظٌ شِدَادٌ لَّا يَعْصُونَ اللَّـهَ مَا أَمَرَهُمْ وَيَفْعَلُونَ مَا يُؤْمَرُونَ ﴿٦﴾ يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا لَا تَعْتَذِرُوا الْيَوْمَ ۖ إِنَّمَا تُجْزَوْنَ مَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ ﴿٧[Qur'an At-Tahrim 66:6-7]
O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded. (6) O you who have disbelieved, make no excuses that Day. You will only be recompensed for what you used to do. (7)
The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) one day he stood on the pulpit of masjid warning people of Hellfire. The narrator of the hadith said the people in the market place could hear him in the masjid repeating the warning over and over again.
It is the duty of parents to protect their children from the Fire of Hell by teaching them Allah’s commands and prohibitions and Islamic manners (adab). It is the right of children to be brought up in accordance with the guidelines of Islam.
In the Day of Judgment everybody will come after those people that are owed rights to them. Parents who did not fulfill the rights of their children will run away from their children, trying to save themselves from the consequences of this reality.
Allah Almighty says,
يَوْمَ يَفِرُّ ٱلْمَرْءُ مِنْ أَخِيهِ ﴿٣٤﴾ وَأُمِّهِۦ وَأَبِيهِ ﴿٣٥﴾ وَصَـٰحِبَتِهِۦ وَبَنِيهِ ﴿٣٦[Qur'an, Abasa 80:34-36]
On the Day a man will flee from his brother (34) And his mother and his father (35) And his wife and his children, (36)
Parents should strive to cultivate in their children's hearts a deep love and respect for this Deen (Islam) so that it is the central part of their adult life. And when they are confronted with choices, they can clearly tell the difference between right and wrong and inshaAllah act accordingly.
The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said: “Act upon the obedience to Allah and avoid the prohibitions of Allah, and order your children to abide by the commandments of Allah and to avoid the prohibitions of Allah, and by that you protect yourselves and them from the Hellfire.”
"For a man to teach his child good adab (manners) is better than giving a sa (2 liters) of grain in charity."
"No father can give his child anything better than good manners." [Tirmidhi]
"Whoever desires to spite the jealous one, should teach his child good adab." Who is jealous of us? The Shaytan and his followers.
The best of you is he who has learned the Qur'an and then taught it." [Bukhari]
Teach your children Qur'an from an early age, not just memorization. Find a good teacher and a good environment for them. And be a good role model for your children.
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
...Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous. [Qur'an, Al-Furqan 25:74]
May Allah grant us tawfiq to the highest station.
Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wasallam.
And Allah knows best and He alone grants success.
Wassalaam
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