When The Honeymoon Is Over

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

Some marriages work out and many don't work out. This is life. The important thing is that you do your homework before you get married.

Don't rush into marriage and definitely don't get married because your biological clock is ticking. Some people have this notion as if there is a guarantee that they can have children. How many couples do you know (of) who are childless? Some also have this idea that if they don't get married now or by a certain time, no one will marry them and so they think they will be alone when they are old. What? Do these people forget Allah--the best of planners and the best of protectors? Plus, what guarantee do you have that your spouse will outlive you? What guarantee is there that your child(ren) will live to see you reach old age? How many times have we heard that so-and-so lost their child?

Before one starts to look for a spouse, one should ask "Why do I want to get married?" Yes, the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said that "When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion," But don't forget the second part of the hadith, "so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half." (related by Baihaqi)

Marriage is not all honeymoon. When the honeymoon is over, you will start seeing the bad qualities of your spouse (and vice versa) and at that point it is a little too late to turn back. If you have an attitude that you can change your spouse, you have not accepted your spouse for who he/she is. Accepting your spouse for who he/she is is very important in a marriage.

So, when you think of getting married, ask your self honestly, "Who am I? What are my strengths and weaknesses? What do I want to contribute to my marriage?" If you don't know the answer to these questions or are vague about them, then you’re not really ready to get married. Marriage is a two-way street, often times with many thorns, and you have to walk together and help each other to remove the thorns or get pass them. You cannot be selfish.

Marriage will not work if the couple is not compatible. There are many aspects of compatibility such as religious, social, hobbies, job, education, etc. For example, if you like to travel and he/she does not, this can be problem. If you are a knowledge seeker and your spouse is not, this can be a problem. If you are married to a light sleeper who does not pray tahajjud and you do wake up for night prayers, you will have a problem. (I remember a woman who said to me that she couldn't pray tahajjud because her husband would get upset when he noticed that she was not in bed). Not just that, what happen when you have a baby and cries at night like many babies do? Don't think that he will change.

But you have to be realistic in what you are looking for in a spouse, as no one is perfect and there is no one person that would fit your description. There is never going to be a man as perfect as the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, neither would there be a woman like the mothers of the believers, Allah be pleased with them.

This is good exercise to save you some trouble in the future. Figure out one quality that your potential spouse must have that you cannot live without, and stick to it.

Make a list of 5 qualities that you must have in your spouse. Then ask your self, "Which quality I can live without" and then cross it out. Repeat this process until you only have one quality left. This is the quality that you analyse a potential spouse by.

For example:

1. Have a good understanding of the religion
2. Have a good Islamic character
3. Have a good sense of humor
4. Have a job
5. Good looking

Cross off one:
1. Have a good understanding of the religion
2. Have a good Islamic character
3. Have a good sense of humor
4. Have a job

Cross off one:
1. Have a good understanding of the religion
2. Have a good Islamic character
3. Have a good sense of humor

Cross off one:
1. Have a good understanding of the religion
2. Have a good Islamic character

Cross off one:
2. Have a good Islamic character

If you cannot find this quality in this person, then you know you won't be happy with this person in a marriage and so don't marry this person. If you insist that you can change the person, you are gambling on your life as well as the person's life (and your future children's lives). Don't be adamant that you can change this person.

If you find this quality in this person, then you may proceed with that one quality in mind. During bad times (which happen in marriages), you can remind yourself of that one quality you married your spouse for and that would help you balance out things and give you some realization that he/she isn't all bad.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said,

The most perfect believer in faith is the one whose character is finest and who is kindest to his wife.

(Tirmidhi and Nasa'i)

The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said,

A man marries a woman for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper.

(Bukhari and Muslim)

May Allah Most High grant us tawfiq. Please don't forget us in your night prayers. Jazakallahu khairan.

And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam