In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Despite the perfect picture families that always seem to loom over us on the media, there are many more complexities and dynamics to families than all smiles and laughter. All families are different, and all families have their own issues, but one thing we all have in common right now and forever, is Allah, Mighty and Majestic, to Whom we belong and to Him shall be the return, inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. So put aside all your family problems, all the darkness, all the baggage, ... and imagine the beauty of being with your family in Paradise, enjoying pure pleasure together forever and ever.
Allah is giving us a beautiful message of optimism.
جَنَّـٰتُ عَدْنٍ يَدْخُلُونَهَا وَمَن صَلَحَ مِنْ ءَابَآئِهِمْ وَأَزْوَٰجِهِمْ وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِهِمْ ۖ وَٱلْمَلَـٰٓئِكَةُ يَدْخُلُونَ عَلَيْهِم مِّن كُلِّ بَابٍ ﴿٢٣﴾ سَلَـٰمٌ عَلَيْكُم بِمَا صَبَرْتُمْ ۚ فَنِعْمَ عُقْبَى ٱلدَّارِ ﴿٢٤[Qur'an, Ar-Ra'd 19:23-24]
Gardens of perpetual residence; they will enter them with whoever were righteous among their fathers, their spouses and their descendants. And the angels will enter upon them from every gate, [saying], (23) "Peace be upon you for what you patiently endured. And excellent is the final home." (24)
Imagine you will be someone who will be honored by Allah because of your good deeds and can lift up your whole family by the will of Allah with you to Paradise.
So, it’s time to strive to get our families to the highest Paradise with us, inshaAllah! There's no time to dwell into the negatives of our families ever! And you can do it, inshaAllah.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam said, "Time will pass rapidly, good deeds will decrease, ..... this world and in the Hereafter, but you people are being put to test in this issue."
Allah tests us to see who among us is best in conduct. Your family is a tremendous way to practice patience, mercy, helpfulness, generosity and other virtues with one another. The key to success is patience. Remember, Allah is with the patient one and the reward for patience is tremendous indeed -- in this life and the next. Patience is a key skill of exceptionally happy people and happy people are insanely grateful and extremely generous. May Allah grant us tawfiq.
With the right amount of work and determination, you can pass this test with flying colors and make your family life the very best in this life and the next. So, strive to develop your relationship with them and learn more about yourself and your relatives. No one's family life is perfect; but you can make yours good, so why not take the steps towards it.
1) Understand your family well. If you don't then there can be many misunderstandings and fights. Be with them whenever you can and get to know them better. A lot of families now don't get to know each other too well because they're too busy. Plan some family time, like, Islamic family games or even as little as eating dinner or folding the laundry together.
2) Hold regular creative Islamic knowledge sessions
Have at least one session a week in which you sit together, for example after dinner, and discuss an Islamic topic. Each week someone else of the family can be appointed to share their favorite ayah or hadith. Look online for fun Islamic games or quizzes. Another idea is to set shared goals: for example have a notice board and each day pick an ayah or a hadith to put on the board in the morning. All family members make it their mission to reflect that ayah during the day and act upon it as much as they can.
3) Do a Qur'an course together
Having a study buddy can greatly motivate you. Why do we always think of friends or colleagues to study together with? How beautiful would it be to study the Book of Allah and bring the message to life at home with those who are so close to you? Sign up to a Qur'an course together as a family, it will strengthen your bond and you will gain lots of reward in helping each other to something good. Also competition in results can bring excitement in your daily routine. You can hang up a chart on the wall with the progress of each family member and have a weekly reward for those who made most effort.
4) Start double-rewarding du'a habit
The Prophet salallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: The supplication of a Muslim for his brother in his absence will certainly be answered. Every time he makes a supplication for good for his brother, the angel appointed for this particular task says: `Ameen! May it be for you, too.’ [Muslim] How often do you make du'a for your younger sister, or your older brother? Make it a habit to supplicate from the bottom of your heart for each of your brother, sister, son or daughter and mother and father. You can start by making a general du'a for all of them, key is that you try to remember to do it each day. When you have set this habit, you can make a personal du'a for each of them and even ask them which du'a they would love you to make for them. The benefits are manifold; it will strengthen your relationship (reward for keeping family ties), you will get reward for supplicating to Allah and the same du'a will be repeated for you. . . by an angel.
5) Respect your family. They are humans like you. They also have an opinion or suggestion. Sometimes it can be bad, sometimes good. Never be angry with someone's opinion, they have their opinions, and no one's perfect.
Respect your parents no matter how they treat you. Help your parents with whatever they need. Do chores around the house when asked and when not asked so that they know you care and respect them. If it bothers you that you are doing all of the work, try and talk it out or maybe write a list.
Listen to your parents and follow their rules. The rules may sound strict and unfair, but your parents have probably made those rules to help you or for a good reason. If you feel like they are unfair, ask them for an appointment to talk about the rules to help you understand them and the reason for them.
Try not to argue with your family. Work your conflicts out with your siblings. Don't have temper tantrum.
Overlook slips. The Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wassallam said, “Overlook the slips of respected people.” [Bukhari] Everybody make mistakes, including your parents. So overlook their slips.
Give them 70 excuses. Hamdun al-Qassar, one of the great early Muslims, said, “If a friend among your friends errs, make seventy excuses for them. If your hearts are unable to do this, then know that the shortcoming is in your own selves.” [Imam Bayhaqi] Why 70 Excuses? This is because the default assumption about all humans and their actions is that they are sound and free of error. This is considered our operating certainty. After this, if we find something that makes us doubt about them, we are not permitted to leave this operating certainty that they did not err for mere doubts or misgivings. Allah Most High commanded us: “Believers! Leave much doubt, for most doubt is sinful.” [Qur'an, Al-Hujurat 49.12]
Look at everyone with the eye of sincere concern (nasiha) and mercy. The Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wassallam said that, “Religion is sincere concern (ad-dinu’n nasiha).” [Muslim and Nasa'i] And, “It is only the merciful who are granted mercy by the All-Merciful. Be merciful to those on earth and the Lord of the Heavens will be merciful to you.” And, “None of you believes until they wish for others as they wish for themselves.” [Abu Dawud and Tirmidhi]
Be polite. Respect also means manners. Being family doesn't mean you can omit the greetings of peace (assalaamu alaykum) with one another, or saying 'please', 'thank you', jazakAllahu khairan, or any other expression of thankfulness and gratitude. If your younger siblings don't seem to remember this, try and remind them, so they too will see how important being polite is, and don't talk back. Respecting people doesn't just mean being nice to them. Talking back, rolling your eyes, smacking your lips - these responses are bad for all relationships, not just family.
If you get punished, accept it and don't make a fuss. You have done something wrong, so you have to take the consequences. Be mature and just get on with it, for example if you are grounded or certain privileges taken away, don't cross the boundaries and it will be over and done with sooner than you think.
Be the responsible one around the house. If a sibling won't clean up something, do it. It will show them you are the responsible child and you basically deserve more.
Last but not the least, think of all the things you love about this unique family of yours. Everyone has their own unique traits, respect that. Remind yourselves that manners, love and respect is the key to every healthy relationship.
6) Give time. No one wants to be ignored just for some meeting or work. Give time to each and every one of them so you can understand every individual properly and this can prevent any misunderstandings in the future.
7) Treat everyone as equal. Whether he/she is your first born or middle born or last born child, your older brother/sister or your younger brother/sister, they all deserve love and affection from you. Treat everyone like you would want to be treated, and getting along with your family should be easy.
8) Never scream or shout at anyone. This can create hatred for you in their hearts. By simply making them understand can do a lot. Why waste energy when you can do it calmly? Try not to fight with your siblings. Fighting can tear your relationship apart and you'll regret it when you get older. Treasure the time you have with your siblings, you can't get it back.
Realize that things can be handled well at all times; it's just a matter of what kind of attitude you put into it. Take deep breaths.
Get away from situations where your anger might get the better of you, such as when someone is teasing you. Ignore the other person and walk away. If you must, do this a few times until the person gets the hint that you will not tolerate it. It's okay to use your words or body language to tell somebody you will not tolerate how they are treating you, as long as you respond to them in a calm and matter of fact manner, without being overtly hurtful or trying to embarrass them as they have you. It's never okay to hit somebody for making fun of you.
Realize that no one likes to be around people who get angry easily, and act abusive. The only way you can change the situation is by starting with yourself.
Be considerate of others, and ultimately, yourself. The way you react will ultimately affect your surroundings. If you have to rebuke someone for doing something wrong, you can always do it calmly, in a private place. This method is always better for everyone in the long run.
If you are angry and you are standing, sit down; if you are sitting, lie down. Say, a'udhubillahi minash-shaytaanir-rajeem (I seek refuge with Allah from the accursed shaytan)
Remember, 5 seconds stand between you and logic. Count to 5, and remember that logic always beats anger.
Stop talking to that person for a few minutes to whom you are angry and take deep breath around 5-7 times. Try breathing slowly in through your nose, and out through your mouth. This will calm you down.
Think about the good things that person has done for you. What bad have you done to them? Chances are, you've done at least something to them to make them resentful towards you. Make sure you have a clear conscience-then speak.
Remember that your temper can ruin your life. When your eyes are opened it might be too late, so try to control your anger and follow the above steps. It will definitely get you away from tension.
Take wudu' (ablution), you will feel a bit calmer and you will feel much better if you follow it up with a 2-cycle prayer.
Don't say hurtful things. Saying hurtful things could be very risky and dangerous and it can hurt someone's heart, so remember to stay calm when you feel hyper. "Say good or remain silent."
9) Never discriminate.
10) Learn to compromise. When you or someone else in your family wants the total opposite of each other, find a way to work it out to give you all what you want.
11) Help each other. When you see your sibling or parent needs help, help them. Doing little things such as holding the door for them, or helping someone with homework.
12) Organizing surprise parties, celebrating any individual's achievements and giving regular gifts can really help.
13) Avoid using offensive and abusive words against each other.
14) Sometimes teenagers can feel sad or lonely. First ask them about it and if they don't want to share then its OK. If you think that something is really bad, ask their close friends and help him/her.
15) Never ever break any promise. This can hurt them or make them feel that you are a liar and every time will break promises.
16) Learn to forgive. There is nothing too big for Allah to forgive us. Allah is Al-Ghaffur Ar-Rahim. So why not do the same for your family?
17) Don't scold too much. Scolding can be good for them but never overdo it.
18) Make them realize in an easy way. If someone in your family has done something wrong or have betrayed your trust, make them realize their mistake in an easy way.
Remember, dutifulness to kinship is one of the greatest and loftiest good deeds that bring one closer to Allah.
Allah Almighty says,
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱتَّقُوا۟ رَبَّكُمُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَٰحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالًا كَثِيرًا وَنِسَآءً ۚ وَٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّـهَ ٱلَّذِى تَسَآءَلُونَ بِهِۦ وَٱلْأَرْحَامَ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّـهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيبًا ﴿١
O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], and from them both He created many men and women; and fear Allah through Whom you demand (your mutual rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship). Surely, Allah is Ever an All-Watcher over you. (1) [Qur'an An-Nisa 4:1]
Avoid the punishment that Allah imposes on those who do not fulfill their duties to the kith and kin.
Allah Almighty says,
In a hadith reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim, Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that Allah's Messenger, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, said, “Allah created the creatures, and when He had finished, kinship stood up and said, 'This is the standing up of one who seeks Your Protection from being cut off.' Allah said, 'Yes. Would it not please you if I were to take care of those who take care of you and cut off those who cut you off?' It said, 'Of course.' Allah said, 'Then, your prayer in granted ...'”.
[Qur'an Muhammad 47:22-23]
May Allah bring our families together and gather us all together in eternal bliss of the highest Jannah, gazing upon His Noble Countenance. Ameen.
Please don't forget us in your night prayers. Jazakum Allahu khairan.
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
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