In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
There are two drivers for our behaviors -- knowledge/reason and emotion. When people get angry or upset, for example, over some speech, it is because they didn't use knowledge or reason, which if they did, it would actually prevent them from getting angry or upset. It is their emotion that has come to the forefront that drives them to anger. And Shaytan will come right in to make the situation worse.
Shaytan loves to create dissension between people. He does not use his words but he uses your words. He spices it up or down depending on the situation and presents the new flavor to the other side who will interpret it in the worse possible way.
وَقُل لِّعِبَادِى يَقُولُوا۟ ٱلَّتِى هِىَ أَحْسَنُ ۚ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنَ يَنزَغُ بَيْنَهُمْ ۚ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنَ كَانَ لِلْإِنسَـٰنِ عَدُوًّا مُّبِينًا ﴿٥٣[Qur'an, Al-Isra']
And tell My servants to say that which is best. Indeed, Satan induces [dissension] among them. Indeed Satan is ever, to mankind, a clear enemy. (53)
Communication is not about words, it is about the perception of words. If you don't use the best choice of words, Shaytan will take the rest and create a horrible perception of what you mean. And that's how fights and arguments started, or on the quiet side, bad heart feelings which cause people stop talking to each other or become cold towards each other.
We have a beautiful example in the Qur'an on how to use the best words in communication especially when talking about other people's behavior against us. When Prophet Yusuf (peace be upon him) recounted Allah's favor, he did not bring up what his brothers had done to him. He never said Allah took him out of the well but said Allah took him out of prison. He concealed and covered his brothers' mistakes and not let his brothers dwell in their wrong against him. Such is a beautiful person.
وَقَالَ يَـٰٓأَبَتِ هَـٰذَا تَأْوِيلُ رُءْيَـٰىَ مِن قَبْلُ قَدْ جَعَلَهَا رَبِّى حَقًّا ۖ وَقَدْ أَحْسَنَ بِىٓ إِذْ أَخْرَجَنِى مِنَ ٱلسِّجْنِ وَجَآءَ بِكُم مِّنَ ٱلْبَدْوِ مِنۢ بَعْدِ أَن نَّزَغَ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنُ بَيْنِى وَبَيْنَ إِخْوَتِىٓ ۚ إِنَّ رَبِّى لَطِيفٌ لِّمَا يَشَآءُ ۚ إِنَّهُۥ هُوَ ٱلْعَلِيمُ ٱلْحَكِيمُ ﴿١٠٠[Qur'an, Yusuf 12:100]
... And he said, "O my father, this is the explanation of my vision of before. My Lord has made it reality. And He was certainly good to me when He took me out of prison and brought you [here] from bedouin life after Satan had induced [estrangement] between me and my brothers. Indeed, my Lord is Subtle in what He wills. Indeed, it is He who is the Knowing, the Wise. (100)
What do you think would have happened had Prophet Yusuf started talking about what his brothers did to him and threw him in the well?
So choose the best words for your speech. And if you are on the receiving end and if you didn't like what the other person have said, give the other 70 excuses before you let your emotions take the driver's seat.
Hamdun al-Qassar, one of the great early Muslims, said, “If a friend among your friends errs, make seventy excuses for them. If your hearts are unable to do this, then know that the shortcoming is in your own selves.” [Imam Bayhaqi]
Know who your real enemy is...often times it is not your fellow Muslim.
Of course, of the most virtuous traits of the believer is silence. Avoid talking too much, as plentiful speech is not free from mistakes. Excessive speech, beyond what is needed, is considered speech that doesn’t concern a person.
It is reported that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Whoever is silent is safe.” Jabir ibn Samura, Allah be well pleased with him, was asked, “Did you used to sit with the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace)?” to which he replied, “Yes. He had long silences and seldom laughed. His companions would mention poetry and their business and they would laugh and he might smile.”
We should try to speak in small, measured words. The speech of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) was clear, whoever heard it understood it; if someone wanted to count his words they could.
We should learn to be soft spoken, and not raise our voice unnecessarily. In the Qur’an, Luqman says to his son, “lower your voice; surely the most hateful of voices is braying of the asses.” [Qur’an, Luqman 31:19]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Whoever believes in Allah and the last day, then let him say the good or remain silent.”
Whoever wishes to speak, then choose words of remembrance of Allah, or commanding the good, or forbidding the evil; and he must avoid words that do not concern him.
It is said that nine-tenths of well being are in silence and that tribulations are connected to speech. One of the righteous said, “I imposed on myself to pray two cycles of prayer for every word that doesn’t concern me, but that proved easy for me, so then I imposed on myself to fast a day for every word that doesn’t concern me, but that proved easy for me and I didn’t desist, so then I imposed on myself to give one silver coin in charity for every word that doesn’t concern me, and I found that tough.”
We seek refuge with Allah from the accursed Shaytan. May Allah protect us from excessive speech and the tribulations that are connected to our speech. May Allah forgive our shortcomings and purify our tongues and grant us beautiful speech. May Allah unite our families, friends, and the ummah in good. Ameen. I ask those who was hurt by my speech to forgive me. May Allah bless you.
Please don't forget us in your night prayers. Jazak Allahu khairan.
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
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