بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Islam has rules of etiquette and a moral code (adab) involving every aspect of life. These are applicable for the whole society; the elderly, the young, men and women, until the end of time. These manners cover even the slightest acts, such as entering, or exiting a washroom, the posture of sitting, and cleaning one's self. At the time of the Prophet, one of the polytheists mockingly said to his companion Salman Al-Farisi: 'Your prophet has taught you everything, even the manners of going to the toilet.' Salman answered, 'Yes, the Prophet forbade us from facing the Qiblah when urinating or getting rid of body waste.' Salman continued, 'the Prophet asked us not to use the right hand when cleaning ourselves and to use at least three stones for cleaning.
Why do we have this emphasis on proper manners?
Adab is the right way of doing something. It is putting things in their right places. Every aspect of human behavior have an adab relating to it. This adab comes from the Prophetic example (sallallahu alayhi wassallam), the one who is most praised for his character. The greatest and the most distinguishing aspect of the Prophet's person sallallahu alayhi wassallam was his character. Allah Almighty says, 'Verily you are of tremendous character.'
Character (khuluq) is an inward disposition that causes one to exhibit praiseworthy traits and to act in praiseworthy ways. Good character has a whole range of manifestation and one of these is adab. So, adab is a subset of good character and it is also an expression of character. Character is the way one is. The way one is, is the way one acts.
The basis of good character is seeking the pleasure of Allah, seeking Divine mercy. One way that is expressed is striving to act in the manner that is pleasing to Allah, making one's conduct such that one's conduct is seeking of Divine Mercy.
Adab has many benefits:
1. It teaches one restraint. So one doesn't act in a bad way. For example: You are tired after a long travel but you don't get angry at your wife or children because the house is messy. Restraint is a means of taqwa and mindfulness of Allah.
2. It is a way of being in the state of consciousness of Allah. In everything that you do, if you strive to uphold the right way of doing it, it will remind you of Allah and make you heedful of Allah, and also awakens you to seek the pleasure of Allah.
3. It is an expression of excellence and beauty. Allah has decreed excellence in all things. And Allah is beautiful and love beauty. Beauty is beloved to Allah and beloved to people.
4. It has a social benefit -- when you act with proper manners with people, then people feel respected, safe, honored and comfortable. This is good for social relationships and strengthens the bonds between people, and sure means to fulfill the rights of others with excellence and to be excellent in fulfilling the rights of others.
If you want to see good manners, you have to look at the Prophetic example (sallallahu alayhi wassallam). With that you should read the Qur'an attentively because the Qur'an details the character that is pleasing to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala.
Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) described the Prophetic character, "The Prophet's character was the Qur'an."
Every virtue that is expressed in the Qur'an, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam possessed it in the most perfect. The basis of the tremendous character of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam was his gentleness with his ummah and his honoring them. This is part of proper manners. In general we strive to uphold gentleness with people. They return to mercy.
"The merciful is granted mercy by the Merciful."
Once Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) was asked how was the character of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam, she recited the first ten verses of Surah al-Mu'minun.
قَدْ أَفْلَحَ ٱلْمُؤْمِنُونَ ﴿١﴾ ٱلَّذِينَ هُمْ فِى صَلَاتِهِمْ خَـٰشِعُونَ ﴿٢﴾ وَٱلَّذِينَ هُمْ عَنِ ٱللَّغْوِ مُعْرِضُونَ ﴿٣﴾ وَٱلَّذِينَ هُمْ لِلزَّكَوٰةِ فَـٰعِلُونَ ﴿٤﴾ وَٱلَّذِينَ هُمْ لِفُرُوجِهِمْ حَـٰفِظُونَ ﴿٥﴾ إِلَّا عَلَىٰٓ أَزْوَٰجِهِمْ أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَـٰنُهُمْ فَإِنَّهُمْ غَيْرُ مَلُومِينَ ﴿٦﴾ فَمَنِ ٱبْتَغَىٰ وَرَآءَ ذَٰلِكَ فَأُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ هُمُ ٱلْعَادُونَ ﴿٧﴾ وَٱلَّذِينَ هُمْ لِأَمَـٰنَـٰتِهِمْ وَعَهْدِهِمْ رَٰعُونَ ﴿٨﴾ وَٱلَّذِينَ هُمْ عَلَىٰ صَلَوَٰتِهِمْ يُحَافِظُونَ ﴿٩﴾ أُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ هُمُ ٱلْوَٰرِثُونَ ﴿١٠
Certainly will the believers have succeeded: (1) They who are during their prayer humbly submissive (2) And they who turn away from ill speech (3) And they who are observant of zakah (4) And they who guard their private parts (5) Except from their wives or those their right hands possess, for indeed, they will not be blamed - (6) But whoever seeks beyond that, then those are the transgressors - (7) And they who are to their trusts and their promises attentive (8) And they who carefully maintain their prayers - (9) Those are the inheritors (10) [Qur'an, Al-Mu'minun 23:1-10]
The Prophet's character sallallahu alayhi wassallam was named tremendous because he had no concern except Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala Himself. His sole motive was Allah. Everything he did was for Allah Himself. Even in the littlest things he manifested excellence and beauty. This is excellence and beauty in conduct is summarized in one verse of the Qur'an:
خُذِ ٱلْعَفْوَ وَأْمُرْ بِٱلْعُرْفِ وَأَعْرِضْ عَنِ ٱلْجَـٰهِلِينَ ﴿١٩٩
Be easy going, uphold the good, and turn away from the ignorant. (199) [Qur'an, Al-A'raf 7:199]
Islamic manners are the most refined. Islam advocates adab and proper manners so as to perfect our personality. How you act with people refines your character. They take care of the feelings of even the weakest, humblest or youngest in any group or community.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam was sent to a people whose standard of civilization was limited to a form of urban life that was often in contact with the Bedouins. Makkah, where he was born and grew up, was situated in the middle of a mountainous area, surrounded by a desert, with very hot climate. It is natural in such conditions that manners would be rough. Traditions like vengeance and killing increased such roughness. Islam changed all this and taught those Arabs very refined, civilized manners. Before Islam, care for the feelings of another person was, if at all, practiced on a very limited scale.
To appreciate the change brought by Islam, let us look at the following Hadith: Abdullah ibn Massoud quotes the Prophet as saying: “Should there be three of you, then let not two of them be in conversation to the exclusion of the third, because this will hurt him.” (Related by Al-Bukhari and Muslim)
This Hadith enjoys a high degree of authenticity, and it comes in several versions. Another similarly authentic version uses the third person and drops the cause at the end. Thus, the Hadith runs as follows: “If there is a group of three, then let not two of them be in conversation to the exclusion of the third.” (Related by Al-Bukhari and Muslim).
A third version adds some qualification. “Let not two people talk to each other to the exclusion of a third, because their action hurts him."
It seems that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam gave this advice on different occasions and in different wordings, so that it would be known and people will act on it. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam is concerned here for the third person who is left out of the conversation between the other two. We do not have any qualification to limit this instruction to any situation, which means that whoever the third person happens to be, he or she must not be so obviously excluded. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam clarifies that such an action is bound to hurt the excluded person. So it must not be done, and the order he gives represents a very clear prohibition.
In this era of social media, people seem to forget their manners with their smartphones around other people.
While out at a restaurant to other day, I happened to notice a small group of people at another table. They were chatting together while waiting for their food to arrive.
Suddenly, a cell phone chirped and one of the people in the group checked their phone, chuckled at a text message they had received, and then, without a word to the others, typed a response to the message and placed the phone on the table before returning to the conversation.
A few moments later, the phone chirped again and the person responded to another message while ignoring the people at their table. This routine repeated itself at regular intervals throughout their meal.
Technology aside, the situation reminded me of two people whispering to each other while in the company of a larger group of people. Holding a private conversation, whether through text or in hushed tones, while in the presence of others is extremely poor manners and is disrespectful to the people you are with.
Good manners require that when you are with other people, you turn off your cell phone and text messaging. If you are waiting for an urgent message and must respond, excuse yourself from the group and find a quiet location to respond to the message. If more discussion is needed, it is best to call the person to resolve the issue rather than letting text messages continue to disrupt the people you are with.
Adab of Texting/Messaging
1. Start by identifying yourself by name, even if you think the person may have your contact info. (as you may appear as unknown on their other devices if they don't have you saved there as well)
2. Make du'a for the person such as "I pray you are well." "May this message reach you in the best of health and iman." etc.
3. Then be brief and to the point about what you are messaging about. Remember, if texting whatever you have to say takes more than three lines, it is always better to call them instead
4. Interact with opposite gender as you would in person, i.e. don't talk to them unless you have a need for business or education; do not send messages past 10-11pm
5. Do not send private messages or photos as these can be easily intercepted or shared with other people (in general)
6. If you are sitting with other real people, do not start texting or browsing; if absolutely necessary excuse yourself from the people you are with and explain why it is critical for you to answer a call or text right away; the default is that the people you are sitting with take priority in having your full attention; when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam sat with people, he would give them his full and complete attention.
7. Keep in mind as a Muslim, one should have modesty, virtue, purpose, benefit and leaving of that which doesn't concern them in all of one's interactions with others, whether they be virtual or physical.
Remember what the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam told us, as reported by Abu Abu'd-Darda', "There will be nothing heavier in the balance of the believer on the Day of Rising than good character. Allah dislikes foul language." [Related by At-Tirmidhi]
May Allah enable us and our families to follow the footsteps of His beloved Messenger sallallahu alayhi wassallam and grant us excellent manners and noble character. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best and He alone grant success.
Wassalaam
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