بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
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I pray that you are well.
Excerpts from Book on the Etiquette of Marriage of The Revival of the Religious Sciences By ABU HAMID AL-GHAZZALI (TRANSLATED BY MADELAIN FARAH)
There are eight qualities which render a conjugal life happy and which must be sought in the woman in order to assure the perpetuity of the marriage: piety, good character, beauty, a small dowry, ability to bear children, virginity, [good] lineage, and she should not be a close relative.
Piety
That she should be virtuous and religious is the most fundamental requisite, and to that end [special] care must be taken. For, if her religious principles are too weak to give her the strength to be virtuous and constant, she will humiliate her husband, disgrace him among people, trouble his heart with jealousy, and thereby render his life miserable. Should he succumb to passion and jealousy, he would remain in trial and tribulation. Should he, on the other hand, follow the path of permissiveness, he would be apathetic toward his religion and honor and would be guilty of lacking zeal and pride. Also, if she is beautiful but corrupt, she will be the cause of greater tribulation; for then it becomes difficult for the husband to separate from her: Thus he is neither able to renounce her nor to endure her. His position is like that of one who came to the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) and said, “0 Messenger of God, I have a wife who cannot turn back a touching hand.” The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “Divorce her”; to which he replied, “I love her.” The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) responded, “Then, keep her.”“ The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) commanded him to hold onto her, for if he divorces her he would yearn for her and become corrupt like her. Seeing that the man's heart was in anguish, he [the Prophet] considered it preferable for him to continue his marriage and thus safeguard himself against corruption. If her faith be corrupted in squandering his possessions or in some other respect, he will remain in misery. [However,] if he remains silent and does not denounce [her deeds], he becomes a partaker of her transgression and a violator of the Almighty's command: “Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire.” If he, on the other hand, denies and disputes [her ways],, he will be miserable throughout his life.
For that reason, the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) took pains in encouraging people to adhere to the faith saying, “A woman may be married either for her possessions, her beauty, her reputation, or her religion; for if you do marry other than a religious woman, may your hands be rubbed with dirt [taribat yadak].” Another hadith states: “He who marries a woman for her possessions and beauty loses both her beauty and her possessions; [but] he who marries her for the sake of her faith will be blessed by God with her possessions and her beauty.” The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) also said, “A woman should not be married [only] for her beauty, because her beauty may destroy her; neither for her wealth, as this may make her tyrannical; [rather] marry the woman for her religious faith.” He emphatically recommended religious faith, because such a woman would bolster up the [husband's] faith. If she is not pious, she will be an element of distraction and of trouble in her husband's religion.
Good Character
Good character is the second quality. It is an important requisite in the search for emptying the heart and in the pursuit of favorable surroundings for religion. For if she is vicious, ill-tongued, ill-mannered, and ungrateful, more harm than good will come from her. Toleration of a woman's tongue would try the saints. An Arab said, “Do not marry one of the following six types of women: an 'annanah [hypochondriac], a mannanah [upbraider], a hannanah [yearner], a hiddaqah [coveter], a barraqah (narcissist], or a shaddaqah [prattler].
The 'annanah is one who excessively moans, complains, and [always] wraps her head. Marrying a constantly ill [woman] or one who feigns illness is of no avail.
The mannanah is one who is constantly needling her husband by saying, “I did such and such for you.”
The hannanah is one who yearns after a previous husband or after her offspring from some other husband. This, too, is among the things to be avoided.
The hiddaqah is one who looks at everything, covets it, and forces her husband to buy it.
The barraqah can be one of two:
(a) one who spends the whole day fixing her face or making it up and beautifying it in order to give it a lustre, or
(b) one who becomes angry at mealtime, thus eating only by herself and singling out her share from everything.
A Yemeni expression which is appropriately used for a woman, or a child, who is not satisfied with the food given to her [or him], is Baraqat al-mar ‘atu wa baraqa’l-sabiyyu al-ta’ama, that is, to become angry at meal time.
The shaddaqah is one who prattles a great deal; in this context the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “Almighty God detests the loudmouthed prattler.“
It is related that the Azdi traveler,” during his journey, met Prophet Elias alayhissalaam who ordered him to get married and discouraged him from celibacy. He then said, “Don't marry any of the following four types: a mukhlali'ah [divorce-minded], a mubariyah [boaster], an 'ahirah [harlot], or a nashiz [conceited].”
Al-mukhlali'ah is one who asks for the divorce (khul') every hour for no reason.
In Islamic law, a compensation (khutah) must be paid by the wife when a divorce is sought by her (Hughes, Dictionary of Islam, 274). This law is laid down in Qur’an 2:229: “And if ye fear that they may not be able to keep the limits of Allah, in that case it is no sin for either of them if the woman ransom herself.”
Al-mubariyah is one who boasts of the superiority of another and is proud of her worldly advantages.
Al'ahirah is a loose woman who is known to have lovers and intimate companions. To her the Almighty referred when He said, “nor of loose conduct” [Qur’an 4:25].
Al-nashiz is one who adopts a haughty attitude toward her husband in deed and word: the word nashaz designates that which is elevated above the ground.
Nashaz is the noun derived from the same root as nashiz. In Islamic law, nushuz means “violation of marital duties on the part of either husband or wife, specifically, recalcitrance of the woman toward her husband, and brutal treatment of the wife by the husband” (Wehr, Dictionary, 966).
'Ali (may Allah be pleased with him) used to say, “The worst characteristics of men constitutes the best characteristics of women; namely, stinginess, pride, and cowardice. For if the woman is stingy, she will preserve her own and her husband's possessions; if she is proud, she will refrain from addressing loose and improper words to everyone; and if she is cowardly, she will dread everything and will therefore not go out of her house and will avoid compromising situations for fear of her husband. These accounts indicate the sum total of the good qualities sought in marriage.
Beauty
The third, beauty of face, is desired because through it fortification is attained. For [a man's] natural disposition is generally not contented with an ugly woman, [even] when good character and physical beauty are often inseparable. What we have transmitted is encouragement to look for a pious woman and not marry one for her beauty, which does not discourage the cherishing of beauty, but rather discourages marrying a woman for her beauty alone [while she be] corrupt in religion. Beauty, per se, oftentimes makes marriage desirable and detracts from the importance of religion. Indicative of the regard given to beauty is the fact that closeness and love are often realized through it. For that reason the Shari'ah enjoined the safeguarding of the means to intimacy, and seeing [the woman] before marriage was deemed desirable.
The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “If Allah should incline the heart of one of you toward a woman, let him look at her, for it will bring them closer together.”“ That is to say, it will cause them to be closer to each other like the closeness of the epidermis to the endodermis, which is the inner skin [as opposed to] the epidermis [which] is the outer skin. He mentions that only to stress the degree of closeness. The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “There is something in the eyes of the Ansar; therefore, if one of you wishes to marry one of their women, let him look at them.” It was said [in effect] that those women were “blear-eyed.” It was also said, “small-eyed.”
Some God-fearing men would not marry off their daughters until they are seen as a precaution against delusion. Al A'mash said, “Every marriage occurring without looking ends in worry and sadness.” It is obvious that looking does not reveal character, religion, or wealth; rather, it distinguishes beauty from ugliness.
It was related that during the time of 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him), a man got married. The man had colored his hair and the dyestuff had faded. The woman's family complained to 'Umar saying, “We thought he was a young man.” 'Umar beat him excessively and said, “You have deceived the people.”
It is related that Bilal and Suhayb came to a bedouin household and asked to marry their daughters. They were asked: “Who are you?” Bilal said, “I am Bilal and this is my brother, Suhayb. We were misguided, but Allah has directed us; we were enslaved, but Allah freed us; we were dependent [on others], but Allah has made us independent; if you should give us wives, then thanks be to Allah; and if you should turn us away, then praise be to Allah.” They [the household] answered, “Rather, you will marry, and thanks be to Allah.” Suhayb said to Bilal, “Would that you had mentioned our association and dealings with the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wassallam).” He replied, “Be quiet. I spoke the truth and the truth will get you married.”
One may be deceived both in beauty and in character; therefore it is desirable to avoid deception in beauty by looking, and [deception] in character by description and inquiry. It is desirable that this precede marriage. A description of her character and beauty should not be sought from any but one who is keen, who is truthful, who is well versed in the apparent and the hidden [qualities], who is not predisposed toward her lest he should praise her too much, and who does not envy her lest he should not praise her enough. In stating the basis for marriage and in describing the would-be wives, the natural disposition leans toward exaggeration and excessiveness. Few are the ones who are truthful and are inclined to modesty; rather, deception and enticement often predominate. Caution, therefore, is important for one who would guard himself against longing for a woman other than his wife.
As for the man whose purpose in having a wife is mere observation of the sunna, bearing children, or caring for the house, should he renounce beauty, he would draw nearer to asceticism; because seeking beauty, in short, is a worldly interest even though in the case of some individuals [it] may be an aid to religion.
Abu Sulayman al-Darani said, “Indifference (zuhd) [to worldly interests may be] in anything, even in women.” Thus a man [might] marry an old woman because he has preferred to renounce worldly delights. Malik b. Dinar used to say, “Many a man among you would refrain from marrying an orphan, whose feeding and clothing would cost little and who would be easily satisfied, thus gaining merit [before Allah]. Rather, he would marry the daughter of so and so-meaning prominent people-who would make many demands of him saying, `Clothe me with such and such.'“ Ahmad ibn Hanbal preferred a one-eyed [woman] over her sister who was beautiful. For he asked: “Who is the better behaved of the two?” He was told: “The one-eyed.” He replied: “Give her to me in marriage.” Such is the constant endeavor of one who does not seek [mere] sensual pleasures. If someone cannot secure his faith without a source of pleasure, then let him seek beauty because enjoyment of what is lawful strengthens faith.
It has been said that if a woman is beautiful, of good character, with black eyes and hair, large eyes, white complexion, loves her husband, and has an eye to no other man, she is in the image of the houris [hawar]. For Almighty God has ascribed to the women of paradise this description in the verse, “the good and beautiful” [Qur’an 60:70] (by “good” He meant “those enjoying good manners”); in the verse “of modest gaze” [37:48]; and in the verse “lovers ('urub), friends” [56:37]. (By “lovers,” He means someone who is in love with her husband and desirous of seducing him so as to complete her pleasure. By al-hawar, He meant whiteness; al-hawra' is a woman with intense whiteness of the sclera, profound blackness of the eyes matching the profound blackness of the hair, and big, wide[-set] eyes.)
The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “The best of your women is one who pleases her husband when he looks at her, who obeys him when he commands her, and guards his memory and his possessions when he is absent.” Her husband will be delighted to look at her if she loves him.
Dowry (Mahr)
The fourth quality is that her dowry should be small. The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) declared that “The best women are those whose faces are the most beautiful and whose dowries are the smallest.” He enjoined against excessiveness in dowries.” The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) married one of his wives for a dowry of ten dirhams and household furnishings that consisted of a hand mill, a jug, a pillow made of skin stuffed with palm fibers,” and a stone ('iliyy); in the case of another, he feasted with two measures of barley;” and for another, with two measures of dates and two of mush (sawiq).
'Umar [also] used to enjoin against excessive dowries and used to say, “In getting married and in marrying of his daughters, the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) never spent more than 400 dirhams.” If paying excessive dowries for women were a virtue, the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) would have been the first to do so.
One of the companions of the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) was married for a date-pit of gold equal to five dirhams. Sa'aid b. al-Musayyab married his daughter to Abu Hurayrah for two dirhams. He then took her personally to him by night, let her in through the door, then departed. Seven days later, he came back and greeted her. Even if he [Sa'id] had married for ten dirhams to be different from the rest of the ulema, there would be nothing wrong with his act.
A khabar states that “a woman's blessing is in marrying and in bearing children quickly, and “in the reasonableness of her dowry." He also said, “The most blessed among them are the ones with the smallest dowries.”
Just as it is undesirable for the woman's dowry to be excessive, it is undesirable for the man to ask about the possessions of the woman. Marriage should never be motivated by avidity for wealth. Al-Thawri said, “Should one marry and ask `What does the woman possess?' know ye that he is a thief; and should a person give them a present, it should not be with the purpose of forcing them to reciprocate with more; likewise, should they give him a present, the expectation of receiving more [than they gave] is immoral. Exchanging gifts is desirable, and results in friendship.” The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “If you exchange gifts, you will love each other.” As pertains to seeking more, it is included in the words of the Almighty: “And show not favor, seeking worldly gain” [Qur’an 74:6], that is to say, give [not] in order to receive more; also in the Almighty's words: “That which ye give in usury in order that it may increase on (other) people's property” [30:39], for usurious interest is the increase, and that [giving a gift] is an attempt to increase the principal, though it is not usurious. All such attempts are detested and are regarded as heretical in marriage. For they resemble trading and gambling, and their aim corrupts marriage.
Childbearing
The fifth quality is that the woman be able to bear children. Should she be known to be barren, then one should avoid marrying her. The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “Marry the loving child-bearer”; if she has no husband and her affairs are not known, the decision should be based on her health and her youth for, given these two qualities, she will most likely be capable of bearing children.
Virginity
The sixth quality is that she should be a virgin. The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said to Jabir, who had married an unwed deflowered woman, “Would that she were a virgin so you could daily with her and she with you.” Virginity has three advantages:
(a) First, the virgin will love the husband and feel close to him, which will favorably influence their conjugal attachment. The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “Marry the loving (woman)”; for the natural disposition is to be attached to the first mate with whom one has had intimate relations. On the other hand, a woman who has experienced men and life may not be satisfied with some of the qualities that differ from those she is accustomed to, and may, therefore, loathe the husband.
(b) Second, it engenders a greater measure of his love for her, as it is a man's nature to be somewhat repelled by a woman who has been touched by another husband; that would contradict [a man's] nature regardless of what might be said [to the contrary]. Certain natures find it more repulsive than others.
(c) Third, the virgin does not yearn after the first husband, because, in general, the surest love is that which is engendered with the first loved one.
Good Lineage
The seventh quality is that the wife should be of good lineage, that is to say, she should come from a religious and righteous background, because she will bring up her daughters and sons. If she is not well bred, she will not be able to raise her children well. For that reason the Prophet* said, “Beware of the green dung (khadra' al-diman).” It was asked, “What is the green dung?” He said, “The beautiful woman with an evil origin.” The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “Exercise care in choosing [wives] for your sperm, for a hereditary quality is wont to return.”“
Not a Close Relative
The eighth quality is that she should not be a close relative, as that would lessen desire. The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “Don't marry close relatives for then the child is born scrawny”; that is to say, weak; such is the weakening effect it [marrying close relatives] has on desire. For desire is excited by the deep emotions which result from sight and touch; emotions are strengthened by whatever is unfamiliar and new. On the other hand, what is familiar and seen continuously renders the faculties incapable of fully appreciating it [desire], being affected by it, or becoming aroused through it. These are the qualities desired in women.
INQUIRY INTO THE HUSBAND'S CHARACTER
It is incumbent upon the guardian also to examine the qualities of the husband and to look after his daughter so as not to give her in marriage to one who is ugly, ill-mannered, weak in faith, negligent in upholding her rights, or unequal to her in descent. The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) has said, “Marriage is enslavement; let one, therefore, be careful in whose hands he places his daughter.”“
Exercising caution on her behalf is important, because she becomes a slave by the marriage and cannot be freed from it, while the husband is able to obtain divorce at all times. Whoever gives his daughter in marriage to a person who is unjust, licentious, heretic, or an inebriate commits a crime against his religion and exposes himself to the wrath of Allah for having severed his parental tie by having made a bad choice. A man said to al-Hasan, “A number of suitors have asked for my daughter's hand in marriage; to whom should I give her?” He replied, “To the one who fears Allah; because if he loves her, he will be kind to her; and if he hates her, he will not wrong her.” The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “Whoever gives his daughter in marriage to a licentious man has betrayed her womb.”
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
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