Towards a Harmonious Marriage

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

One of the satisfying conversations in a marriage is the one involving future plans and goals in life. You can talk about kids and their lives ahead. And if you don’t have kids just yet, talk about when you intend to have them and how you can plan for them. You can talk about your dreams and aspirations with your spouse and make sure you know your spouse's wants and dreams in life too. But no matter what your dreams and aspirations are, you have to ask yourself ... what am I going to do for Allah's religion (Deen) while I am here?

Marriage is to serve the Deen, to benefit humanity -- for example to produce good teachers, good leaders, good future parents, etc. You can't do it if there is no harmony and stability at home. And so Allah laid down the structure of the family to help us do this.

Your husband is the Ameer (leader), though not an absolute boss. He holds the final decision. A household cannot function if the husband cannot make the final decision. A household cannot function if the wife cannot trust the husband's decision, for the children will eventually learn not to respect either parent's authority and they will squeeze themselves in the middle. Family is destroyed when this structure is broken.

It is true that a righteous spouse is a blessing from Allah. If husbands are responsible for their wives, wives should also remember that you are responsible for yourself and your children.

As the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The Ameer (leader) who governs the people is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of the members of his household and is responsible for them. A woman is the shepherd of her husband’s house and children and is responsible for them. A slave is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.
[Bukhaari]

A good leader will take care of his wife so well that he didn't have to argue or fight with his wife for his command to be obeyed. Why? Because a good wife would hate to disappoint her husband. The head of household don't blow up when his command is not obeyed. On the rare occasion when the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) got angry, he was silent. So, if you want to follow the Sunnah, your anger should be silent.

If the husband does his job as an Ameer well, the wife's job is not to take advantage of him. Just because your husband doesn't say anything, doesn't yell or scream, that doesn't mean you have an open license and do whatever you want. There has to be some respect and sensitivity towards his leadership and requests.

The Prophetic model of being patient and forgiving leaves the leash a little loose which may be taken advantage but Allah did not let that happen in the Prophetic household because harmony in the Prophetic household is crucial in his da'wah. Allah says,

ن تَتُوبَآ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ فَقَدْ صَغَتْ قُلُوبُكُمَا ۖ وَإِن تَظَـٰهَرَ‌ا عَلَيْهِ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ هُوَ مَوْلَىٰهُ وَجِبْرِ‌يلُ وَصَـٰلِحُ ٱلْمُؤْمِنِينَ ۖ وَٱلْمَلَـٰٓئِكَةُ بَعْدَ ذَ‌ٰلِكَ ظَهِيرٌ‌ ﴿٤﴾ عَسَىٰ رَ‌بُّهُۥٓ إِن طَلَّقَكُنَّ أَن يُبْدِلَهُۥٓ أَزْوَ‌ٰجًا خَيْرً‌ۭا مِّنكُنَّ مُسْلِمَـٰتٍ مُّؤْمِنَـٰتٍ قَـٰنِتَـٰتٍ تَـٰٓئِبَـٰتٍ عَـٰبِدَ‌ٰتٍ سَـٰٓئِحَـٰتٍ ثَيِّبَـٰتٍ وَأَبْكَارً‌ۭا ﴿٥

If you two [wives] repent to Allah, [it is best], for your hearts have deviated. But if you cooperate against him - then indeed Allah is his protector, and Gabriel and the righteous of the believers and the angels, moreover, are [his] assistants. (4) Perhaps his Lord, if he divorced you [all], would substitute for him wives better than you - submitting [to Allah], believing, devoutly obedient, repentant, worshiping, and traveling - [ones] previously married and virgins. (5) [Qur'an, A-Tahrim 66:4-5]

Both husband and wife have to understand their roles. The husband has to understand what it mean to lead a family. The wife has to understand what it means to be a "qaanitat" to Allah and to her husband.

There is not a human on earth who like to be told what to do. It takes a lot of work to obey the other person. Men and women just don't like it. So give as little instructions as possible.

Husbands should try to only give instruction when absolutely necessary. Be as independent as you can be. Expect as little from your wife because when she does something you will be very happy. If you didn't do this, then your life will amount to making a list of things she didn't do. If you learn to become more independent, just like before you get married, and on top of that you take care of her needs, then you have a very good chance of keeping your family intact.

Many men think that housework is beneath them, and some of them think that it will undermine their status and position if they help their wives with this work. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace), however, used to sew his own clothes, mend his own shoes and do whatever other workmen do in their homes. [Reported by Imam Ahmad in al-Musnad] This was said by his wife Aishah (may Allah be pleased with her), when she was asked about what the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) used to do in his house; her response described what she herself had seen.

According to another report, she said: "He was like any other human being: he would clean his clothes, milk his ewe and serve himself." (Reported by Imam Ahmad in al-Musnad]

She (may Allah be pleased with her) was also asked about what the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) used to do in his house, and she said, "He used to serve his family, then when the time for prayer came, he would go out to pray." (Bukhaari].

Wives should do something for your husbands too. You should help, be supportive of your husband, not out of religious obligations but out of your desire to please Allah. If you iron your husband's shirt, cook breakfast for him, and a whole list of things you do everyday for him and the family, you don't bring them up in fights. Same goes to the husbands with your wives. Don't bring up all the good that you do for her. The One who needs to appreciate what you do for the other has already appreciated it because you did it to another of His servant.

If couples can keep taqwa at the heart of their marriages, and keep what you are doing for each other for the ihsan and only to please Allah, and bringing up things is out of the question, you will have a happy marriage. Otherwise, you will have a miserable marriage.

We know it's an on-going struggle for many marriages. After all, this dunya is a test and a place to strive in, to make it to our home sweetest home — Jannah.

May Allah make our husbands among the best of husbands, our wives among the best of wives, our children among the best of children, our fathers among the best of fathers, our mothers among the best of mothers, and may Allah bring peace and harmony to our families. Ameen.

Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.

And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam