بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Moving out of home as we transition into adulthood is a wonderful thing. We gain independence, become self-reliant, and have the freedom to really discover who we are and what we want in life. Sometimes we enjoy the independence of adulthood so much that we forget the things that make up who we are.
There is nothing like the love of a mother. She cares for you like no one else does. She loves you like no one else ever will. No matter how good or bad you are, for most of us, she will always forgive you and welcome you home.
A mother's love is love of extreme sacrifices -- when someone else's well-being is above her own; when someone else's pain stabs her heart with the knife; when someone else's wrong doing causes her heartbreak and disappointment.
Sometimes we take for granted the love of our mothers -- which is probably the only love that lasts until the day she dies. We used to yell. We used to argue. We used to lie. We used to rebel. We used to do stupid things just to give her headaches and painful adrenaline rushes. All of these did nothing but hurt her.
A mother shows her love through her actions, not her words. She proves to us that actions are the only things that truly count.
Everyone grows up with different types of parents -- some have cool, hipster parents; some have strict, conservative parents; some have free-spirited parents; and some have parents as protective as a dog.
Regardless of what our mothers are like in terms of personality traits and lifestyles, she always pass on something she learned to us.
From always reading documents before signing, to how to live life, how to do house chores, how to cook, how to pick fruits, how to ride a bike, how to be patient and accept that we can't always get the toys we want, how to laugh at ourselves when we trip over, and how to cry when it hurts and get back up again...
Without her as our mentor when we were young, we would have stumbled upon so many more errors in life. Her preaches might seem like they've gone into one ear and right out through the other. But as we get older, those things she preached us start to turn into life's golden wisdom. The skills she taught become valuable for a lifetime. The mindset she planted into us is probably the most powerful thing one could inherit from a mother.
If you still have a mother, keep her companionship and take good care of her. And you will see where you will end up as a reward... in Paradise. Remember the story of Uwais Al-Qarni? Uwais didn’t get to be a companion of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam because he chose to care for his mother and keep her company. So Uwais was given the honor of being the Prophet's companion in Paradise. This also goes for you.
Imagine how Uwais must have felt to hear what the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam had said about him to his companions: “...He is a man of medium height, head held high despite being poor with very dark skin. I can see him putting his right arm on his left arm and weeping as he reads Qur'an. He is wearing a cloak of poor wool,” said the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam, smiling as if he can see him as Jibril alayhissalaam is describing him. “On his left shoulder, there is a white mark the size of a dirham that is the effect of an illness. He is unknown among the people but known in the skies. His biggest sign is the mother he deeply cares for. When he makes du'aa, it is granted. He will come among the people on the Day of Judgment and as they are entering Paradise, he will be stopped. When he asks why, Allah will tell him he can bring whomever he wants into Paradise with him, as much as 200,000 people (the amount of two large tribes).”
Uwais is going to take 200,000 people with him to Paradise! Even a martyr only gets 70.
May Allah guide our children and help them serve and treat us well. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best and He alone gives success.
Wassalaam
Monday, November 30, 2015
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Fire-Proofing Yourself With 8 Rakaat
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Every Muslim, whether be male or female, is recommended to pray 12 Rakaat of supererogatory prayers every day: four of these Rakaat (units of prayers) are before noon prayer, two after it, two after Maghrib prayer, two after Isha (night) prayer and two before Fajr prayer. These supererogatory prayers are called (Rawatib) which means: “Certain supererogatory exercises of optional prayers.” The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam preserved the performance of these optional prayers wherever he settled. During his travels, he used to practice the two optional Rakaat before the morning prayer and also the Witr prayer (after the Isha prayer).
There is no objection to perform these optional prayers in the mosque, but it is better to perform it at home, because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam said “The best of the prayers are those which are fulfilled at one’s own home, with exception to obligatory prayers which should be performed in congregation at the mosque.”
Observance of fulfilling these optional prayers is a means for gaining admission to paradise. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam said (which means): “Whoever prays optionally twelve Rakaat every one day and night, Allah will reward him by an established dwelling in the paradise.
And there are eight sunnah rakaat that will make you fire-proof, inshaa Allah.
The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wassallam, used to practice these consistently while present at his residence and admonished us as follows:
Whoever preserves four rakaat before Dhuhr and four after it, Allah will make him forbidden for the fire. [Abu Dawud (1269), At-Tirmithi (427), An-Nisa’ (1818), Ibn Majah (1160) , classified saheeh by Al-Albani]
If the person prays four after Dhuhr, thus adding two rakaat, then this is better, but it is not rawatib. The rawatib is two rakaat. If he prays four after Dhuhr prayer, then this has in it virtue and a tremendous amount of good.
So next time make a double intention to gain the reward for rawatib prayers and become fire-proof by praying four rakaat after Dhuhr prayer.
Teach others this rewarding habit.
May Allah save us from the hellfire. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best and He alone grant success.
Wassalaam
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Every Muslim, whether be male or female, is recommended to pray 12 Rakaat of supererogatory prayers every day: four of these Rakaat (units of prayers) are before noon prayer, two after it, two after Maghrib prayer, two after Isha (night) prayer and two before Fajr prayer. These supererogatory prayers are called (Rawatib) which means: “Certain supererogatory exercises of optional prayers.” The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam preserved the performance of these optional prayers wherever he settled. During his travels, he used to practice the two optional Rakaat before the morning prayer and also the Witr prayer (after the Isha prayer).
There is no objection to perform these optional prayers in the mosque, but it is better to perform it at home, because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam said “The best of the prayers are those which are fulfilled at one’s own home, with exception to obligatory prayers which should be performed in congregation at the mosque.”
Observance of fulfilling these optional prayers is a means for gaining admission to paradise. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam said (which means): “Whoever prays optionally twelve Rakaat every one day and night, Allah will reward him by an established dwelling in the paradise.
And there are eight sunnah rakaat that will make you fire-proof, inshaa Allah.
The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wassallam, used to practice these consistently while present at his residence and admonished us as follows:
Whoever preserves four rakaat before Dhuhr and four after it, Allah will make him forbidden for the fire. [Abu Dawud (1269), At-Tirmithi (427), An-Nisa’ (1818), Ibn Majah (1160) , classified saheeh by Al-Albani]
If the person prays four after Dhuhr, thus adding two rakaat, then this is better, but it is not rawatib. The rawatib is two rakaat. If he prays four after Dhuhr prayer, then this has in it virtue and a tremendous amount of good.
So next time make a double intention to gain the reward for rawatib prayers and become fire-proof by praying four rakaat after Dhuhr prayer.
Teach others this rewarding habit.
May Allah save us from the hellfire. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best and He alone grant success.
Wassalaam
Loving the Sunnah -- Conserve Water and Do Not Waste It
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Water is a tremendous blessing from Allah. Like all blessings of Allah, we must not waste it. Wastefulness (israf) means to consume wealth, to squander it, and to spend it on that which entails no real benefit, neither religious nor worldly (of that which is permissible). It is unlawful, a disease of the heart, and a vile trait. Sufficient for you is Allah’s statement, Glorious and Exalted:
إِنَّهُۥ لَا يُحِبُّ ٱلْمُسْرِفِينَ ﴿١٤١
Allah does not love the wasteful (141) [Qur'an, Al-An'am 6:141]
and
إِنَّ ٱلْمُبَذِّرِينَ كَانُوٓا۟ إِخْوَٰنَ ٱلشَّيَـٰطِينِ ۖ وَكَانَ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنُ لِرَبِّهِۦ كَفُورًۭا ﴿٢٧
Indeed, the wasteful are brothers of the devils, and ever has Satan been to his Lord ungrateful. (27) [Qur'an, Al-Isra' 17:27]
With one-third of the world's population living in countries which are experiencing water shortages, it is unforgivable that so little is done to preserve this invaluable and life giving resource.
Freshwater is the single most essential good for our well-being. Like a giant engine working day and night, the water cycle and inherent ecosystems are the life support of the planet. More than one billion people worldwide do not have access to clean freshwater. Three billion do not have adequate sanitation services and the annual death toll from water-borne diseases is estimated at more than three million.
As individuals seeking to implement the sunna of the prophets and messengers (peace and blessings be upon them all) in our lives, we have a great responsibility on our shoulders to increase awareness of this threat and encourage others, starting with your family, to conserve water, even if you live in areas where water seems abundant.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam once passed by Sayyiduna Sa`d and rebuked him for wasting water while performing wudu' (ritual purification).
He replied:
“O Messenger of Allah, is there wastage in wudu?”
“Yes,” said the Prophet sallallahu alayhim wassallam, “even if you are performing wudu' in a flowing river.”
It is disliked to waste water while performing wudu' even if you are doing so on the seashore or a riverbank. The river or the sea will not be affected even if you use a lot of water, but you will be affected. If you are excessive in your use of permissible things you will fall into disliked and dubious things and this will lead to forbidden things.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam said:
“The one who falls into dubious things falls into forbidden things, like the shepherd who allows his flock to graze around a prohibited area. His flock is likely to stray into it.”
If you were to be deprived of water, you would die of thirst. This is so obvious but what are you doing about it?
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam once performed wudu' and washed each body part three times. He said: “This is my wudu' and the wudu' of the Prophets who came before me. Whoever does more or less has done something wrong.” It is recommended to wash each body part three times. To wash a fourth time is disliked. It is also disliked to wash less than three times.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam said: “There will be people that go to an excess in their purification and in their supplication.”
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam used around 500 ml for his wudu' and around 2 liters for his ghusl. Waste is defined as usage beyond the extent of need or benefit. When at all possible, take wudu' using water from a small bucket. This not only get you the reward of following the sunnah, you also avoid wasting water especially when you use the tap and run it high.
Just as we should not waste water in wudu', we should not be wasteful in other things. We should only take what we need of the blessings that Allah has bestowed upon us.
Imam Ahmad bin Hasan al-`Attas said:
“We do not ask for a large amount of provision or a small amount. Rather we ask for what we need—no more and no less.”
He built a large house to accommodate his many guests. Other people copied him and built large houses. He built his house since there was a need to do so but they built their houses when there was no need.
Sayyiduna al-Hasan al-Basri said that he would enter the Prophet’s apartments and touch the ceiling with his hand. The people of al-Madinah wept when these apartments were removed so that the mosque could be enlarged.
Sayyiduna al-Hasan said:
“I wish that they had left them as they were, so that people could see how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam lived.”
When it comes to spending money for Allah’s sake there is no wastage. It has been said:
لا سرف في الخير كما لا خير في السرف
“Just as there is no good in wastage, there is no wastage in spending on good things.”
May Allah help us follow the footsteps of His beloved Messenger sallallahu alayhi wassallam and protect us from wastefulness. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah alone grant success. And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Water is a tremendous blessing from Allah. Like all blessings of Allah, we must not waste it. Wastefulness (israf) means to consume wealth, to squander it, and to spend it on that which entails no real benefit, neither religious nor worldly (of that which is permissible). It is unlawful, a disease of the heart, and a vile trait. Sufficient for you is Allah’s statement, Glorious and Exalted:
إِنَّهُۥ لَا يُحِبُّ ٱلْمُسْرِفِينَ ﴿١٤١
Allah does not love the wasteful (141) [Qur'an, Al-An'am 6:141]
and
إِنَّ ٱلْمُبَذِّرِينَ كَانُوٓا۟ إِخْوَٰنَ ٱلشَّيَـٰطِينِ ۖ وَكَانَ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنُ لِرَبِّهِۦ كَفُورًۭا ﴿٢٧
Indeed, the wasteful are brothers of the devils, and ever has Satan been to his Lord ungrateful. (27) [Qur'an, Al-Isra' 17:27]
With one-third of the world's population living in countries which are experiencing water shortages, it is unforgivable that so little is done to preserve this invaluable and life giving resource.
Freshwater is the single most essential good for our well-being. Like a giant engine working day and night, the water cycle and inherent ecosystems are the life support of the planet. More than one billion people worldwide do not have access to clean freshwater. Three billion do not have adequate sanitation services and the annual death toll from water-borne diseases is estimated at more than three million.
As individuals seeking to implement the sunna of the prophets and messengers (peace and blessings be upon them all) in our lives, we have a great responsibility on our shoulders to increase awareness of this threat and encourage others, starting with your family, to conserve water, even if you live in areas where water seems abundant.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam once passed by Sayyiduna Sa`d and rebuked him for wasting water while performing wudu' (ritual purification).
He replied:
“O Messenger of Allah, is there wastage in wudu?”
“Yes,” said the Prophet sallallahu alayhim wassallam, “even if you are performing wudu' in a flowing river.”
It is disliked to waste water while performing wudu' even if you are doing so on the seashore or a riverbank. The river or the sea will not be affected even if you use a lot of water, but you will be affected. If you are excessive in your use of permissible things you will fall into disliked and dubious things and this will lead to forbidden things.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam said:
“The one who falls into dubious things falls into forbidden things, like the shepherd who allows his flock to graze around a prohibited area. His flock is likely to stray into it.”
If you were to be deprived of water, you would die of thirst. This is so obvious but what are you doing about it?
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam once performed wudu' and washed each body part three times. He said: “This is my wudu' and the wudu' of the Prophets who came before me. Whoever does more or less has done something wrong.” It is recommended to wash each body part three times. To wash a fourth time is disliked. It is also disliked to wash less than three times.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam said: “There will be people that go to an excess in their purification and in their supplication.”
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam used around 500 ml for his wudu' and around 2 liters for his ghusl. Waste is defined as usage beyond the extent of need or benefit. When at all possible, take wudu' using water from a small bucket. This not only get you the reward of following the sunnah, you also avoid wasting water especially when you use the tap and run it high.
Just as we should not waste water in wudu', we should not be wasteful in other things. We should only take what we need of the blessings that Allah has bestowed upon us.
Imam Ahmad bin Hasan al-`Attas said:
“We do not ask for a large amount of provision or a small amount. Rather we ask for what we need—no more and no less.”
He built a large house to accommodate his many guests. Other people copied him and built large houses. He built his house since there was a need to do so but they built their houses when there was no need.
Sayyiduna al-Hasan al-Basri said that he would enter the Prophet’s apartments and touch the ceiling with his hand. The people of al-Madinah wept when these apartments were removed so that the mosque could be enlarged.
Sayyiduna al-Hasan said:
“I wish that they had left them as they were, so that people could see how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam lived.”
When it comes to spending money for Allah’s sake there is no wastage. It has been said:
لا سرف في الخير كما لا خير في السرف
“Just as there is no good in wastage, there is no wastage in spending on good things.”
May Allah help us follow the footsteps of His beloved Messenger sallallahu alayhi wassallam and protect us from wastefulness. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah alone grant success. And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
Friday, November 27, 2015
Let's Read Surah Kahf Today (Friday) -- Don't Worry About Anything
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
We worry too much. Do you know that worrying is the most unproductive thing you can do in life?
We worry and run after material things believing that these things are our providers. We need to take time out to reflect on one of the greatest attributes of Allah, i.e. Ar-Razzaq. We all know about Him as The Provider, but do we really internalize it? Do our hearts deeply rely on the providence of Allah?
Allah stated in Qur'an:
إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ هُوَ ٱلرَّزَّاقُ ذُو ٱلْقُوَّةِ ٱلْمَتِينُ ﴿٥٨
Verily, Allah is the All-Provider, Owner of Power, the Most Strong. [Qur'an, Adh-Dhariyat 51:58]
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱذْكُرُوا۟ نِعْمَتَ ٱللَّهِ عَلَيْكُمْ ۚ هَلْ مِنْ خَـٰلِقٍ غَيْرُ ٱللَّهِ يَرْزُقُكُم مِّنَ ٱلسَّمَآءِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ ۚ لَآ إِلَـٰهَ إِلَّا هُوَ ۖ فَأَنَّىٰ تُؤْفَكُونَ ﴿٣
Is there any creator other than Allah, Who provides you from the heaven and the earth? There is no god but He. How, then, are you turning away (from Him). [Qur'an, Fatir 35:3]
These Qur'anic verses are a reminder for us that Allah is the One who provides for us. Generally we assume that provision is only for material things, especially money. But this attribute of Allah is immense, and it reveals that Allah is The Provider of each and everything.
وَٱصْبِرْ نَفْسَكَ مَعَ ٱلَّذِينَ يَدْعُونَ رَبَّهُم بِٱلْغَدَوٰةِ وَٱلْعَشِىِّ يُرِيدُونَ وَجْهَهُۥ ۖ وَلَا تَعْدُ عَيْنَاكَ عَنْهُمْ تُرِيدُ زِينَةَ ٱلْحَيَوٰةِ ٱلدُّنْيَا ۖ وَلَا تُطِعْ مَنْ أَغْفَلْنَا قَلْبَهُۥ عَن ذِكْرِنَا وَٱتَّبَعَ هَوَىٰهُ وَكَانَ أَمْرُهُۥ فُرُطًا ﴿٢٨
And keep yourself patient [by being] with those who call upon their Lord in the morning and the evening, seeking His countenance. And let not your eyes pass beyond them, desiring adornments of the worldly life, and do not obey one whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance and who follows his desire and whose affair is ever [in] neglect. (28) [Qur'an, Al-Kahf 18:28]
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows and Allah alone grant success.
Wassalaam
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
We worry too much. Do you know that worrying is the most unproductive thing you can do in life?
We worry and run after material things believing that these things are our providers. We need to take time out to reflect on one of the greatest attributes of Allah, i.e. Ar-Razzaq. We all know about Him as The Provider, but do we really internalize it? Do our hearts deeply rely on the providence of Allah?
Allah stated in Qur'an:
إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ هُوَ ٱلرَّزَّاقُ ذُو ٱلْقُوَّةِ ٱلْمَتِينُ ﴿٥٨
Verily, Allah is the All-Provider, Owner of Power, the Most Strong. [Qur'an, Adh-Dhariyat 51:58]
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ ٱذْكُرُوا۟ نِعْمَتَ ٱللَّهِ عَلَيْكُمْ ۚ هَلْ مِنْ خَـٰلِقٍ غَيْرُ ٱللَّهِ يَرْزُقُكُم مِّنَ ٱلسَّمَآءِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ ۚ لَآ إِلَـٰهَ إِلَّا هُوَ ۖ فَأَنَّىٰ تُؤْفَكُونَ ﴿٣
Is there any creator other than Allah, Who provides you from the heaven and the earth? There is no god but He. How, then, are you turning away (from Him). [Qur'an, Fatir 35:3]
These Qur'anic verses are a reminder for us that Allah is the One who provides for us. Generally we assume that provision is only for material things, especially money. But this attribute of Allah is immense, and it reveals that Allah is The Provider of each and everything.
وَٱصْبِرْ نَفْسَكَ مَعَ ٱلَّذِينَ يَدْعُونَ رَبَّهُم بِٱلْغَدَوٰةِ وَٱلْعَشِىِّ يُرِيدُونَ وَجْهَهُۥ ۖ وَلَا تَعْدُ عَيْنَاكَ عَنْهُمْ تُرِيدُ زِينَةَ ٱلْحَيَوٰةِ ٱلدُّنْيَا ۖ وَلَا تُطِعْ مَنْ أَغْفَلْنَا قَلْبَهُۥ عَن ذِكْرِنَا وَٱتَّبَعَ هَوَىٰهُ وَكَانَ أَمْرُهُۥ فُرُطًا ﴿٢٨
And keep yourself patient [by being] with those who call upon their Lord in the morning and the evening, seeking His countenance. And let not your eyes pass beyond them, desiring adornments of the worldly life, and do not obey one whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance and who follows his desire and whose affair is ever [in] neglect. (28) [Qur'an, Al-Kahf 18:28]
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows and Allah alone grant success.
Wassalaam
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
A Mother's Advice to Her Son Getting Married
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
When it comes to marriages, mothers share a lot of information and give a lot of advice to their daughters. But, they often forget or overlook the importance of imparting some advice when it comes to their sons. In fact, the relationship a son has with his mother or how he sees his mother, is usually reflected on how he sees and treats other women, especially his wife.
Mothers are a very important figure in their son's life. The link between a mother and son is one of the most precious and special relationships a woman shares.
Therefore, it is important for mothers to have a chat with their sons just before their marriage, on marriage.
Here are a few things that this chat can start with.
Focus on the true purpose and understand the aim of matrimony
Focusing on the true purpose and understanding the aim of matrimony are keys for a happy reunion. Marriage is the foundation of human life, a Divine gift, and a Prophetic sunnah. In the outward sense, is merely a social contract, but it is also a “spiritual covenant”. Marriage in Islam is a sacred covenant, whereby intimacy between the genders becomes lawful and sanctified, and acceptable to the Lord of the Worlds. So, there is an issue of not only fidelity towards your wife and not only a desire to please your wife and to sacrifice for your wife, but also to please Allah and to have fidelity in your dealings with Allah Almighty. Marriage is an institution whereby you can deepen your relationship not only with another human being, but with Allah subhanahu wa-ta’ala.
Don’t compare your wife with me!
A mother should make sure that her son never compares his wife to her. Whether it comes to cooking or managing the household, most men end up comparing their wives to their mothers (knowingly or unknowingly). Dear son, you need to realize that your mother has more than two decades of experience of being a wife (and mother). While, your wife is as new to marriage as you are. So, whether it is her culinary skills, managing the budget, waking up on time, or anything that the super-mommy does better, do not compare it all with your wife. Your wife is just as awesome in her own way, and some day she will be just an awesome mommy to your child.
Your wife is not your "mommy"!
That's right guys, your wife is not your mommy. This means, it is time to grow up, become responsible, and do some work yourself. And don’t crib about how your mother used to pamper you all the time. You were your mother’s baby, and she was there to take care of you. On the other hand, to your wife, you are her companion, and so you both have to take care of each other. Help her out, divide work, and no matter what, take care of your own things. This means, socks go in the laundry and not on the floor and the wet towel does not belong on the bed.
Respect your wife!
Yes, your mother will always be important for you and even for your wife. Having said that, your wife is the one who will be standing by your side and facing all the ups and downs with you always. So, she needs to be treated with respect. Give importance to her opinions and advice. She will never be able to or try to undermine your mother’s position in your life. But, she too deserves your respect.
Help your wife at every step!
Your wife has kissed goodbye to her family and home for you. So, now it is your turn to make her feel as comfortable as possible in the new home. Her life has turned upside down, and even small things can make her uncomfortable and anxious. So, make sure you become her partner and guide in her new home. Also, make sure that she feels at ease to talk about her feelings. Make sure that you do small little things to make her adjustment to the new environment and lifestyle pleasant and easy.
Never stop loving your wife!
Not even 40 years later when her hair will not be shiny black or stylish and her face will not have her natural pink blush. Love her unconditionally. Accept her just the way she is because that is the reason you chose her as your better half. Keep surprising her, make her laugh, sweep her off her feet, and keep the relationship forever new and young. Tell her how much you love her even when her hair is all messy when she wakes up in the morning, or when she has flour on her face while she is making bread, and all the other times when she feels that she looks like a mess.
Mothers understand that marriages are a lot about compromise and adjustments for both sides. So, there is no one better who can give these lessons to the grooms.
May Allah bring much happiness, tranquility, and barakah (blessings) in your marriage.
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
Our Lord, grant us from among our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.
Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best and Allah alone grant success. Ameen.
Wassalaam
Related Archive
A Mother's Advice to Her Daughter Getting Married
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
When it comes to marriages, mothers share a lot of information and give a lot of advice to their daughters. But, they often forget or overlook the importance of imparting some advice when it comes to their sons. In fact, the relationship a son has with his mother or how he sees his mother, is usually reflected on how he sees and treats other women, especially his wife.
Mothers are a very important figure in their son's life. The link between a mother and son is one of the most precious and special relationships a woman shares.
Therefore, it is important for mothers to have a chat with their sons just before their marriage, on marriage.
Here are a few things that this chat can start with.
Focus on the true purpose and understand the aim of matrimony
Focusing on the true purpose and understanding the aim of matrimony are keys for a happy reunion. Marriage is the foundation of human life, a Divine gift, and a Prophetic sunnah. In the outward sense, is merely a social contract, but it is also a “spiritual covenant”. Marriage in Islam is a sacred covenant, whereby intimacy between the genders becomes lawful and sanctified, and acceptable to the Lord of the Worlds. So, there is an issue of not only fidelity towards your wife and not only a desire to please your wife and to sacrifice for your wife, but also to please Allah and to have fidelity in your dealings with Allah Almighty. Marriage is an institution whereby you can deepen your relationship not only with another human being, but with Allah subhanahu wa-ta’ala.
Don’t compare your wife with me!
A mother should make sure that her son never compares his wife to her. Whether it comes to cooking or managing the household, most men end up comparing their wives to their mothers (knowingly or unknowingly). Dear son, you need to realize that your mother has more than two decades of experience of being a wife (and mother). While, your wife is as new to marriage as you are. So, whether it is her culinary skills, managing the budget, waking up on time, or anything that the super-mommy does better, do not compare it all with your wife. Your wife is just as awesome in her own way, and some day she will be just an awesome mommy to your child.
Your wife is not your "mommy"!
That's right guys, your wife is not your mommy. This means, it is time to grow up, become responsible, and do some work yourself. And don’t crib about how your mother used to pamper you all the time. You were your mother’s baby, and she was there to take care of you. On the other hand, to your wife, you are her companion, and so you both have to take care of each other. Help her out, divide work, and no matter what, take care of your own things. This means, socks go in the laundry and not on the floor and the wet towel does not belong on the bed.
Respect your wife!
Yes, your mother will always be important for you and even for your wife. Having said that, your wife is the one who will be standing by your side and facing all the ups and downs with you always. So, she needs to be treated with respect. Give importance to her opinions and advice. She will never be able to or try to undermine your mother’s position in your life. But, she too deserves your respect.
Help your wife at every step!
Your wife has kissed goodbye to her family and home for you. So, now it is your turn to make her feel as comfortable as possible in the new home. Her life has turned upside down, and even small things can make her uncomfortable and anxious. So, make sure you become her partner and guide in her new home. Also, make sure that she feels at ease to talk about her feelings. Make sure that you do small little things to make her adjustment to the new environment and lifestyle pleasant and easy.
Never stop loving your wife!
Not even 40 years later when her hair will not be shiny black or stylish and her face will not have her natural pink blush. Love her unconditionally. Accept her just the way she is because that is the reason you chose her as your better half. Keep surprising her, make her laugh, sweep her off her feet, and keep the relationship forever new and young. Tell her how much you love her even when her hair is all messy when she wakes up in the morning, or when she has flour on her face while she is making bread, and all the other times when she feels that she looks like a mess.
Mothers understand that marriages are a lot about compromise and adjustments for both sides. So, there is no one better who can give these lessons to the grooms.
May Allah bring much happiness, tranquility, and barakah (blessings) in your marriage.
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
Our Lord, grant us from among our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.
Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best and Allah alone grant success. Ameen.
Wassalaam
Related Archive
A Mother's Advice to Her Daughter Getting Married
Monday, November 23, 2015
Overcoming Loneliness When Your Children Leave the Nest
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
The nest of family love is like a nest of birds. When it is the right time to fly, the young will fly away, as is the way of life. Parents must deal with the absence of family, friends, and love when children have flown from the nest of their family to build their own.
Empty nest syndrome is a psychological condition that affects principally women, producing grief when one or more of the children leave home. Most commonly it occurs when children leave for school, college, or university (usually late summer and autumn), or when children marry and leave home to live with their spouse. Empty nest syndrome often coincides with other major events in life, such as menopause, illness, or retirement. It impacts women in particular because motherhood is viewed as a primary role for both working and stay-at-home moms, and a role to which women dedicate themselves as a principal responsibility for an average of 20 years. A child leaving can precipitate a feeling of redundancy, accompanied by feeling lost, unworthy, and unsure about the future. Feeling sad and crying a little is a normal, healthy reaction to be expected of any parent; after all, it is a big change. It becomes a problem when you have feelings that stand in the way of your life, such as thinking that your life is no longer worthwhile, you're unable to stop crying excessively, and you're unable to resume a normal life of seeing friends, getting out and about, or resuming some activities that get you back into the swing of things.
At some level, each of us experiences loneliness during our years as a mother. And when our children leave home, the adjusting to the loneliness of the empty nest can be an especially difficult task.
First of all shift aside any terrifying thoughts. Both you and your children will be better off if you treat this as a big adventure.
It is helpful to recognize that we go through different seasons in life. There’s the season of being single, of being a newlywed, of raising young children, and of parenting teens. And the empty nest season. And finally there are the golden years at the twilight of life.
Seasons aren’t purely biological; interspersed through life are seasons of loss, seasons of pain, seasons of stress, seasons of joy. It’s helpful to look at life in terms of seasons. Every season will have unique challenges and each season will have unique blessings. We all remember the challenges of the infant years: sleep deprivation and a lack of appreciation. It’s a rare for a four-year-old who says, “Mommy you are doing such a good job of raising me. Thank you!”
But those years also hold unique blessings. It’s helpful to articulate the challenges and then choose to focus on the blessings of each distinct season. When we define the challenges, they are normal after all. When we are intentional in looking for the blessings, we discover the joys that Allah has prepared for us. It’s important to remember that no season lasts forever. So when the season arrived, we are prepared for it to the best of our ability and even if we are not prepared for it, go with it and move on. You can handle it. And remember,
لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا
Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. [Qur'an, Al-Baqarah 2:286]
There are some challenges but we don’t want to remain stuck in the challenges. Instead, we want to focus on the benefits of this season. Yet, no matter what our current challenge is, the place to begin is with Allah. Run to Allah.
At different times every one of us will get stuck. We’ll feel blue, we’ll experience loneliness, we’ll be anxious about the future. It isn’t just being in the empty nest, it’s being in transition. Moving from one season to another is uncomfortable and awkward. In fact, as much as we’d like to think stability is the norm in life, actually we spend more time in transition.
Where do we go in a time of transition? Our inclination can be to run to our husbands, our mothers, even friends. We might try to hold onto our children in an unhealthy way—unhealthy for them and for us. Or, our tendency can be to wallow in our loneliness. While others can be helpful, ultimately it is Allah alone who will offer comfort and help us move forward.
Acknowledge your grief. It doesn't matter what other people think or say about getting on with it. Unacknowledged grief will gnaw away at you if you don't face it and let yourself be upset for a time. Allow the grief to work through your system.
You'll feel a sense of loneliness and emptiness when they're gone because you can't just turn around and tell them the things as you always used to do. Keeping up constant communications is vital for maintaining a sense of family togetherness and to keep up with the news.
Focus on some of the positive points of your kids moving out. Focusing on some of the positive changes resulting from your children moving out can ease the sense of loss considerably when you weigh up what you've gained. While this doesn't belittle the importance of your sadness and the big transition you and your children are going through, it does help you to try to see the brighter side of your future.
Start looking to your own needs. Once you're satisfied that you've set your child on the right path, the busyness will wear off and you'll start noticing the big change in your life. The way in which you choose to perceive this change will color your feelings and approach to it – if you see it as a gaping hole, you'll feel much more miserable than if you choose to see it as an opportunity to revive some of your own interests and pursuits.
It's pretty common to find mothers put deep female friendships on hold for several years as they focus on their kids. It is now time to move out of that isolation and into community. Even though you might be unusually close to your husband, sometimes he couldn’t really relate to how you are feeling. You need some other women; they would understand. Simply being able to share honestly what is going on in your life and listening to other women can actually helped you feel normal again.
One of the great blessings of the empty nest is that we now have time to hang out with friends. If we are out of practice, it may be awkward at first, but take the plunge. There are rich relationships out there for you inshaa Allah. But choose your friends well. It is extremely important to choose and have good companions. Such a companion will remind you of Allah and help you follow the straight path, the path of those upon whom Allah has bestowed favor, not of those who have evoked His anger or of those who are astray.
Allah calls upon the believer to fear Him and tells us how we can accomplish that--by being with the truthful--those who are true in what they say and what they do.
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ ٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّـهَ وَكُونُوا۟ مَعَ ٱلصَّـٰدِقِينَ ﴿١١٩
O you who believe, fear Allah and be with those who are true (in words and deeds).
[Qur'an At-Tawba 9:119]
The formula is simple. If your friends are of the righteous, they will pull you towards what is good and encourage you to do what is pleasing to Allah, that which will take you to Paradise, by the Mercy of Allah. If your friends are of those who are heedless of Allah, they will pull you towards what is bad and encourage you to do what is pleasing to Shaytan, that which can lead you to the Hellfire.
"Do not keep company except with a believer, and do not feed except a person who has taqwa (fear of Allah)." [Abu Dawood, Tirmidhi]
May Allah grant us and our children great openings. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
The nest of family love is like a nest of birds. When it is the right time to fly, the young will fly away, as is the way of life. Parents must deal with the absence of family, friends, and love when children have flown from the nest of their family to build their own.
Empty nest syndrome is a psychological condition that affects principally women, producing grief when one or more of the children leave home. Most commonly it occurs when children leave for school, college, or university (usually late summer and autumn), or when children marry and leave home to live with their spouse. Empty nest syndrome often coincides with other major events in life, such as menopause, illness, or retirement. It impacts women in particular because motherhood is viewed as a primary role for both working and stay-at-home moms, and a role to which women dedicate themselves as a principal responsibility for an average of 20 years. A child leaving can precipitate a feeling of redundancy, accompanied by feeling lost, unworthy, and unsure about the future. Feeling sad and crying a little is a normal, healthy reaction to be expected of any parent; after all, it is a big change. It becomes a problem when you have feelings that stand in the way of your life, such as thinking that your life is no longer worthwhile, you're unable to stop crying excessively, and you're unable to resume a normal life of seeing friends, getting out and about, or resuming some activities that get you back into the swing of things.
At some level, each of us experiences loneliness during our years as a mother. And when our children leave home, the adjusting to the loneliness of the empty nest can be an especially difficult task.
First of all shift aside any terrifying thoughts. Both you and your children will be better off if you treat this as a big adventure.
It is helpful to recognize that we go through different seasons in life. There’s the season of being single, of being a newlywed, of raising young children, and of parenting teens. And the empty nest season. And finally there are the golden years at the twilight of life.
Seasons aren’t purely biological; interspersed through life are seasons of loss, seasons of pain, seasons of stress, seasons of joy. It’s helpful to look at life in terms of seasons. Every season will have unique challenges and each season will have unique blessings. We all remember the challenges of the infant years: sleep deprivation and a lack of appreciation. It’s a rare for a four-year-old who says, “Mommy you are doing such a good job of raising me. Thank you!”
But those years also hold unique blessings. It’s helpful to articulate the challenges and then choose to focus on the blessings of each distinct season. When we define the challenges, they are normal after all. When we are intentional in looking for the blessings, we discover the joys that Allah has prepared for us. It’s important to remember that no season lasts forever. So when the season arrived, we are prepared for it to the best of our ability and even if we are not prepared for it, go with it and move on. You can handle it. And remember,
لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا
Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. [Qur'an, Al-Baqarah 2:286]
There are some challenges but we don’t want to remain stuck in the challenges. Instead, we want to focus on the benefits of this season. Yet, no matter what our current challenge is, the place to begin is with Allah. Run to Allah.
At different times every one of us will get stuck. We’ll feel blue, we’ll experience loneliness, we’ll be anxious about the future. It isn’t just being in the empty nest, it’s being in transition. Moving from one season to another is uncomfortable and awkward. In fact, as much as we’d like to think stability is the norm in life, actually we spend more time in transition.
Where do we go in a time of transition? Our inclination can be to run to our husbands, our mothers, even friends. We might try to hold onto our children in an unhealthy way—unhealthy for them and for us. Or, our tendency can be to wallow in our loneliness. While others can be helpful, ultimately it is Allah alone who will offer comfort and help us move forward.
Acknowledge your grief. It doesn't matter what other people think or say about getting on with it. Unacknowledged grief will gnaw away at you if you don't face it and let yourself be upset for a time. Allow the grief to work through your system.
You'll feel a sense of loneliness and emptiness when they're gone because you can't just turn around and tell them the things as you always used to do. Keeping up constant communications is vital for maintaining a sense of family togetherness and to keep up with the news.
Focus on some of the positive points of your kids moving out. Focusing on some of the positive changes resulting from your children moving out can ease the sense of loss considerably when you weigh up what you've gained. While this doesn't belittle the importance of your sadness and the big transition you and your children are going through, it does help you to try to see the brighter side of your future.
Start looking to your own needs. Once you're satisfied that you've set your child on the right path, the busyness will wear off and you'll start noticing the big change in your life. The way in which you choose to perceive this change will color your feelings and approach to it – if you see it as a gaping hole, you'll feel much more miserable than if you choose to see it as an opportunity to revive some of your own interests and pursuits.
It's pretty common to find mothers put deep female friendships on hold for several years as they focus on their kids. It is now time to move out of that isolation and into community. Even though you might be unusually close to your husband, sometimes he couldn’t really relate to how you are feeling. You need some other women; they would understand. Simply being able to share honestly what is going on in your life and listening to other women can actually helped you feel normal again.
One of the great blessings of the empty nest is that we now have time to hang out with friends. If we are out of practice, it may be awkward at first, but take the plunge. There are rich relationships out there for you inshaa Allah. But choose your friends well. It is extremely important to choose and have good companions. Such a companion will remind you of Allah and help you follow the straight path, the path of those upon whom Allah has bestowed favor, not of those who have evoked His anger or of those who are astray.
Allah calls upon the believer to fear Him and tells us how we can accomplish that--by being with the truthful--those who are true in what they say and what they do.
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ ٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّـهَ وَكُونُوا۟ مَعَ ٱلصَّـٰدِقِينَ ﴿١١٩
O you who believe, fear Allah and be with those who are true (in words and deeds).
[Qur'an At-Tawba 9:119]
The formula is simple. If your friends are of the righteous, they will pull you towards what is good and encourage you to do what is pleasing to Allah, that which will take you to Paradise, by the Mercy of Allah. If your friends are of those who are heedless of Allah, they will pull you towards what is bad and encourage you to do what is pleasing to Shaytan, that which can lead you to the Hellfire.
"Do not keep company except with a believer, and do not feed except a person who has taqwa (fear of Allah)." [Abu Dawood, Tirmidhi]
May Allah grant us and our children great openings. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Can Women Wear Makeup and Perfume?
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
There are many reasons women don't need makeup. Well, contrary to popular belief, life as you know it will not end if you skip makeup and opt for a fresh face.
But cosmetics, they have become the need of society. People spend monthly on these and the amount of variety is so high that cosmetics are available for different seasons and climates as well. The makers claim to have their own RnD and make one of the finest products for us. We all know that it is very difficult these days for someone to just make a product beneficial for its customers; he ought to make a huge profit out of it. Quality is compromised most of the times and generally a common man is unable to raise the voice or submit complain on which action would be taken. Many times it happens that the ingredients mentioned are not true and that affects us. So there is an ugly side to these beauty products as well.
As Muslims we save ourselves all those troubles by simply following the guidance and teachings from the Qur'an and Sunnah.
Wearing kohl is one of the sunnahs of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace). It is allowed for both males and females. Unless you will bring undue attention to yourself, it is permissible for you to wear kohl.
Makeup is different: It is not permissible for a woman to wear makeup in front of non-mahram men, because she is commanded to cover her face in front of them and because wearing makeup is an adornment that leads to fitnah. She will have the burden of sin for tabarruj (wanton display).
It says in Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah (17/128): Using kohl is allowed in Islam, but it is not permissible for a woman to show any of her adornment, whether kohl or anything else, to anyone other than her husband or mahrams, because Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what must ordinarily appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands’ fathers, their sons, their husbands’ sons, their brothers, or their brothers’ sons or their sisters’ sons, or their women or the servants whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex, and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O you Believers, turn you all together towards Allah, that you may attain Bliss”. (Qur’an, An-Noor 24:31).
Scholars have interpreted the directive to not display beauty and ornaments except what ordinarily appears in terms of ordinary adornment and extra adornment. Ordinary adornments like kohl, henna, or a ring are permissible to wear in public. Extra adornment, like perfume, lipstick, dazzling eye colors, and the like are not permissible to wear in public. In short, any type of adornment which makes a woman look “made-up” and attracts amorous attention is not permissible, as this would defeat the whole purpose of hijab.
It is also not permitted for women to go out wearing perfume because the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) firmly forbade it in rigorously authenticated hadiths.
Deodorant and creams that have a light scent – such that it is not obviously discernible to others unless they get really close – are permitted; however, women should avoid heavily scented personal care products.
In this age of fitnah and provocation, immorality, liberalism and confusion, may Allah reward those women who are part of the 'shajaratul taiba' (the goodly tree), who have made the commitment to keep their hijaab, niqaabs and to keep themselves pure, to fulfill their obligation to worship Allah, to study the Qur'an, to follow the sunnahs of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace), to face their non practicing families, to stay quietly in the houses and rehearse from the verses of Allah and the guidance of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace), to raise and impart to their children the adab of Islam and to engage as much as they can in remembrance of Allah and tazkiyah and purging the fitnah of Dajjal and immorality. They are the goodly tree that bear the goodly fruits as mentioned in the Qur'an.
May Allah make us and our sons and daughters that goodly tree that bear goodly fruits. Ameen.
And Allah knows best.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
Wassalaam
Related Archives
Reference:
Seekershub
Islamqa
Niqaab: To Wear or Not to Wear?
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
There are many reasons women don't need makeup. Well, contrary to popular belief, life as you know it will not end if you skip makeup and opt for a fresh face.
But cosmetics, they have become the need of society. People spend monthly on these and the amount of variety is so high that cosmetics are available for different seasons and climates as well. The makers claim to have their own RnD and make one of the finest products for us. We all know that it is very difficult these days for someone to just make a product beneficial for its customers; he ought to make a huge profit out of it. Quality is compromised most of the times and generally a common man is unable to raise the voice or submit complain on which action would be taken. Many times it happens that the ingredients mentioned are not true and that affects us. So there is an ugly side to these beauty products as well.
As Muslims we save ourselves all those troubles by simply following the guidance and teachings from the Qur'an and Sunnah.
Wearing kohl is one of the sunnahs of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace). It is allowed for both males and females. Unless you will bring undue attention to yourself, it is permissible for you to wear kohl.
Makeup is different: It is not permissible for a woman to wear makeup in front of non-mahram men, because she is commanded to cover her face in front of them and because wearing makeup is an adornment that leads to fitnah. She will have the burden of sin for tabarruj (wanton display).
It says in Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah (17/128): Using kohl is allowed in Islam, but it is not permissible for a woman to show any of her adornment, whether kohl or anything else, to anyone other than her husband or mahrams, because Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what must ordinarily appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands’ fathers, their sons, their husbands’ sons, their brothers, or their brothers’ sons or their sisters’ sons, or their women or the servants whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex, and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O you Believers, turn you all together towards Allah, that you may attain Bliss”. (Qur’an, An-Noor 24:31).
Scholars have interpreted the directive to not display beauty and ornaments except what ordinarily appears in terms of ordinary adornment and extra adornment. Ordinary adornments like kohl, henna, or a ring are permissible to wear in public. Extra adornment, like perfume, lipstick, dazzling eye colors, and the like are not permissible to wear in public. In short, any type of adornment which makes a woman look “made-up” and attracts amorous attention is not permissible, as this would defeat the whole purpose of hijab.
It is also not permitted for women to go out wearing perfume because the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) firmly forbade it in rigorously authenticated hadiths.
Deodorant and creams that have a light scent – such that it is not obviously discernible to others unless they get really close – are permitted; however, women should avoid heavily scented personal care products.
In this age of fitnah and provocation, immorality, liberalism and confusion, may Allah reward those women who are part of the 'shajaratul taiba' (the goodly tree), who have made the commitment to keep their hijaab, niqaabs and to keep themselves pure, to fulfill their obligation to worship Allah, to study the Qur'an, to follow the sunnahs of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace), to face their non practicing families, to stay quietly in the houses and rehearse from the verses of Allah and the guidance of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace), to raise and impart to their children the adab of Islam and to engage as much as they can in remembrance of Allah and tazkiyah and purging the fitnah of Dajjal and immorality. They are the goodly tree that bear the goodly fruits as mentioned in the Qur'an.
May Allah make us and our sons and daughters that goodly tree that bear goodly fruits. Ameen.
And Allah knows best.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
Wassalaam
Related Archives
Reference:
Seekershub
Islamqa
Niqaab: To Wear or Not to Wear?
Friday, November 20, 2015
Let's Read Surah Kahf Today (Friday) -- Go Easy in Life with Reliance on Allah
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Wishing you and your family a blessed Jumu'ah.
One important life lesson we learn from the story of the man with the two gardens narrated to us in the Surah Kahf is to have complete reliance on Allah and who cares what others have and don't show off.
إِن تَرَنِ أَنَا۠ أَقَلَّ مِنكَ مَالًا وَوَلَدًا ﴿٣٩...
فَعَسَىٰ رَبِّىٓ أَن يُؤْتِيَنِ خَيْرًۭا مِّن جَنَّتِكَ وَيُرْسِلَ عَلَيْهَا حُسْبَانًا مِّنَ ٱلسَّمَآءِ فَتُصْبِحَ صَعِيدًا زَلَقًا ﴿٤٠
أَوْ يُصْبِحَ مَآؤُهَا غَوْرًۭا فَلَن تَسْتَطِيعَ لَهُۥ طَلَبًا ﴿٤١
وَأُحِيطَ بِثَمَرِهِۦ فَأَصْبَحَ يُقَلِّبُ كَفَّيْهِ عَلَىٰ مَآ أَنفَقَ فِيهَا وَهِىَ خَاوِيَةٌ عَلَىٰ عُرُوشِهَا وَيَقُولُ يَـٰلَيْتَنِى لَمْ أُشْرِكْ بِرَبِّىٓ أَحَدًا ﴿٤٢
...Although you see me less than you in wealth and children, (39) It may be that my Lord will give me [something] better than your garden and will send upon it a calamity from the sky, and it will become a smooth, dusty ground, (40) Or its water will become sunken [into the earth], so you would never be able to seek it." (41) And his fruits were encompassed [by ruin], so he began to turn his hands about [in dismay] over what he had spent on it, while it had collapsed upon its trellises, and said, "Oh, I wish I had not associated with my Lord anyone." (42) [Qur'an, Al-Kahf 18:39-42]
وَلَمْ تَكُن لَّهُۥ فِئَةٌ يَنصُرُونَهُۥ مِن دُونِ ٱللَّهِ وَمَا كَانَ مُنتَصِرًا ﴿٤٣
And there was for him no company to aid him other than Allah, nor could he defend himself. (43)[Qur'an, Al-Kahf 18:43]
Go easy in life.
Allah Almighty says,
إِن يَنصُرْكُمُ ٱللَّهُ فَلَا غَالِبَ لَكُمْ ۖ وَإِن يَخْذُلْكُمْ فَمَن ذَا ٱلَّذِى يَنصُرُكُم مِّنۢ بَعْدِهِۦ ۗ وَعَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكَّلِ ٱلْمُؤْمِنُونَ ﴿١٦٠
If Allah should aid you, no one can overcome you; but if He should forsake you, who is there that can aid you after Him? And upon Allah let the believers rely. (160) [Qur'an, AleImran 3:160]
قُل لَّن يُصِيبَنَآ إِلَّا مَا كَتَبَ ٱللَّهُ لَنَا هُوَ مَوْلَىٰنَا ۚ وَعَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكَّلِ ٱلْمُؤْمِنُونَ ﴿٥١
Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us: He is our protector: and on Allah let the Believers put their trust. [Qur'an, At-Tawba 9:51]
إِنَّ رَبَّكُمُ ٱللَّهُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْضَ فِى سِتَّةِ أَيَّامٍ ثُمَّ ٱسْتَوَىٰ عَلَى ٱلْعَرْشِ ۖ يُدَبِّرُ ٱلْأَمْرَ ۖ مَا مِن شَفِيعٍ إِلَّا مِنۢ بَعْدِ إِذْنِهِۦ ۚ ذَٰلِكُمُ ٱللَّهُ رَبُّكُمْ فَٱعْبُدُوهُ ۚ أَفَلَا تَذَكَّرُونَ ﴿٣
Indeed, your Lord is Allah, who created the heavens and the earth in six days and then established Himself above the Throne, arranging the matter [of His creation]. There is no intercessor except after His permission. That is Allah, your Lord, so worship Him. Then will you not remember? (3) [Qur'an, Yunus 10:3]
وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ ۚ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُۥٓ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ بَـٰلِغُ أَمْرِهِۦ ۚ قَدْ جَعَلَ ٱللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَىْءٍ قَدْرًۭا ﴿٣
And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent. (3) [Qur'an, At-Talaq 65:3]
Every day we encounter different situations. At one point in our lives we want good grades in high school, then we want to graduate from college, while later in our lives we want job promotions or relationships patched up. For everything we do and want to accomplish, we rely on sources.
Some people rely on themselves while others rely on people and material things like money. But the questions we need to ask ourselves are:
Are these things and people fulfilling for us?
Are these material things enough to get done what we want to do?
Reflecting deeply on our lives we can see that these things and people on whom we rely are not sufficient. You may get a job from a reference or your money may help you to buy a new house or whatever you want, but who gave you money or job? The reality is that Allah make these things and people as a mean to help us. In the end, it is not people or things that help us or provide for us. Indeed, it is our Creator that is providing for us.
Everyday we hear Allahu Akbar (Allah is greater), but do we really think great of Allah and do we put all our trust in Him? Mostly we don’t.
We need to redirect our focus. Instead of relying on our own self and other things, we should rely for our needs and wants on Allah. It means that we must put our maximum efforts into doing things with the belief that Allah will pave the best way for us.
You should search for different job posts, believing in your heart that Allah will take you to the right place. For attaining good grades in school or college, you must study hard with complete trust on Allah. If you want to get married, put your trust in Allah that He is the best planner. For any wish you have, you must depend on the ultimate One.
By relying on Allah is like leaving your burdens to someone who can carry them easily. As a weak human being you cannot carry your burdens on your own. Reliance on Allah will ease your nerves and help you to get through life challenges.
فَقَالُوا۟ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ تَوَكَّلْنَا رَبَّنَا لَا تَجْعَلْنَا فِتْنَةً لِّلْقَوْمِ ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ ﴿٨٥﴾ وَنَجِّنَا بِرَحْمَتِكَ مِنَ ٱلْقَوْمِ ٱلْكَـٰفِرِينَ ﴿٨٦
So they said, "Upon Allah do we rely. Our Lord, make us not [objects of] trial for the wrongdoing people (85) And save us by Your mercy from the disbelieving people." (86) [Qur'an, Yunus 10:85-86]
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah alone grant success and Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Wishing you and your family a blessed Jumu'ah.
One important life lesson we learn from the story of the man with the two gardens narrated to us in the Surah Kahf is to have complete reliance on Allah and who cares what others have and don't show off.
إِن تَرَنِ أَنَا۠ أَقَلَّ مِنكَ مَالًا وَوَلَدًا ﴿٣٩...
فَعَسَىٰ رَبِّىٓ أَن يُؤْتِيَنِ خَيْرًۭا مِّن جَنَّتِكَ وَيُرْسِلَ عَلَيْهَا حُسْبَانًا مِّنَ ٱلسَّمَآءِ فَتُصْبِحَ صَعِيدًا زَلَقًا ﴿٤٠
أَوْ يُصْبِحَ مَآؤُهَا غَوْرًۭا فَلَن تَسْتَطِيعَ لَهُۥ طَلَبًا ﴿٤١
وَأُحِيطَ بِثَمَرِهِۦ فَأَصْبَحَ يُقَلِّبُ كَفَّيْهِ عَلَىٰ مَآ أَنفَقَ فِيهَا وَهِىَ خَاوِيَةٌ عَلَىٰ عُرُوشِهَا وَيَقُولُ يَـٰلَيْتَنِى لَمْ أُشْرِكْ بِرَبِّىٓ أَحَدًا ﴿٤٢
...Although you see me less than you in wealth and children, (39) It may be that my Lord will give me [something] better than your garden and will send upon it a calamity from the sky, and it will become a smooth, dusty ground, (40) Or its water will become sunken [into the earth], so you would never be able to seek it." (41) And his fruits were encompassed [by ruin], so he began to turn his hands about [in dismay] over what he had spent on it, while it had collapsed upon its trellises, and said, "Oh, I wish I had not associated with my Lord anyone." (42) [Qur'an, Al-Kahf 18:39-42]
وَلَمْ تَكُن لَّهُۥ فِئَةٌ يَنصُرُونَهُۥ مِن دُونِ ٱللَّهِ وَمَا كَانَ مُنتَصِرًا ﴿٤٣
And there was for him no company to aid him other than Allah, nor could he defend himself. (43)[Qur'an, Al-Kahf 18:43]
Go easy in life.
Allah Almighty says,
إِن يَنصُرْكُمُ ٱللَّهُ فَلَا غَالِبَ لَكُمْ ۖ وَإِن يَخْذُلْكُمْ فَمَن ذَا ٱلَّذِى يَنصُرُكُم مِّنۢ بَعْدِهِۦ ۗ وَعَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكَّلِ ٱلْمُؤْمِنُونَ ﴿١٦٠
If Allah should aid you, no one can overcome you; but if He should forsake you, who is there that can aid you after Him? And upon Allah let the believers rely. (160) [Qur'an, AleImran 3:160]
قُل لَّن يُصِيبَنَآ إِلَّا مَا كَتَبَ ٱللَّهُ لَنَا هُوَ مَوْلَىٰنَا ۚ وَعَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكَّلِ ٱلْمُؤْمِنُونَ ﴿٥١
Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us: He is our protector: and on Allah let the Believers put their trust. [Qur'an, At-Tawba 9:51]
إِنَّ رَبَّكُمُ ٱللَّهُ ٱلَّذِى خَلَقَ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْضَ فِى سِتَّةِ أَيَّامٍ ثُمَّ ٱسْتَوَىٰ عَلَى ٱلْعَرْشِ ۖ يُدَبِّرُ ٱلْأَمْرَ ۖ مَا مِن شَفِيعٍ إِلَّا مِنۢ بَعْدِ إِذْنِهِۦ ۚ ذَٰلِكُمُ ٱللَّهُ رَبُّكُمْ فَٱعْبُدُوهُ ۚ أَفَلَا تَذَكَّرُونَ ﴿٣
Indeed, your Lord is Allah, who created the heavens and the earth in six days and then established Himself above the Throne, arranging the matter [of His creation]. There is no intercessor except after His permission. That is Allah, your Lord, so worship Him. Then will you not remember? (3) [Qur'an, Yunus 10:3]
وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ ۚ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُۥٓ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ بَـٰلِغُ أَمْرِهِۦ ۚ قَدْ جَعَلَ ٱللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَىْءٍ قَدْرًۭا ﴿٣
And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent. (3) [Qur'an, At-Talaq 65:3]
Every day we encounter different situations. At one point in our lives we want good grades in high school, then we want to graduate from college, while later in our lives we want job promotions or relationships patched up. For everything we do and want to accomplish, we rely on sources.
Some people rely on themselves while others rely on people and material things like money. But the questions we need to ask ourselves are:
Are these things and people fulfilling for us?
Are these material things enough to get done what we want to do?
Reflecting deeply on our lives we can see that these things and people on whom we rely are not sufficient. You may get a job from a reference or your money may help you to buy a new house or whatever you want, but who gave you money or job? The reality is that Allah make these things and people as a mean to help us. In the end, it is not people or things that help us or provide for us. Indeed, it is our Creator that is providing for us.
Everyday we hear Allahu Akbar (Allah is greater), but do we really think great of Allah and do we put all our trust in Him? Mostly we don’t.
We need to redirect our focus. Instead of relying on our own self and other things, we should rely for our needs and wants on Allah. It means that we must put our maximum efforts into doing things with the belief that Allah will pave the best way for us.
You should search for different job posts, believing in your heart that Allah will take you to the right place. For attaining good grades in school or college, you must study hard with complete trust on Allah. If you want to get married, put your trust in Allah that He is the best planner. For any wish you have, you must depend on the ultimate One.
By relying on Allah is like leaving your burdens to someone who can carry them easily. As a weak human being you cannot carry your burdens on your own. Reliance on Allah will ease your nerves and help you to get through life challenges.
فَقَالُوا۟ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ تَوَكَّلْنَا رَبَّنَا لَا تَجْعَلْنَا فِتْنَةً لِّلْقَوْمِ ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ ﴿٨٥﴾ وَنَجِّنَا بِرَحْمَتِكَ مِنَ ٱلْقَوْمِ ٱلْكَـٰفِرِينَ ﴿٨٦
So they said, "Upon Allah do we rely. Our Lord, make us not [objects of] trial for the wrongdoing people (85) And save us by Your mercy from the disbelieving people." (86) [Qur'an, Yunus 10:85-86]
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah alone grant success and Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
When Returning Greeting of Salaam Not Required
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Ibn ‘Abideen, in his seminal work Radd al Muhtar, mentions many instances where one does not need to return the greeting of salaam, which would normally be obligatory.
In the first place, it is makrooh (disliked but not haram) to give salams to someone who is incapable or too busy to reply. However, if someone does give salams to them, it would not be an obligation to reply to it.
In terms of worldly actions, this includes when one is eating or when one is in the bathroom (I assume during relations with one’s spouse the same would apply then since even speech is disliked). They also mention that it is not obligatory to reply salaam to a beggar since the beggar’s intention is not just to greet you but to ask you for something.
In terms of religious actions, while the person is praying, or reciting Qur’an (or making dhikr and duaa’, though there is some difference of opinion), or reviewing or teaching religious knowledge, or during any khutba (Friday, marriage, Eid, etc.), or if they are giving or hearing the adhan or iqama.
Also, a judge does not give or receive or reply to salaam since his job is to remain neutral and not receive the defendants as visitors. If salaam are given to a group, as long as one person responds, the others don’t have to.
Also, if a non-Muslim gives salaam, one should not respond with the exact response unless there is an overriding interest, or they should suffice by simply replying “And upon you”, (“wa alaikum”, like saying “same to you”, because it isn’t clear what the non-Muslim intends by giving you a religious greeting that is a duaa’, so one simply wishes the same back to them).
The same non-obligation goes for an open sinner who is Muslim and hasn’t stopped publicly doing a wrong thing (not the hidden sinner), though both of these require research and wisdom before applying without proper understanding and consideration of benefits and harms, so it is best to ask a scholar in specific cases for guidance.
A young unrelated woman and a man do not have to reply to the other’s salaam out loud (many scholars say they actually shouldn’t salaam in the first place if they are only addressing each other without necessity, as a way to prevent unnecessary interaction).
Other books also mention the lack of obligation to return the salaam of an insane person, a drunkard or non-discerning child, all of whom may not know or intend what they are saying.
Giving the salaam greeting is not like saying an empty “hello” or “how ya’ doin’?” It is a sincere prayer with a significant meaning that is an act of worship, rewarded for in the Hereafter to both the greeter and responder, and a mark of faith, brotherhood and social cohesion. This is why the scholars treated it so seriously, and had to list exceptions when it wasn’t an obligation to respond.
And Allah knows best.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
Wassalaam
Source: Seekershub
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Ibn ‘Abideen, in his seminal work Radd al Muhtar, mentions many instances where one does not need to return the greeting of salaam, which would normally be obligatory.
In the first place, it is makrooh (disliked but not haram) to give salams to someone who is incapable or too busy to reply. However, if someone does give salams to them, it would not be an obligation to reply to it.
In terms of worldly actions, this includes when one is eating or when one is in the bathroom (I assume during relations with one’s spouse the same would apply then since even speech is disliked). They also mention that it is not obligatory to reply salaam to a beggar since the beggar’s intention is not just to greet you but to ask you for something.
In terms of religious actions, while the person is praying, or reciting Qur’an (or making dhikr and duaa’, though there is some difference of opinion), or reviewing or teaching religious knowledge, or during any khutba (Friday, marriage, Eid, etc.), or if they are giving or hearing the adhan or iqama.
Also, a judge does not give or receive or reply to salaam since his job is to remain neutral and not receive the defendants as visitors. If salaam are given to a group, as long as one person responds, the others don’t have to.
Also, if a non-Muslim gives salaam, one should not respond with the exact response unless there is an overriding interest, or they should suffice by simply replying “And upon you”, (“wa alaikum”, like saying “same to you”, because it isn’t clear what the non-Muslim intends by giving you a religious greeting that is a duaa’, so one simply wishes the same back to them).
The same non-obligation goes for an open sinner who is Muslim and hasn’t stopped publicly doing a wrong thing (not the hidden sinner), though both of these require research and wisdom before applying without proper understanding and consideration of benefits and harms, so it is best to ask a scholar in specific cases for guidance.
A young unrelated woman and a man do not have to reply to the other’s salaam out loud (many scholars say they actually shouldn’t salaam in the first place if they are only addressing each other without necessity, as a way to prevent unnecessary interaction).
Other books also mention the lack of obligation to return the salaam of an insane person, a drunkard or non-discerning child, all of whom may not know or intend what they are saying.
Giving the salaam greeting is not like saying an empty “hello” or “how ya’ doin’?” It is a sincere prayer with a significant meaning that is an act of worship, rewarded for in the Hereafter to both the greeter and responder, and a mark of faith, brotherhood and social cohesion. This is why the scholars treated it so seriously, and had to list exceptions when it wasn’t an obligation to respond.
And Allah knows best.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
Wassalaam
Source: Seekershub
Loving the Sunnah: Repeat the Salaam After Each Separation
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Giving the greeting (salaam) is a sunna. [Nahlawi, al-Durar al-Mubaha fi al-Hadhr wa’l Ibaha]
`Abdullah ibn `Amr ibn al-`As reported that a man asked the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), “Which aspect of Islam is best?” He said, “Feeding people and greeting those you know and those you do not know.” [Bukhari; Muslim]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: ‘Whoever meets his brother, let him greet him with the salaam. If a tree or a wall comes between them, then he meets him again, let him greet with him the salaam.’ [Bukhari, “al-Adab al-mufrad” 1010]
When you meet a Muslim, you should greet him or her with the salaam before saying anything else. Then, if you become separated briefly, or an object, such as a tree, car, or column comes between the two of you, you should repeat the salaam once you are reunited. The same goes for leaving a gathering and returning shortly afterwards.
One day the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) instructed a man to pray again as he had not prayed properly, so the man left the group to pray close by, then returned and gave salaam again.
Teach this forgotten sunnah habit to the children and model it for others by doing it yourself.
How to Give the Salaam?
One optimally gives the greeting (salaam) with the complete form: ‘Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah and His blessings’ (Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh). And one optimally returns the greeting (salam) with the complete form, too: ‘And upon you be peace and the mercy of Allah and His blessings’ (Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh)
`Imran ibn al-Husayn said, “A man came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), and said, ‘Peace be upon you.’ He responded to him and then the man sat down. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, ‘Ten.’ Then another man came and said, ‘Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah,’ and he responded to him and the man sat down. He said, ‘Twenty.’ Then yet another man came and said, ‘Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah and His blessings,’ and he responded to him and that man sat down. He said, ‘Thirty.'” [Abu Dawud; al-Tirmidhi]
Responding to a Salaam
It is necessary (wajib) to respond, if alone and a communal obligation (fard kifaya) to respond, if given to a group.
The reason why it is necessary to respond is because the greeting (salaam) means peace, safety. Hence if a person gives the greeting and one does not respond, the person may feel uneasy and wrongfully suspect something, consequently, it is obligatory to do away with such potential suspicion. [Khadimi, al-Bariqa al-Mahmudiyya Sharh al-Tariqa al-Muhammadiyya]
Moreover, it is necessary (wajib) to respond aloud such that the other person hears the response. If this is not done, it is as if one did not in fact respond.
It is also an immediate duty to respond to the greeting (salaam) and prohibitively disliked (makruh tahriman) to delay it without an excuse.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best and He alone gives success.
Wassalaam
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Giving the greeting (salaam) is a sunna. [Nahlawi, al-Durar al-Mubaha fi al-Hadhr wa’l Ibaha]
`Abdullah ibn `Amr ibn al-`As reported that a man asked the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), “Which aspect of Islam is best?” He said, “Feeding people and greeting those you know and those you do not know.” [Bukhari; Muslim]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: ‘Whoever meets his brother, let him greet him with the salaam. If a tree or a wall comes between them, then he meets him again, let him greet with him the salaam.’ [Bukhari, “al-Adab al-mufrad” 1010]
When you meet a Muslim, you should greet him or her with the salaam before saying anything else. Then, if you become separated briefly, or an object, such as a tree, car, or column comes between the two of you, you should repeat the salaam once you are reunited. The same goes for leaving a gathering and returning shortly afterwards.
One day the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) instructed a man to pray again as he had not prayed properly, so the man left the group to pray close by, then returned and gave salaam again.
Teach this forgotten sunnah habit to the children and model it for others by doing it yourself.
How to Give the Salaam?
One optimally gives the greeting (salaam) with the complete form: ‘Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah and His blessings’ (Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh). And one optimally returns the greeting (salam) with the complete form, too: ‘And upon you be peace and the mercy of Allah and His blessings’ (Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh)
`Imran ibn al-Husayn said, “A man came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), and said, ‘Peace be upon you.’ He responded to him and then the man sat down. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, ‘Ten.’ Then another man came and said, ‘Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah,’ and he responded to him and the man sat down. He said, ‘Twenty.’ Then yet another man came and said, ‘Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allah and His blessings,’ and he responded to him and that man sat down. He said, ‘Thirty.'” [Abu Dawud; al-Tirmidhi]
Responding to a Salaam
It is necessary (wajib) to respond, if alone and a communal obligation (fard kifaya) to respond, if given to a group.
The reason why it is necessary to respond is because the greeting (salaam) means peace, safety. Hence if a person gives the greeting and one does not respond, the person may feel uneasy and wrongfully suspect something, consequently, it is obligatory to do away with such potential suspicion. [Khadimi, al-Bariqa al-Mahmudiyya Sharh al-Tariqa al-Muhammadiyya]
Moreover, it is necessary (wajib) to respond aloud such that the other person hears the response. If this is not done, it is as if one did not in fact respond.
It is also an immediate duty to respond to the greeting (salaam) and prohibitively disliked (makruh tahriman) to delay it without an excuse.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best and He alone gives success.
Wassalaam
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Antidote for Human's Loss
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
The natural state of humanity is loss. Allah states in the Qur'an,
One deep teaching of this short Surah is that learning is important. It's so important. It's a matter of life and death. Learning is what makes the difference between winning and losing -- that is, between the way of life and the way of death.
In this Surah, we learn which members of the human race aren't counted among the losers:
Those who have believed
Those who do good (righteous) deeds
Those who advise each other to Truth
Those who advise each other to patience
The message is clear: without these four things, we lose out on the huge blessings that await us, both in the world and in the next world beginning with our death.
But not one of these things can be acquired passively. They must all be pursued through active lifelong learning.
You can’t believe in something that you haven’t heard, read, studied, or been taught. True belief isn’t simply saying "I believe" and leaving it at that. Belief must be entered into thoughtfully, honestly, with a desire to learn more and a willingness to submit to the discipline of study.
You can’t really do good deeds unless you know what good deeds are. For this you need to study the rule book, both to learn what Allah wants of you and to read about righteous people after whom you should be modeling yourself.
Advising others to Truth is the very essence of education. By passing on Truth and refusing to accept falsehood we’re fulfilling the mandate prescribed us in every cycle of our prayers:
We evoke the anger of Allah when we deceive ourselves (through deliberate disbelief) and when we go astray (by allowing ourselves to be deceived).
The way to win His favor is to guard the Truth and encourage each other to do the same. It's not easy but with Allah's help, nothing is difficult. We have to be patient. We need to remember that without both Truth and patience we are at a loss.
There is no doubt that mankind is in loss. But don't despair. There is an antidote for it which is within our reach — lifelong learning. Seeking the path of knowledge is relatively pleasant, brings huge blessings, and has a very happy ending.
Let us remember this, "Verily Allah says: O son of Adam, free yourself for my worship, I will (in turn) fill your chest with satisfaction and remove your poverty, and if you don't I will fill your hands with distraction and will not remove your poverty." [Ahmad, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah, Ibn Hibban and others]. In another narration, "I will fill your chest with distraction." [Ibn Majah]
In other words, if you don't keep yourself busy with Allah, Allah will keep yourself busy with others (and other things). Indeed, those are the utter losers. May Allah protect us.
May Allah keep us rightly guided and grant us great openings. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah alone grant success.
Wassalaam
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
The natural state of humanity is loss. Allah states in the Qur'an,
وَٱلْعَصْرِ ﴿١﴾ إِنَّ ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ لَفِى خُسْرٍ ﴿٢﴾ إِلَّا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا۟ بِٱلْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا۟ بِٱلصَّبْرِ ﴿٣[Qur'an, Al-'Asr 103]
By time, (1) Indeed, mankind is in loss, (2) Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience. (3)
One deep teaching of this short Surah is that learning is important. It's so important. It's a matter of life and death. Learning is what makes the difference between winning and losing -- that is, between the way of life and the way of death.
In this Surah, we learn which members of the human race aren't counted among the losers:
Those who have believed
Those who do good (righteous) deeds
Those who advise each other to Truth
Those who advise each other to patience
The message is clear: without these four things, we lose out on the huge blessings that await us, both in the world and in the next world beginning with our death.
But not one of these things can be acquired passively. They must all be pursued through active lifelong learning.
You can’t believe in something that you haven’t heard, read, studied, or been taught. True belief isn’t simply saying "I believe" and leaving it at that. Belief must be entered into thoughtfully, honestly, with a desire to learn more and a willingness to submit to the discipline of study.
You can’t really do good deeds unless you know what good deeds are. For this you need to study the rule book, both to learn what Allah wants of you and to read about righteous people after whom you should be modeling yourself.
Advising others to Truth is the very essence of education. By passing on Truth and refusing to accept falsehood we’re fulfilling the mandate prescribed us in every cycle of our prayers:
ٱهْدِنَا ٱلصِّرَٰطَ ٱلْمُسْتَقِيمَ ﴿٦﴾ صِرَٰطَ ٱلَّذِينَ أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيْهِمْ غَيْرِ ٱلْمَغْضُوبِ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلَا ٱلضَّآلِّينَ ﴿٧[Qur'an, al-Fatihah 1:6-7]
Guide us to the straight path - (6) The path of those upon whom You have bestowed favor, not of those who have evoked [Your] anger or of those who are astray. (7)
We evoke the anger of Allah when we deceive ourselves (through deliberate disbelief) and when we go astray (by allowing ourselves to be deceived).
The way to win His favor is to guard the Truth and encourage each other to do the same. It's not easy but with Allah's help, nothing is difficult. We have to be patient. We need to remember that without both Truth and patience we are at a loss.
There is no doubt that mankind is in loss. But don't despair. There is an antidote for it which is within our reach — lifelong learning. Seeking the path of knowledge is relatively pleasant, brings huge blessings, and has a very happy ending.
Let us remember this, "Verily Allah says: O son of Adam, free yourself for my worship, I will (in turn) fill your chest with satisfaction and remove your poverty, and if you don't I will fill your hands with distraction and will not remove your poverty." [Ahmad, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah, Ibn Hibban and others]. In another narration, "I will fill your chest with distraction." [Ibn Majah]
In other words, if you don't keep yourself busy with Allah, Allah will keep yourself busy with others (and other things). Indeed, those are the utter losers. May Allah protect us.
May Allah keep us rightly guided and grant us great openings. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah alone grant success.
Wassalaam
Monday, November 16, 2015
Raising Children To Know Allah
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
We tell our children not to waste their time. But do they really understand what not wasting time means. They don't. A lot of adults don't. If they do, we would be another best generation. We wouldn't see people having TV on 24 hours a day, whatsapping endlessly, surfing the internet aimlessly, listening to music, passing time on social media, watching ballgame, or window shopping. Instead, they would be earning a living and if they are not doing that, they would be gathering good deeds.
Most of us have curiosities. These curiosities and our desires dictate our moves. That is why you see many children (even adults) on the internet, smartphones or TV for most of their awake time! For someone who is with Allah, his move is dictated by what Allah wants him to do at that moment, not a desire to fulfill a curiosity. Even if it is nothing unlawful, he would do no less than the optimal thing that he can do for Allah at that moment.
You want to raise your children so they know Allah. Because when they know Allah, they will love Allah, and when they love Allah, they will do what Allah wants them to do and it will be easy for them to do what Allah wants them to do. Your sons and daughters who know Allah, will love Allah and will love to do certain things that some youth might find difficult to do. For example putting on the hijaab or niqaab and lowering their gazes simply to please the One they love.
No doubt, it is a huge challenge to raise children in this high technological era, but you have to be strong and you have to start somewhere. That somewhere starts at removing them from these modern addictions (of course you have to use good wisdom to be effective) and you have to keep trying. If you fail the first time, the second time, the third time, keep trying. Sometimes you can be alone on this. Make du'a. Allah listens.
Their hearts need to be emptied of the images of created things for the knowledge of Allah to enter into their hearts. Knowledge of Allah is valuable and anything of value requires big payment, big sacrifices and hard work.
Teach your children this hadith.
The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said: "Take advantage of five matters before five matters--you youth before you before old; and your health before you fall sick; and your riches before you become poor; your free time before you become busy; and your life before your death."
BTW, when you tell your children not to waste their time and read Qur'an instead, it might help them to understand you and your dilemma by asking them, "Would you like to have parents who waste their time on the internet, smartphones, TV, or playing computer games?" You will be amazed by their looks and their answers.
May Allah help us raise our children to be His obedient slaves. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah alone grant success.
Wassalaam
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
We tell our children not to waste their time. But do they really understand what not wasting time means. They don't. A lot of adults don't. If they do, we would be another best generation. We wouldn't see people having TV on 24 hours a day, whatsapping endlessly, surfing the internet aimlessly, listening to music, passing time on social media, watching ballgame, or window shopping. Instead, they would be earning a living and if they are not doing that, they would be gathering good deeds.
Most of us have curiosities. These curiosities and our desires dictate our moves. That is why you see many children (even adults) on the internet, smartphones or TV for most of their awake time! For someone who is with Allah, his move is dictated by what Allah wants him to do at that moment, not a desire to fulfill a curiosity. Even if it is nothing unlawful, he would do no less than the optimal thing that he can do for Allah at that moment.
You want to raise your children so they know Allah. Because when they know Allah, they will love Allah, and when they love Allah, they will do what Allah wants them to do and it will be easy for them to do what Allah wants them to do. Your sons and daughters who know Allah, will love Allah and will love to do certain things that some youth might find difficult to do. For example putting on the hijaab or niqaab and lowering their gazes simply to please the One they love.
No doubt, it is a huge challenge to raise children in this high technological era, but you have to be strong and you have to start somewhere. That somewhere starts at removing them from these modern addictions (of course you have to use good wisdom to be effective) and you have to keep trying. If you fail the first time, the second time, the third time, keep trying. Sometimes you can be alone on this. Make du'a. Allah listens.
Their hearts need to be emptied of the images of created things for the knowledge of Allah to enter into their hearts. Knowledge of Allah is valuable and anything of value requires big payment, big sacrifices and hard work.
Teach your children this hadith.
The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said: "Take advantage of five matters before five matters--you youth before you before old; and your health before you fall sick; and your riches before you become poor; your free time before you become busy; and your life before your death."
BTW, when you tell your children not to waste their time and read Qur'an instead, it might help them to understand you and your dilemma by asking them, "Would you like to have parents who waste their time on the internet, smartphones, TV, or playing computer games?" You will be amazed by their looks and their answers.
May Allah help us raise our children to be His obedient slaves. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah alone grant success.
Wassalaam
Friday, November 13, 2015
Let's Read Surah Kahf Today (Friday) -- Souls Feel Affinity
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Affinity is defined as a spontaneous or natural liking or sympathy for someone or something. Souls feel affinity with others according to the nature in which they were created.
'Although they are all souls, they differ in different ways, so a person will feel an affinity with souls of one kind, and will get along with them because of the special quality that they have in common.' [Qurtubi]
Souls are like conscripted soldiers; those whom they recognize, they get along with, and those whom they don't recognize, they will not get along with. [Bukhari]
It may have happened to you -- you like a person at first sight, without even knowing them. This is because the souls have affinity and how strong friendships develop.
When the youth in Surah Kahf went away, disgusted with the pagan festival of their people, and gathered under the shade of a tree, each was trying to conceal his belief from others out of fear.
The first young man who withdrew went far from the crowd and sat down under a tree. After that, came another and he too sat there. Similarly, came the third, and the fourth, and each one of them kept taking a seat under the tree. But, none of them were familiar with each other, nor did they know as to why they had come there. The truth of the matter is that they were brought together on that spot by the Power that lit the light of faith in their hearts. [ibn Kathir]
One of them said, "O people, you know by Allah that only one thing is making you leave your people and isolate yourselves from them, so let each one of you say what it is in his case." Another said, "As for me, by Allah I saw what my people are doing and I realized that it was false, and that the only One Who deserves to be worshiped Alone with out partner or associate is Allah Who created everything, the heavens, the earth and everything in between." Another said, "By Allah, the same thing happened to me." The others said the same, and they all agreed and became brothers in faith. [ibn Kathir]
Allah recorded the youths conversation in Surah Al-Kahf:
It is important to love the righteous and keep company of the righteous. They are means to take you closer to Allah and strengthen your faith, and they can help you overcome your shortcomings.
May Allah grant us righteous companions. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah alone grant success.
Wassalaam
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Affinity is defined as a spontaneous or natural liking or sympathy for someone or something. Souls feel affinity with others according to the nature in which they were created.
'Although they are all souls, they differ in different ways, so a person will feel an affinity with souls of one kind, and will get along with them because of the special quality that they have in common.' [Qurtubi]
Souls are like conscripted soldiers; those whom they recognize, they get along with, and those whom they don't recognize, they will not get along with. [Bukhari]
It may have happened to you -- you like a person at first sight, without even knowing them. This is because the souls have affinity and how strong friendships develop.
When the youth in Surah Kahf went away, disgusted with the pagan festival of their people, and gathered under the shade of a tree, each was trying to conceal his belief from others out of fear.
The first young man who withdrew went far from the crowd and sat down under a tree. After that, came another and he too sat there. Similarly, came the third, and the fourth, and each one of them kept taking a seat under the tree. But, none of them were familiar with each other, nor did they know as to why they had come there. The truth of the matter is that they were brought together on that spot by the Power that lit the light of faith in their hearts. [ibn Kathir]
One of them said, "O people, you know by Allah that only one thing is making you leave your people and isolate yourselves from them, so let each one of you say what it is in his case." Another said, "As for me, by Allah I saw what my people are doing and I realized that it was false, and that the only One Who deserves to be worshiped Alone with out partner or associate is Allah Who created everything, the heavens, the earth and everything in between." Another said, "By Allah, the same thing happened to me." The others said the same, and they all agreed and became brothers in faith. [ibn Kathir]
وَرَبَطْنَا عَلَىٰ قُلُوبِهِمْ إِذْ قَامُوا۟ فَقَالُوا۟ رَبُّنَا رَبُّ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ لَن نَّدْعُوَا۟ مِن دُونِهِۦٓ إِلَـٰهًا ۖ لَّقَدْ قُلْنَآ إِذًا شَطَطًا ﴿١٤[Qur'an Al-Kahf 18:14]
And We made firm their hearts when they stood up and said, "Our Lord is the Lord of the heavens and the earth. Never will we invoke besides Him any deity. We would have certainly spoken, then, an excessive transgression. (14)
Allah recorded the youths conversation in Surah Al-Kahf:
هَـٰؤُلَاءِ قَوْمُنَا اتَّخَذُوا مِن دُونِهِ آلِهَةً ۖ لَّوْلَا يَأْتُونَ عَلَيْهِم بِسُلْطَانٍ بَيِّنٍ ۖ فَمَنْ أَظْلَمُ مِمَّنِ افْتَرَىٰ عَلَى اللَّـهِ كَذِبًا (١٥ ) وَإِذِ اعْتَزَلْتُمُوهُمْ وَمَا يَعْبُدُونَ إِلَّا اللَّـهَ فَأْوُوا إِلَى الْكَهْفِ يَنشُرْ لَكُمْ رَبُّكُم مِّن رَّحْمَتِهِ وَيُهَيِّئْ لَكُم مِّنْ أَمْرِكُم مِّرْفَقًا ﴿١٦[Qur'an Al-Kahf 18:15-16]
These, our people, have taken besides Him deities. Why do they not bring for [worship of] them a clear authority? And who is more unjust than one who invents about Allah a lie?" (15) [The youths said to one another], "And when you have withdrawn from them and that which they worship other than Allah, retreat to the cave. Your Lord will spread out for you of His mercy and will prepare for you from your affair facility." (16)
It is important to love the righteous and keep company of the righteous. They are means to take you closer to Allah and strengthen your faith, and they can help you overcome your shortcomings.
May Allah grant us righteous companions. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah alone grant success.
Wassalaam
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Attaining Spiritual Excellence (Ihsan)
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
The state of spiritual excellence (ihsan) is a gift from Allah, normally granted the one who sincerely and consistently strives to perfect and beautify their faith, submission, worship, conduct, character, and dealings, on the footsteps of the
Beloved Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wassallam).
Spiritual excellence (ihsan) is the result of true sincerity (ikhlas), which is defined as seeking Allah Most High alone in all one’s actions, in the ways most beloved to Him.
The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “Actions are by their intentions,” defining for us that the reality of actions is not in their forms but, rather, in the sincerity of intent underlying them. “And each person shall have whatever they intended,” from which the foremost of his followers realized that the best of what is sought–in every matter–is Allah Himself. This is the essence of the Prophetic concern, and the sum of the Prophet’s way.
Allah Most High tells us,
This is spiritual excellence: seek Allah in all your affairs; take the Messenger (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) as your example in all your affairs; uphold that example in the best and most beautiful of ways; and make much remembrance of Allah.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah alone grant success.
Wassallam
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
The state of spiritual excellence (ihsan) is a gift from Allah, normally granted the one who sincerely and consistently strives to perfect and beautify their faith, submission, worship, conduct, character, and dealings, on the footsteps of the
Beloved Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wassallam).
Spiritual excellence (ihsan) is the result of true sincerity (ikhlas), which is defined as seeking Allah Most High alone in all one’s actions, in the ways most beloved to Him.
The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “Actions are by their intentions,” defining for us that the reality of actions is not in their forms but, rather, in the sincerity of intent underlying them. “And each person shall have whatever they intended,” from which the foremost of his followers realized that the best of what is sought–in every matter–is Allah Himself. This is the essence of the Prophetic concern, and the sum of the Prophet’s way.
Allah Most High tells us,
لَّقَدْ كَانَ لَكُمْ فِى رَسُولِ ٱللَّهِ أُسْوَةٌ حَسَنَةٌ لِّمَن كَانَ يَرْجُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ وَٱلْيَوْمَ ٱلْءَاخِرَ وَذَكَرَ ٱللَّهَ كَثِيرًۭا ﴿٢١[Qur’an, Al-Ahzab 33:21]
Truly you have in the Messenger of Allah the most beautiful of examples, for whoever seeks Allah and the Last Day, and makes much remembrance of Allah.
This is spiritual excellence: seek Allah in all your affairs; take the Messenger (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) as your example in all your affairs; uphold that example in the best and most beautiful of ways; and make much remembrance of Allah.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah alone grant success.
Wassallam
Advice to the Spiritual Wayfarer
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
The Egyptian wayfarer, Sayyid Abu’l-Wafa’ bin Muhammad `Isa al-Wafa’i, requested that Imam al-Haddad make a special pact of brotherhood with him and initiate him on the spiritual path. Imam al-Haddad agreed to this and then gave him a series of counsels. He begins by mentioning taqwa and other obligations and finishes with the counsels mentioned below. He gives the advice to himself first, then to Sayyid Abu’l-Wafa’ and then to any true seeker or spiritual wayfarer.
I counsel myself and him to have sincerity (ikhlas) in all his states, deeds and words; to trust fully in Allah, to surrender his affair to Allah, to rely upon Allah and to (constantly) return to Allah.
I counsel him not to be attached to this worldly life (dunya) and to be content with a small amount of worldly things – food, clothing, accommodation and other things. Let his state be that of a serious traveler on a long journey. Let him only take what provision he needs to reach his destination. Let him not be attached to anything more than that and let him not seek or strive to attain that. His seeking and striving should be for his hereafter for this is the true homeland and place of eternal rest.
I counsel myself and I counsel him to humble himself to Allah and to show humility to Allah’s believing slaves. His heart must be free and pure from envy, rancor or hatred towards any Muslim. He must love for the Muslims what he loves for himself and dislike for them what he dislikes for himself. He must show them good character and patiently bear any harm which comes from them. In fact he must go further and pardon them if they harm or wrong him and pray for them. By doing this great people became great people and reached the stations of perfection.
He must completely avoid anger, for there is no good in it. In fact it is completely evil, unless it is anger for the sake of Allah, such as when things which Allah has made sacrosanct are violated or when Allah’s obligations are ignored. People should become angry in these situations provided the situation demands this.
Imam al-Haddad finished dictating these counsels on 4th Jumada al-Ula, 1107 Hijri.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
Source: Seekershub
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
The Egyptian wayfarer, Sayyid Abu’l-Wafa’ bin Muhammad `Isa al-Wafa’i, requested that Imam al-Haddad make a special pact of brotherhood with him and initiate him on the spiritual path. Imam al-Haddad agreed to this and then gave him a series of counsels. He begins by mentioning taqwa and other obligations and finishes with the counsels mentioned below. He gives the advice to himself first, then to Sayyid Abu’l-Wafa’ and then to any true seeker or spiritual wayfarer.
I counsel myself and him to have sincerity (ikhlas) in all his states, deeds and words; to trust fully in Allah, to surrender his affair to Allah, to rely upon Allah and to (constantly) return to Allah.
I counsel him not to be attached to this worldly life (dunya) and to be content with a small amount of worldly things – food, clothing, accommodation and other things. Let his state be that of a serious traveler on a long journey. Let him only take what provision he needs to reach his destination. Let him not be attached to anything more than that and let him not seek or strive to attain that. His seeking and striving should be for his hereafter for this is the true homeland and place of eternal rest.
I counsel myself and I counsel him to humble himself to Allah and to show humility to Allah’s believing slaves. His heart must be free and pure from envy, rancor or hatred towards any Muslim. He must love for the Muslims what he loves for himself and dislike for them what he dislikes for himself. He must show them good character and patiently bear any harm which comes from them. In fact he must go further and pardon them if they harm or wrong him and pray for them. By doing this great people became great people and reached the stations of perfection.
He must completely avoid anger, for there is no good in it. In fact it is completely evil, unless it is anger for the sake of Allah, such as when things which Allah has made sacrosanct are violated or when Allah’s obligations are ignored. People should become angry in these situations provided the situation demands this.
Imam al-Haddad finished dictating these counsels on 4th Jumada al-Ula, 1107 Hijri.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
Source: Seekershub
Monday, November 9, 2015
Before Setting the Path of Da'wah (Calling People to Allah)
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Abdullah ibn Mas'ud, a companion of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) who achieved great renown as one of the leading scholars among the companions of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace), reports that he asked the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) once: “Which action is most pleasing to Allah?” He answered: “To pray on time.” I asked: “What comes next?” He answered: “Then comes kindness to one’s parents.” I said: “What comes next?” He said: “Next comes jihad for Allah’s cause.” [Related by Al-Bukhari, Muslim and others.]
This Hadith reveals that the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) had a keen insight into what motivates people to work and to sacrifice. We know that prayer is the most important duty imposed by Islam. The first thing that we will be asked in the Day of Judgment is our prayers.
Kindness to parents is placed second in importance. There is no doubt that our parents have the greatest claim on our love and kind treatment. Nothing that we may do for them in their old age, when they grow weaker and more dependent on us, compensates them for the kindness and love they show us when we were young and totally dependent on them.
Next important action is jihad for Allah's cause. Jihad requires a person to recognize the fact that Allah's words are paramount, accept it and hold firmly to it, and to convey it to others. In order to do this; a person may have to sacrifice his wealth and his life. Jihad means to accept these risks willingly. Although most people understand the term to mean fighting the enemies of Islam in order that Islam may achieve supremacy over all other philosophies and creeds, its significance is much wider than its erroneous translation as “holy war”. Every action which serves the purpose of establishing Islam firm in his heart and conveying it to others, including an information campaign, is part of jihad. It earns great reward from Allah. Since jihad requires a positive effort, which involves sacrifice of one’s time, money or life, it tends to overshadow other virtuous actions, which bring us reward from Allah as well.
Calling people to Allah (da'wah) is part of jihad. But before we set the path of da'wah, we must know that part of the Prophetic concern is understanding of the Lord and understanding of the exalted status that He gave to His most beloved, the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam), and that we strengthen our own yaqeen (certainty), iman (faith) and sound beliefs.
A person who is seeking Allah needs to fulfill 3 higher objectives (maqaasid)
1. Seeking knowledge -- because knowledge is the path to knowing the Truth from falsehood and what is beloved to Allah and what is forbidden. How we draw closer to Allah does not occur except through having knowledge of that, and that is the knowledge of the Qur'an and Sunnah and its various sciences and disciplines
2. Implementing that knowledge within themselves. Knowledge itself is not sufficient. If a person reads a lot of books and have a lot of knowledge but does act upon that knowledge, it will only serve as a proof against him. Implementing that knowledge purifies oneself internally.
3. calling to Allah -- making His words paramount. The heart only comes to life by conforming to the Qur'an and Sunnah. It cannot come to life by conforming to people and somehow overwrite Allah and His Messenger (sallallahu alayhi wassallam). The scholars are the people who Allah has shown them on how to interact with the Qur'an and Sunnah on matters that need expertise.
Never lose sight that at the end of the day, what is important is that we meet Allah with a sound heart. If you fill your heart with things and desires of this world, you won't have room in your heart for Allah.
May Allah grant us a sound understanding of His religion, strengthen our faith, bring us draw closer to Him, and make us among those who come to Him with a sound heart. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Abdullah ibn Mas'ud, a companion of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) who achieved great renown as one of the leading scholars among the companions of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace), reports that he asked the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) once: “Which action is most pleasing to Allah?” He answered: “To pray on time.” I asked: “What comes next?” He answered: “Then comes kindness to one’s parents.” I said: “What comes next?” He said: “Next comes jihad for Allah’s cause.” [Related by Al-Bukhari, Muslim and others.]
This Hadith reveals that the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) had a keen insight into what motivates people to work and to sacrifice. We know that prayer is the most important duty imposed by Islam. The first thing that we will be asked in the Day of Judgment is our prayers.
Kindness to parents is placed second in importance. There is no doubt that our parents have the greatest claim on our love and kind treatment. Nothing that we may do for them in their old age, when they grow weaker and more dependent on us, compensates them for the kindness and love they show us when we were young and totally dependent on them.
Next important action is jihad for Allah's cause. Jihad requires a person to recognize the fact that Allah's words are paramount, accept it and hold firmly to it, and to convey it to others. In order to do this; a person may have to sacrifice his wealth and his life. Jihad means to accept these risks willingly. Although most people understand the term to mean fighting the enemies of Islam in order that Islam may achieve supremacy over all other philosophies and creeds, its significance is much wider than its erroneous translation as “holy war”. Every action which serves the purpose of establishing Islam firm in his heart and conveying it to others, including an information campaign, is part of jihad. It earns great reward from Allah. Since jihad requires a positive effort, which involves sacrifice of one’s time, money or life, it tends to overshadow other virtuous actions, which bring us reward from Allah as well.
Calling people to Allah (da'wah) is part of jihad. But before we set the path of da'wah, we must know that part of the Prophetic concern is understanding of the Lord and understanding of the exalted status that He gave to His most beloved, the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam), and that we strengthen our own yaqeen (certainty), iman (faith) and sound beliefs.
A person who is seeking Allah needs to fulfill 3 higher objectives (maqaasid)
1. Seeking knowledge -- because knowledge is the path to knowing the Truth from falsehood and what is beloved to Allah and what is forbidden. How we draw closer to Allah does not occur except through having knowledge of that, and that is the knowledge of the Qur'an and Sunnah and its various sciences and disciplines
2. Implementing that knowledge within themselves. Knowledge itself is not sufficient. If a person reads a lot of books and have a lot of knowledge but does act upon that knowledge, it will only serve as a proof against him. Implementing that knowledge purifies oneself internally.
3. calling to Allah -- making His words paramount. The heart only comes to life by conforming to the Qur'an and Sunnah. It cannot come to life by conforming to people and somehow overwrite Allah and His Messenger (sallallahu alayhi wassallam). The scholars are the people who Allah has shown them on how to interact with the Qur'an and Sunnah on matters that need expertise.
Never lose sight that at the end of the day, what is important is that we meet Allah with a sound heart. If you fill your heart with things and desires of this world, you won't have room in your heart for Allah.
يَوْمَ لَا يَنفَعُ مَالٌ وَلَا بَنُونَ ﴿٨٨﴾ إِلَّا مَنْ أَتَى اللَّـهَ بِقَلْبٍ سَلِيمٍ[Qur'an, Ash-Shu'ara 26:88-89]
The Day when there will not benefit [anyone] wealth or children (88) But only one who comes to Allah with a sound heart.
May Allah grant us a sound understanding of His religion, strengthen our faith, bring us draw closer to Him, and make us among those who come to Him with a sound heart. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Taking for Granted
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered,
"You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered,
"You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"
The Divorce Trap
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
People who are unhappy in their marriages often speak of feeling trapped. They yearn to be free from the tension, loneliness, constant arguments or deafening silence but worry that divorce may not be the right decision. After all, they took their marital vows seriously. They don’t want to hurt their spouses. They don’t want to hurt their children. They panic at the thought of being alone. They worry about finances. They fear the unknown. Yet, the idea of living in a loveless marriage starts to feel like a death sentence. They feel caught between a rock and a hard place…trapped in a life of misery. Over time, many of these people slowly convince themselves that the benefits of leaving their marriages vastly outweigh the benefits of staying. They tell themselves, “Kids are resilient, they’ll bounce back,” or “In the long run, this will be better for everyone,” or “Sure, it will be hard for a while, but change is good for people, or “Anything has got to be better than this.”
It’s not until they embark on the path to divorce and begin to piece their lives back together that they discover the real price they paid for their so-called “freedom”. Regretfully, this painful discovery comes too late. They have fallen into the divorce trap.
The divorce trap seduces over one million people each year. It promises peace and tranquility. It offers a fresh start, a second chance at romance, contentment, and self-discovery. It lures people into its grip by offering assurances that walking out the door can eliminate life’s seemingly insurmountable problems. When you’re desperately unhappy, these so-called guarantees are hard to resist. But there are good reasons for doing so. If you or someone you love is contemplating divorce you will want to know the truth about divorce -- the intense pain and despair that lingers for years. Times when every birthday, holiday, marriage of the couple's child, birth of a grandchild, or other causes for celebration have been nothing more but painful reminders of a divorce. There are the triggering of unpredictable, hurtful events such the total rejection by the children of the parent seeking the divorce. There are children who, even after many years following the divorce and after their parents’ subsequent marriages, still want to know if mom and dad will ever get back together. Now, with rampant divorce and disposal marriages, it isn’t a matter of people keeping their marriages together because they can, it’s a matter of people making their marriages work because they should.
Divorce stinks! Why? Recent findings about the long-term effects of divorce speak for themselves.
* Except in very extreme conflict-ridden families- and most families do not fit this criterion- children are better off when their parents stay married.
* Children are more likely to finish school and avoid problems such as teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, and delinquent behavior. Plus, they are more likely to have good marriages themselves.
* Even if a parent is happier as a result of divorce, there is no “trickle down effect.” Children still struggle emotionally regardless of how the parent feels.
* Married men make better fathers. They are more likely to provide guidance, role modeling, and financial support.
* Marriage is good for most adults. As compared to single, widowed or divorced people, married people are healthier, have better sex lives, they engage in fewer high-risk activities such as substance abuse, they live longer and they are happier!
* Depression is almost three times as prevalent in women who divorce once, and four times as prevalent in women who divorce twice than in women who have never divorced.
* A random sample of over 8,600 adults revealed the percentages of those who felt lonely. The results are as follows.
Marital status and % reporting loneliness:
Married- 4.6
Never Married- 14.5
Divorced 20.4
Widowed- 20.6
Separated- 29.6 (Page and Cole)
* Those in healthy marriages tend to be better, more productive employees. Married men miss work less often.
* Divorce increases the cost of many public health and social service programs. Single-parent households often mean children are raised in poverty or on public aid.
* A single mother’s standard of living almost always decreases significantly after divorce.
* As compared to 50% of first marriages that end in divorce, 60% of second marriages end in divorce.
Many people considering divorce say they wish they could have a crystal ball that would allow them to see into the future. Actually, the crystal ball is here for the taking. Research has enabled us to be “clairvoyant.” But many people choose to ignore or discount the facts because they’ve been hoodwinked into believing that divorce provides answers to an unhappy marriage. But how are myths about divorce being perpetuated? The divorce trap is a powerful conspiracy that is invisible to the naked eye. Like carbon dioxide, the odorless killer, the divorce trap is an insidious influence, invading your thoughts without your knowing it.
What are the forces behind the divorce trap.
Well-meaning friends and family
Oddly enough, some of the people nearest and dearest to you are part of the problem. This is not to say that they don’t have your best interest at heart. They do. They love you. They can’t stand to see you in pain. More than anyone, they know you and know how much you deserve happiness in your life. Their caring is genuine. Why then, do I say that your loved ones can be misdirecting you?
The Biased Shoulder
When you share your unhappiness with loved ones, what they hear is your side of the story, and your side only. Even though your feelings about your spouse and marriage are valid, they are, nonetheless, biased. Needless to say, if your spouse were in on the conversation, the story about your marriage would take a not-so-slight different turn. But the people who love you don’t care about objectivity; they want you to feel better. Although this makes perfect sense, the end result is that the people in whom you are confiding, offer potentially life-changing advice without a complete set of facts. If you follow that advice, you may create an even bigger rift in your marriage.
Protectors and rescuers
Another reason friends and family can increase the odds you will be divorce-bound is that, because they can’t bear to see you in pain, they will steer you to what they think is the quickest escape from the emotional torture. They convince themselves and then you that, since your spouse is the problem, get rid of him or her. “Just leave. You don’t deserve this. Just get out.” But you need to be aware of a couple of things when you listen to this advice.
First of all, although your friends and family care about you, their advice is also self-serving. It will make them feel better if you aren’t so sad. It will be a relief for them when you stop crying or feeling so torn. They want an end to this unhappiness. Problem is, if you follow their advice and make them feel better, you’ll be divorced and supporting yourself (and your kids), changing your lifestyle, making adjustments, and starting all over, they won’t. Even if your loved ones are already divorced and believe that their divorce has improved lives dramatically, it doesn’t mean that you will feel this way too. No two people are alike. Second, this whole idea – get rid of your partner and leave your troubles behind- is about the most absurd notion I’ve ever heard.
To begin with, if you have children, unless your partner is the kind of person who will leave the planet, never to be heard of again, don’t count on getting rid of your spouse. When children are involved, there is no such thing as divorce. Your spouse will be in your life forever. And I mean forever. You’ll be in constant communication about visitation, decisions about your children’s welfare, holidays, money, vacations, issues pertaining to the relationship between the children and new male or female friends/marital partners. The list is endless.
One woman wrote, I’ve been divorced for twenty-three years. When I decided to get a divorce I never thought about the fact that my ex would be in my life forever. I realized that we would be in touch weekly because of our kids, but I guess I thought that when the kids got older, he would just disappear from my life. And here it is, my grown daughter is about to give birth next week and for the first time, I realized that my ex and I are going to be “the grandparents” together. What was I thinking?” Spouses don’t disappear. Spouses don’t disappear with a divorce and neither do your problems. Although it may be true that a person is hard to get along with, the truth is, when you’re experiencing marital problems it’s almost always the result of how two people interact. In other words, in a marriage, two people develop relationship habits, and if you leave, you take your habits with you when you go. Ever hear the expression, “Everywhere you go, there you are.”? Well, it’s true.
And the sad part about all this is, when you divorce your spouse, you will feel relieved momentarily to be free of his/her presence, but if and when you remarry, you will enter her new relationship unenlightened about how to deal with the differences that naturally occur between any two people. That’s because you ran away from your relationship problems rather than solved or learned from them. And since you failed to see your role in the demise of your relationship, you are destined to make one of two mistakes.
The first is to marry someone similar to your ex and recreate the exact same problems. The second is to fool yourself thinking marriage will be infinitely easier if you marry someone who is totally different from your ex (say a controlling ex husband). So you purposely sought out a man who is gentle and laid back. At first, it felt like your life’s dream. You don't have to walk on eggshells because no one is looking over your shoulder. You didn’t have to be afraid to voice your feelings because he will listen rather than criticize. You felt you could be yourself for the first time in years. Time passed and now you felt that your laid-back, gentle man was wimpy and unmotivated. He made less money than your first husband. He wasn’t overly ambitious. You disliked that you now had to help him support the children financially. When you asked him what he wanted to do on weekends, he always said, “I don’t care, it’s up to you.” Although you always used to appreciate his easy-going attitude, now you are frustrated by his indecisiveness. When you talked to him about your feelings, he got emotional and cried. Maybe before you wanted to avoid feeling controlled in your life, but this was more than you bargained for. Rather than find productive ways to get through to your husband and get more of your needs met, you found yourself thinking about divorce once again. And as before, you reassured yourself that the problems in your marriage had nothing to do with you.
The obvious lesson here is that when a marriage fails, no matter how tempting it might be to put all the blame on one spouse’s shoulders, both spouses have contributed to its downfall.
Look, we all need people on our side, people who will stand by us no matter what. But before you are too quick to heed the advice of your personal fans, you must remember this. Their opinions are biased. They can’t always see the forest for the trees. If you leave conversations feeling supported but solutionless, be wary. You might be in the midst of being initiated into the divorce trap’s steering committee.
Well-meaning Therapists
Often people recognize that friends and family can be biased and, for that reason, decide to seek professional help for their marriage. Unfortunately, going to a therapist when you are having marital problems doesn’t guarantee you will leave with your marriage intact. Some therapists believe that when a marriage stops being fulfilling or nurturing, it’s time to move on. They see divorce as a challenging, yet viable solution to marriage’s many problems. They appreciate the impact of divorce on children, but they prefer to focus on children’s resiliency and their ability to adjust. Although they might initially try to help couples beyond their differences, if the path to solution is rocky, they are quick to suggest calling it quits. They see divorce as a rite of passage. But why? To begin with, you need to know that, first and foremost, therapists are people. No matter how well trained they may be, what you get when you seek therapy is the person behind the therapist.
All people have life experiences that help shape who they are, their beliefs, their values, their morals, and their interests, and therapists are no exception. It’s literally impossible for therapists to check their values and perspectives at the door at the start of a therapy session. A therapist’s views about marriage are influenced by many things, including the quality of his or her own parent’s marriage. For example, if the therapist’s parents had a highly combative marriage and made no attempt to improve things, making it miserable for the kids, the therapist might believe that people are better off divorcing when there is tension and steer the sessions in that direction. If a therapist’s father had affairs and the therapist observed the hurt that it caused in the family, he might believe that marriages can not heal after infidelity. If a therapist grew up with two parents who calmly talked things out when there was trouble, and if you and your mate have a more hotheaded problem-solving style, she might believe that you are incompatible or that your marriage is dysfunctional, and might suggest you separate. This is unfortunate because research shows that many hot-headed couples love each other to death and manage to solve problems just as well as those who are more controlled. If, in growing up, a therapist’s had a really stormy relationship with her father, it’s possible that she might have negative feelings about men and continually side with the woman in the couple. This sort of bias is never productive and likely to result in insurmountable resistance on the part of the man who feels out-numbered, or in his dropping out of therapy, neither of which bodes well for the marriage. In short, therapists can’t separate who they are from what they do.
Remember marriage is sacred. Problems aren’t roadblocks, just bumps in the road. Anyone who has suffered in a marriage over a long period of time will, by definition, feel despondent. Hopelessness as a normal reaction to a painful situation rather than a telltale sign about the marriage’s future. Once you can find workable solutions, the hopelessness will vanish. Hopelessness shouldn't derail you.
The Media Myth-Makers
Hollywood can not be faulted for offering unrealistic portrayals of what really goes on behind closed doors. After all, it’s their job to entertain, not educate us. Yet, in a media-saturated society, it’s hard not to be influenced by the images with which we are bombarded- perfect hard bodies, impassioned, breathless sex, and heart-stopping romance. If our relationships don’t quite measure up, we start to think we’re being short-changed, and want to upgrade to the new and improved model. But the truth is, good marriages can be incredibly boring. There’s nothing sexy about making dinner, paying bills, caring for elderly parents, changing diapers, and chauffeuring kids to soccer games. There’s nothing titillating about sitting together in silence while one person watches television and the other reads. No major box-office hit here! The really good things about marriage- the comfort spouses feel in each other’s presence, the unspoken glances that speak volumes, the little things people do for each other, the certainty that they will wake up next to each other in bed every morning- are about as compelling to watch as watching paint dry. That’s why realism is in short supply on the silver screen. It wouldn’t sell. Nowadays, if Hollywood isn’t busy glamorizing marriage, it’s busy taking the sting out of divorce, another realism-zapper. Sitcoms, movies and cartoons depicting non-traditional families are the norm. And everyone seems to be doing just fine. The message is clear- the nuclear family is a thing of the past and we’re no worse for the wear. Viewers aren’t exposed to the real trials and tribulations of blending families or of raising children as a single parent. We don’t see the War-of-Roses-type arguments that often occur between spouses as they pit their biological children against their step-children. We’re not told how these arguments often account for the fact that 60% of second marriages end in divorce. We don’t hear about the poverty and other challenges that often accompany single parenthood, especially for women.
Television makes life after divorce seem easy. Beyond making marriage look more glamorous than life, and divorce less noxious than in reality, the media biases people’s perspective about marriage by being obsessed with bad news.
Imagine for a moment, that instead of all the doom-and-gloom predictions about marriage, we were inundated with love’s success stories. We’d read in-depth interviews about couples who have been married fifty years or more, we’d learn of data about those who have risen above difficult marital problems such as infidelity and about the hundreds of thousands of couples whose lives have been changed by taking a simple marriage education course. We’d receive updated information about the ways in which long-term marriage benefits men, women, children and society as a whole. Just think about how our collective unconsciousness might be altered if the media spent a fraction of the time investigating why marriage works instead of informing and warning us about the death of marriage.
The Legal System
“If there is one lawyer in town, he will starve to death. If there are two, both will make a good living.”
Sometimes, when people are unhappy in their marriages and unsure about whether they should leave or not, they go to an attorney to check out their rights and get a peak into their future as a single person. This, in and of itself, is not a bad idea, but there are some things you should know about the divorce process before you pick up the phone. When you go to a divorce attorney, what you get is someone who specializes in the divorce process, not reconciliation. People often seek legal advice, not because they are 100% sure they want to divorce, but because they want to gather information and feel that they are protecting themselves. Although many attorneys pick up on people’s ambivalence and suggest counseling, this is not necessarily always the case. It’s their job to facilitate a divorce, not to suggest reconciliation. Besides, the thinking goes that by the time you schedule an appointment with an attorney, you have already considered all the alternatives and you are ready to terminate your marriage. Once you start the legal ball rolling, it becomes your lawyer’s primary responsibility to get you “a fair deal” which translates to “the best possible deal”; the most money, the most time with your children, the least amount of interference from your ex-spouse and so on. They’re ethically bound to operate from this premise; it’s their job. The problem is, your spouse’s attorney is charged with the same responsibility. The end result is that the divorce process becomes extremely adversarial. It’s you against your spouse.
Divorces are part of our adversary process. By design, the system pits one party against the other. The theory is that the decision-maker (the judge) has the benefit of the most persuasive argument from each side and the attack by cross-examination reveals the weaknesses of each side’s position. Though this may be an effective way to make decisions in commercial and criminal cases, it certainly is not appropriate for the troubled family. It pits husband against wife, mother against father and hostility escalates into the ultimate war, the trial. Although protecting oneself is important, sometimes the very things you do to protect your personal interests, jeopardize the slightest hope that you and your partner will remain civil to one another, let alone reconsider reconciliation.
Divorce attorneys are hired to “win” and rather than consider a particular legal act’s implications on future relationship dynamics. Divorce attorneys clearly understand that divorce is as much a psychological war, as it is a legal war. That part of the process called "discovery" gives attorneys the tools with which to attack the opponent and to gain psychological as well as legal advantage. Depositions (examinations before trial) of friends, family and business associates, production of tons of documents, scrutinizing personal activities, and evaluation and criticism of each spouse’s role as parent, are all part of the tactics used to bring your opponent to their knees.
Divorce-Without-War
If, for example, in your heated discussions about the possibility of divorce, it becomes clear that both you and your spouse want full custody of your children, you will be in for a battle sure to make whatever positive feelings you might have had about your spouse vanish. You will be asked to compile as much information as you possibly can that will, not only portray you as the more fit parent, but, at the same time, portray your spouse as inept. To boost your case and comply with your attorney’s requests, you scrutinize your memories for all of your partner’s faults and failures both as a parent and as a co-parent. This biased jaunt down memory lane distorts your perception and robs you of any lingering feelings of appreciation for a shared history. And, to make matters worse, once you learn of your partner’s portrayal of your shortcomings as a parent, the outrage you feel reconfirms in your own mind why you have been considering divorce in the first place. Concern about the long-term damage done to relationships and families because of the adversarial nature of the legal process has prompted an alternative for those considering divorce- mediation. Mediation is a non-adversarial process involving an impartial third party who helps couples problem-solve, communicate more effectively and reach mutually agreed upon resolutions that are in the best interests of the family. Although the goal of mediation is not reconciliation, nor should it be confused with marriage counseling, because of the collaborative nature of the process and its focus on building communication skills, couples opting for mediation often decide to reconcile rather than divorce. Even if divorce is the end result, the spirit of cooperation gained through the mediation process greatly benefits the couple’s post-divorce relationship, which is especially important when children are involved. Unfortunately, not enough people consider mediation when their marriage is on the brink. If they did, it’s possible that more marriages could be saved. Now that you know what drives the divorce machine, you might wonder whether certain people are more susceptible to its influence than others. And the answer is yes.
The Walkaway Wife Syndrome
Although divorce offers the illusion of happiness to people of all ages, races, and personality types, there is one group that is particularly susceptible to the sound of the divorce siren. It’s women. Approximately two thirds of the divorces in our country are filed for by women. What’s going on here? Why are so many women throwing in the towel? In the early years of marriage, women are usually the primary caretakers of the relationship. They’re the ones who are doing a daily temperature check; “Have we had enough closeness today,?” “Are we spending enough time together,?” “Do we feel connected emotionally?” If the answer to these questions is,”Yes,” life goes on. If not, women pursue for more closeness. They tell their husbands, “You don’t value our relationship anymore,” “We never do anything together,” “Why do you always put work ahead of me?” Often, instead of recognizing their wives need for more closeness, men simply feel nagged and withdraw, emotionally and sometimes physically. Because of this unresponsiveness, even hostility, women become frustrated. They soon try another approach- complaining about their partners’ lack of involvement about everything else in their lives. “I feel like a single parent,” “You are such a couch potato,” “Why don’t you ever lift a finger around the house? I do everything myself.” Although they are still only trying to get their spouses’ attention, men recoil big time. (I’ve never met a man who comes closer to his wife as a result of being “nagged,” no matter what his wife’s intentions!) After months or years of this negative interaction, women finally give up. They tell themselves, “I’ve tried everything. Divorce has got to be better than this. I’ll find somebody who cares about me. Even if I don’t, I’m so alone in this marriage, I can’t take it anymore. I know I’ll be happier without him.” And, with that, they plan their escape. Now, the interesting thing about this escape plan is that leaving usually hinges on a particular event which may take years to materialize. For example, “I’ll leave my husband when the kids leave home,” or “I’ll get a divorce when I go back to school and learn new skills so I can support myself,” or “I’m going to meet another man and as soon as I do, I will be out of here.” And now comes the tricky part.
In the months, years that follow her decision, the wife is no longer trying to fix the marriage. She stops complaining. To her, this surrender to the inevitable is definitely a bad thing. To him, well, you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out what the husband thinks. He’s thrilled! She’s off his back. She must be happy again, or so he thinks and he proceeds with business as usual. Business as usual, that is, until “D Day”. That’s the day she turns to him and says, “I want a divorce,” to which her absolutely devastated husband replies, “ I had no idea you were unhappy! Why didn’t you tell me?” With that response, the marital coffin is nailed shut. The tragedy of this situation is that this is the point at which most men finally understand the depth of their wives’ unhappiness and want to make genuine changes in themselves. They are willing to do back flips to keep their marriages/families together. They are finally ready to do the kind of soul-searching that would make having a great marriage possible.
But by that point, most women have built an impenetrable wall around them, one that is impervious to men’s efforts to change. And it’s divorce, full speed ahead. If more women knew the truth about divorce, they might not be so quick to dismiss their husband’s offers to become better people and partners. They might actually stick around long enough to find out if their husbands really mean what they say about changing.
The Anytime Mid-life Crisis
Don’t get me wrong. Men get lured by the divorce trap too. They get fooled into believing that life would be better if only they were single, had more and better sex, more adoration, fewer responsibilities and obligations, more nights out with the guys, less “henpecking” and so on. Many otherwise sane, moral, responsible men wake up one morning and start to question their very being. They scrutinize their lives. They feel something is missing. They’re not happy. In fact, they’re downright depressed and withdrawn. Sometimes they can’t put a finger on it. There’s just a gnawing sense that something is wrong and a growing urgency to do something about it. And though they really aren’t sure what’s ailing them, they convince themselves they need to leave their marriages to find out. Other times, men think they know what’s at the root of their unhappiness. “I hate all this responsibility. Life is short, I don’t want to feel so burdened all the time.” “I got married for the wrong reasons- she was pregnant, we were too young, I was desperate to get out of my house, I felt pressured by her.” “She’s always so rejecting and critical. I want to find someone who appreciates me.” “Our sex life has been non-existent, I don’t want to live like this anymore.” “My father died a few months ago and it made me realize that I don’t want to be in a marriage where there is conflict.”
Perhaps these rationales sound familiar. Can you say mid-life crisis? If your husband is between 40-50, and he’s developed a recent interest in working out, eating healthfully, buying new clothes, and has been eyeing that proverbial red convertible, (or some other, less expensive boy toy) you might have already suspected a mid-life crisis. And you may be right! But it’s been my experience that men can have what’s been termed a “mid-life” crisis at almost any time in their lives. In fact, even men in their 20’s have been known to feel despondent about their lot in life and start fantasizing about greener pastures. Although they don’t have balding heads, expanding waistlines, and wrinkles with which to do psychological battle, these younger men are, nonetheless, acutely aware of the happiness clock ticking speedily away. Rather than confront or fix what’s wrong in their lives or in their marriages, many of these men try to free themselves from their depression and anxiety by picking up and leaving.
Wives of these men try to talk sense into them. They give them books about mid-life crises. They cut out magazine articles and leave them around the house. They recruit friends to talk to their husbands. They pull out wedding pictures to jar memories of happier times. When that doesn’t work, they urge their husbands to see a therapist about depression. They leave pamphlets about clinical depression strewn on desks or beside toilet seats, where the reading material is piled. But alas, none of these desperate attempts to defog their divorce-prone men seems to make a dent. In fact, the urge to escape becomes even stronger.
Beating the odds
If reading about the pervasiveness of the divorce trap has made you pessimistic or overwhelmed, don’t be. No matter how rough your situation might be, you can beat the odds! YOU CAN SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!
In recent years, we’ve learned a ton about why some couples are able to keep their love alive while others aren’t. And it all boils down to one thing- skills, relationship skills. How you handle conflict, how you communicate, how you problem-solve- all determine how strong or fragile your love bond will be. Unfortunately, most of us never learned these skills from our parents. So how in the world should we know what to do when things get rocky? If your partner hasn’t been loving, affectionate or communicative, it’s probably because he or she doesn’t know how. If you’ve been unsuccessful in getting through to your spouse and getting more love in your life, it’s not because your spouse is evil, it’s just because you need better tools to reach him or her.
You have to do some work with the tools. It probably took years for your marriage to reach this point and repairing the damage will take time. If you are an impatient person by nature- when you want something, you want it now- you are going to have to work on yourself to slow down. At this point, patience is more than a virtue, it’s a necessity. Right now, you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.
If we can put men on the moon, eliminate life-threatening diseases, develop a vast network of world-wide communication, surely we can figure out a way to keep love alive.
7 Steps to Saving Your Marriage
1. Start with a Beginner’s Mind- Free yourself from the change-defeating kind of thinking that plagues all of us from time to time. Replace these unproductive thoughts with new and more creative ideas that will assist you in accomplishing the goals you have for your marriage.
2. Know What You Want- Identify your marriage-saving goals. Although you may think you already know what they are, you don’t. You haven’t been specific enough.
3. Ask for What You Want- Approach your spouse with your newly developed goals.
4. Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels- Figure out which strategies you’ve been using that have been backfiring and making your life miserable. This will help you redirect your energies to doing things that are more productive.
5. Experiment and Monitor Results- Learn techniques for getting through to the spouse you love.
6. Taking Stock- Stand back for a moment and evaluate how much progress you’ve made since you’ve started the program. Once you’re clearer about how far you’ve come, you’ll know exactly what you need to do to reach your goals.
7. Keeping The Positive Changes Going- Make your changes permanent. Prevent minor setbacks from becoming a spiraling downward trend.
And Allah alone grant success.
Wassalaam
adapted from The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
People who are unhappy in their marriages often speak of feeling trapped. They yearn to be free from the tension, loneliness, constant arguments or deafening silence but worry that divorce may not be the right decision. After all, they took their marital vows seriously. They don’t want to hurt their spouses. They don’t want to hurt their children. They panic at the thought of being alone. They worry about finances. They fear the unknown. Yet, the idea of living in a loveless marriage starts to feel like a death sentence. They feel caught between a rock and a hard place…trapped in a life of misery. Over time, many of these people slowly convince themselves that the benefits of leaving their marriages vastly outweigh the benefits of staying. They tell themselves, “Kids are resilient, they’ll bounce back,” or “In the long run, this will be better for everyone,” or “Sure, it will be hard for a while, but change is good for people, or “Anything has got to be better than this.”
It’s not until they embark on the path to divorce and begin to piece their lives back together that they discover the real price they paid for their so-called “freedom”. Regretfully, this painful discovery comes too late. They have fallen into the divorce trap.
The divorce trap seduces over one million people each year. It promises peace and tranquility. It offers a fresh start, a second chance at romance, contentment, and self-discovery. It lures people into its grip by offering assurances that walking out the door can eliminate life’s seemingly insurmountable problems. When you’re desperately unhappy, these so-called guarantees are hard to resist. But there are good reasons for doing so. If you or someone you love is contemplating divorce you will want to know the truth about divorce -- the intense pain and despair that lingers for years. Times when every birthday, holiday, marriage of the couple's child, birth of a grandchild, or other causes for celebration have been nothing more but painful reminders of a divorce. There are the triggering of unpredictable, hurtful events such the total rejection by the children of the parent seeking the divorce. There are children who, even after many years following the divorce and after their parents’ subsequent marriages, still want to know if mom and dad will ever get back together. Now, with rampant divorce and disposal marriages, it isn’t a matter of people keeping their marriages together because they can, it’s a matter of people making their marriages work because they should.
Divorce stinks! Why? Recent findings about the long-term effects of divorce speak for themselves.
* Except in very extreme conflict-ridden families- and most families do not fit this criterion- children are better off when their parents stay married.
* Children are more likely to finish school and avoid problems such as teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, and delinquent behavior. Plus, they are more likely to have good marriages themselves.
* Even if a parent is happier as a result of divorce, there is no “trickle down effect.” Children still struggle emotionally regardless of how the parent feels.
* Married men make better fathers. They are more likely to provide guidance, role modeling, and financial support.
* Marriage is good for most adults. As compared to single, widowed or divorced people, married people are healthier, have better sex lives, they engage in fewer high-risk activities such as substance abuse, they live longer and they are happier!
* Depression is almost three times as prevalent in women who divorce once, and four times as prevalent in women who divorce twice than in women who have never divorced.
* A random sample of over 8,600 adults revealed the percentages of those who felt lonely. The results are as follows.
Marital status and % reporting loneliness:
Married- 4.6
Never Married- 14.5
Divorced 20.4
Widowed- 20.6
Separated- 29.6 (Page and Cole)
* Those in healthy marriages tend to be better, more productive employees. Married men miss work less often.
* Divorce increases the cost of many public health and social service programs. Single-parent households often mean children are raised in poverty or on public aid.
* A single mother’s standard of living almost always decreases significantly after divorce.
* As compared to 50% of first marriages that end in divorce, 60% of second marriages end in divorce.
Many people considering divorce say they wish they could have a crystal ball that would allow them to see into the future. Actually, the crystal ball is here for the taking. Research has enabled us to be “clairvoyant.” But many people choose to ignore or discount the facts because they’ve been hoodwinked into believing that divorce provides answers to an unhappy marriage. But how are myths about divorce being perpetuated? The divorce trap is a powerful conspiracy that is invisible to the naked eye. Like carbon dioxide, the odorless killer, the divorce trap is an insidious influence, invading your thoughts without your knowing it.
What are the forces behind the divorce trap.
Well-meaning friends and family
Oddly enough, some of the people nearest and dearest to you are part of the problem. This is not to say that they don’t have your best interest at heart. They do. They love you. They can’t stand to see you in pain. More than anyone, they know you and know how much you deserve happiness in your life. Their caring is genuine. Why then, do I say that your loved ones can be misdirecting you?
The Biased Shoulder
When you share your unhappiness with loved ones, what they hear is your side of the story, and your side only. Even though your feelings about your spouse and marriage are valid, they are, nonetheless, biased. Needless to say, if your spouse were in on the conversation, the story about your marriage would take a not-so-slight different turn. But the people who love you don’t care about objectivity; they want you to feel better. Although this makes perfect sense, the end result is that the people in whom you are confiding, offer potentially life-changing advice without a complete set of facts. If you follow that advice, you may create an even bigger rift in your marriage.
Protectors and rescuers
Another reason friends and family can increase the odds you will be divorce-bound is that, because they can’t bear to see you in pain, they will steer you to what they think is the quickest escape from the emotional torture. They convince themselves and then you that, since your spouse is the problem, get rid of him or her. “Just leave. You don’t deserve this. Just get out.” But you need to be aware of a couple of things when you listen to this advice.
First of all, although your friends and family care about you, their advice is also self-serving. It will make them feel better if you aren’t so sad. It will be a relief for them when you stop crying or feeling so torn. They want an end to this unhappiness. Problem is, if you follow their advice and make them feel better, you’ll be divorced and supporting yourself (and your kids), changing your lifestyle, making adjustments, and starting all over, they won’t. Even if your loved ones are already divorced and believe that their divorce has improved lives dramatically, it doesn’t mean that you will feel this way too. No two people are alike. Second, this whole idea – get rid of your partner and leave your troubles behind- is about the most absurd notion I’ve ever heard.
To begin with, if you have children, unless your partner is the kind of person who will leave the planet, never to be heard of again, don’t count on getting rid of your spouse. When children are involved, there is no such thing as divorce. Your spouse will be in your life forever. And I mean forever. You’ll be in constant communication about visitation, decisions about your children’s welfare, holidays, money, vacations, issues pertaining to the relationship between the children and new male or female friends/marital partners. The list is endless.
One woman wrote, I’ve been divorced for twenty-three years. When I decided to get a divorce I never thought about the fact that my ex would be in my life forever. I realized that we would be in touch weekly because of our kids, but I guess I thought that when the kids got older, he would just disappear from my life. And here it is, my grown daughter is about to give birth next week and for the first time, I realized that my ex and I are going to be “the grandparents” together. What was I thinking?” Spouses don’t disappear. Spouses don’t disappear with a divorce and neither do your problems. Although it may be true that a person is hard to get along with, the truth is, when you’re experiencing marital problems it’s almost always the result of how two people interact. In other words, in a marriage, two people develop relationship habits, and if you leave, you take your habits with you when you go. Ever hear the expression, “Everywhere you go, there you are.”? Well, it’s true.
And the sad part about all this is, when you divorce your spouse, you will feel relieved momentarily to be free of his/her presence, but if and when you remarry, you will enter her new relationship unenlightened about how to deal with the differences that naturally occur between any two people. That’s because you ran away from your relationship problems rather than solved or learned from them. And since you failed to see your role in the demise of your relationship, you are destined to make one of two mistakes.
The first is to marry someone similar to your ex and recreate the exact same problems. The second is to fool yourself thinking marriage will be infinitely easier if you marry someone who is totally different from your ex (say a controlling ex husband). So you purposely sought out a man who is gentle and laid back. At first, it felt like your life’s dream. You don't have to walk on eggshells because no one is looking over your shoulder. You didn’t have to be afraid to voice your feelings because he will listen rather than criticize. You felt you could be yourself for the first time in years. Time passed and now you felt that your laid-back, gentle man was wimpy and unmotivated. He made less money than your first husband. He wasn’t overly ambitious. You disliked that you now had to help him support the children financially. When you asked him what he wanted to do on weekends, he always said, “I don’t care, it’s up to you.” Although you always used to appreciate his easy-going attitude, now you are frustrated by his indecisiveness. When you talked to him about your feelings, he got emotional and cried. Maybe before you wanted to avoid feeling controlled in your life, but this was more than you bargained for. Rather than find productive ways to get through to your husband and get more of your needs met, you found yourself thinking about divorce once again. And as before, you reassured yourself that the problems in your marriage had nothing to do with you.
The obvious lesson here is that when a marriage fails, no matter how tempting it might be to put all the blame on one spouse’s shoulders, both spouses have contributed to its downfall.
Look, we all need people on our side, people who will stand by us no matter what. But before you are too quick to heed the advice of your personal fans, you must remember this. Their opinions are biased. They can’t always see the forest for the trees. If you leave conversations feeling supported but solutionless, be wary. You might be in the midst of being initiated into the divorce trap’s steering committee.
Well-meaning Therapists
Often people recognize that friends and family can be biased and, for that reason, decide to seek professional help for their marriage. Unfortunately, going to a therapist when you are having marital problems doesn’t guarantee you will leave with your marriage intact. Some therapists believe that when a marriage stops being fulfilling or nurturing, it’s time to move on. They see divorce as a challenging, yet viable solution to marriage’s many problems. They appreciate the impact of divorce on children, but they prefer to focus on children’s resiliency and their ability to adjust. Although they might initially try to help couples beyond their differences, if the path to solution is rocky, they are quick to suggest calling it quits. They see divorce as a rite of passage. But why? To begin with, you need to know that, first and foremost, therapists are people. No matter how well trained they may be, what you get when you seek therapy is the person behind the therapist.
All people have life experiences that help shape who they are, their beliefs, their values, their morals, and their interests, and therapists are no exception. It’s literally impossible for therapists to check their values and perspectives at the door at the start of a therapy session. A therapist’s views about marriage are influenced by many things, including the quality of his or her own parent’s marriage. For example, if the therapist’s parents had a highly combative marriage and made no attempt to improve things, making it miserable for the kids, the therapist might believe that people are better off divorcing when there is tension and steer the sessions in that direction. If a therapist’s father had affairs and the therapist observed the hurt that it caused in the family, he might believe that marriages can not heal after infidelity. If a therapist grew up with two parents who calmly talked things out when there was trouble, and if you and your mate have a more hotheaded problem-solving style, she might believe that you are incompatible or that your marriage is dysfunctional, and might suggest you separate. This is unfortunate because research shows that many hot-headed couples love each other to death and manage to solve problems just as well as those who are more controlled. If, in growing up, a therapist’s had a really stormy relationship with her father, it’s possible that she might have negative feelings about men and continually side with the woman in the couple. This sort of bias is never productive and likely to result in insurmountable resistance on the part of the man who feels out-numbered, or in his dropping out of therapy, neither of which bodes well for the marriage. In short, therapists can’t separate who they are from what they do.
Remember marriage is sacred. Problems aren’t roadblocks, just bumps in the road. Anyone who has suffered in a marriage over a long period of time will, by definition, feel despondent. Hopelessness as a normal reaction to a painful situation rather than a telltale sign about the marriage’s future. Once you can find workable solutions, the hopelessness will vanish. Hopelessness shouldn't derail you.
The Media Myth-Makers
Hollywood can not be faulted for offering unrealistic portrayals of what really goes on behind closed doors. After all, it’s their job to entertain, not educate us. Yet, in a media-saturated society, it’s hard not to be influenced by the images with which we are bombarded- perfect hard bodies, impassioned, breathless sex, and heart-stopping romance. If our relationships don’t quite measure up, we start to think we’re being short-changed, and want to upgrade to the new and improved model. But the truth is, good marriages can be incredibly boring. There’s nothing sexy about making dinner, paying bills, caring for elderly parents, changing diapers, and chauffeuring kids to soccer games. There’s nothing titillating about sitting together in silence while one person watches television and the other reads. No major box-office hit here! The really good things about marriage- the comfort spouses feel in each other’s presence, the unspoken glances that speak volumes, the little things people do for each other, the certainty that they will wake up next to each other in bed every morning- are about as compelling to watch as watching paint dry. That’s why realism is in short supply on the silver screen. It wouldn’t sell. Nowadays, if Hollywood isn’t busy glamorizing marriage, it’s busy taking the sting out of divorce, another realism-zapper. Sitcoms, movies and cartoons depicting non-traditional families are the norm. And everyone seems to be doing just fine. The message is clear- the nuclear family is a thing of the past and we’re no worse for the wear. Viewers aren’t exposed to the real trials and tribulations of blending families or of raising children as a single parent. We don’t see the War-of-Roses-type arguments that often occur between spouses as they pit their biological children against their step-children. We’re not told how these arguments often account for the fact that 60% of second marriages end in divorce. We don’t hear about the poverty and other challenges that often accompany single parenthood, especially for women.
Television makes life after divorce seem easy. Beyond making marriage look more glamorous than life, and divorce less noxious than in reality, the media biases people’s perspective about marriage by being obsessed with bad news.
Imagine for a moment, that instead of all the doom-and-gloom predictions about marriage, we were inundated with love’s success stories. We’d read in-depth interviews about couples who have been married fifty years or more, we’d learn of data about those who have risen above difficult marital problems such as infidelity and about the hundreds of thousands of couples whose lives have been changed by taking a simple marriage education course. We’d receive updated information about the ways in which long-term marriage benefits men, women, children and society as a whole. Just think about how our collective unconsciousness might be altered if the media spent a fraction of the time investigating why marriage works instead of informing and warning us about the death of marriage.
The Legal System
“If there is one lawyer in town, he will starve to death. If there are two, both will make a good living.”
Sometimes, when people are unhappy in their marriages and unsure about whether they should leave or not, they go to an attorney to check out their rights and get a peak into their future as a single person. This, in and of itself, is not a bad idea, but there are some things you should know about the divorce process before you pick up the phone. When you go to a divorce attorney, what you get is someone who specializes in the divorce process, not reconciliation. People often seek legal advice, not because they are 100% sure they want to divorce, but because they want to gather information and feel that they are protecting themselves. Although many attorneys pick up on people’s ambivalence and suggest counseling, this is not necessarily always the case. It’s their job to facilitate a divorce, not to suggest reconciliation. Besides, the thinking goes that by the time you schedule an appointment with an attorney, you have already considered all the alternatives and you are ready to terminate your marriage. Once you start the legal ball rolling, it becomes your lawyer’s primary responsibility to get you “a fair deal” which translates to “the best possible deal”; the most money, the most time with your children, the least amount of interference from your ex-spouse and so on. They’re ethically bound to operate from this premise; it’s their job. The problem is, your spouse’s attorney is charged with the same responsibility. The end result is that the divorce process becomes extremely adversarial. It’s you against your spouse.
Divorces are part of our adversary process. By design, the system pits one party against the other. The theory is that the decision-maker (the judge) has the benefit of the most persuasive argument from each side and the attack by cross-examination reveals the weaknesses of each side’s position. Though this may be an effective way to make decisions in commercial and criminal cases, it certainly is not appropriate for the troubled family. It pits husband against wife, mother against father and hostility escalates into the ultimate war, the trial. Although protecting oneself is important, sometimes the very things you do to protect your personal interests, jeopardize the slightest hope that you and your partner will remain civil to one another, let alone reconsider reconciliation.
Divorce attorneys are hired to “win” and rather than consider a particular legal act’s implications on future relationship dynamics. Divorce attorneys clearly understand that divorce is as much a psychological war, as it is a legal war. That part of the process called "discovery" gives attorneys the tools with which to attack the opponent and to gain psychological as well as legal advantage. Depositions (examinations before trial) of friends, family and business associates, production of tons of documents, scrutinizing personal activities, and evaluation and criticism of each spouse’s role as parent, are all part of the tactics used to bring your opponent to their knees.
Divorce-Without-War
If, for example, in your heated discussions about the possibility of divorce, it becomes clear that both you and your spouse want full custody of your children, you will be in for a battle sure to make whatever positive feelings you might have had about your spouse vanish. You will be asked to compile as much information as you possibly can that will, not only portray you as the more fit parent, but, at the same time, portray your spouse as inept. To boost your case and comply with your attorney’s requests, you scrutinize your memories for all of your partner’s faults and failures both as a parent and as a co-parent. This biased jaunt down memory lane distorts your perception and robs you of any lingering feelings of appreciation for a shared history. And, to make matters worse, once you learn of your partner’s portrayal of your shortcomings as a parent, the outrage you feel reconfirms in your own mind why you have been considering divorce in the first place. Concern about the long-term damage done to relationships and families because of the adversarial nature of the legal process has prompted an alternative for those considering divorce- mediation. Mediation is a non-adversarial process involving an impartial third party who helps couples problem-solve, communicate more effectively and reach mutually agreed upon resolutions that are in the best interests of the family. Although the goal of mediation is not reconciliation, nor should it be confused with marriage counseling, because of the collaborative nature of the process and its focus on building communication skills, couples opting for mediation often decide to reconcile rather than divorce. Even if divorce is the end result, the spirit of cooperation gained through the mediation process greatly benefits the couple’s post-divorce relationship, which is especially important when children are involved. Unfortunately, not enough people consider mediation when their marriage is on the brink. If they did, it’s possible that more marriages could be saved. Now that you know what drives the divorce machine, you might wonder whether certain people are more susceptible to its influence than others. And the answer is yes.
The Walkaway Wife Syndrome
Although divorce offers the illusion of happiness to people of all ages, races, and personality types, there is one group that is particularly susceptible to the sound of the divorce siren. It’s women. Approximately two thirds of the divorces in our country are filed for by women. What’s going on here? Why are so many women throwing in the towel? In the early years of marriage, women are usually the primary caretakers of the relationship. They’re the ones who are doing a daily temperature check; “Have we had enough closeness today,?” “Are we spending enough time together,?” “Do we feel connected emotionally?” If the answer to these questions is,”Yes,” life goes on. If not, women pursue for more closeness. They tell their husbands, “You don’t value our relationship anymore,” “We never do anything together,” “Why do you always put work ahead of me?” Often, instead of recognizing their wives need for more closeness, men simply feel nagged and withdraw, emotionally and sometimes physically. Because of this unresponsiveness, even hostility, women become frustrated. They soon try another approach- complaining about their partners’ lack of involvement about everything else in their lives. “I feel like a single parent,” “You are such a couch potato,” “Why don’t you ever lift a finger around the house? I do everything myself.” Although they are still only trying to get their spouses’ attention, men recoil big time. (I’ve never met a man who comes closer to his wife as a result of being “nagged,” no matter what his wife’s intentions!) After months or years of this negative interaction, women finally give up. They tell themselves, “I’ve tried everything. Divorce has got to be better than this. I’ll find somebody who cares about me. Even if I don’t, I’m so alone in this marriage, I can’t take it anymore. I know I’ll be happier without him.” And, with that, they plan their escape. Now, the interesting thing about this escape plan is that leaving usually hinges on a particular event which may take years to materialize. For example, “I’ll leave my husband when the kids leave home,” or “I’ll get a divorce when I go back to school and learn new skills so I can support myself,” or “I’m going to meet another man and as soon as I do, I will be out of here.” And now comes the tricky part.
In the months, years that follow her decision, the wife is no longer trying to fix the marriage. She stops complaining. To her, this surrender to the inevitable is definitely a bad thing. To him, well, you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out what the husband thinks. He’s thrilled! She’s off his back. She must be happy again, or so he thinks and he proceeds with business as usual. Business as usual, that is, until “D Day”. That’s the day she turns to him and says, “I want a divorce,” to which her absolutely devastated husband replies, “ I had no idea you were unhappy! Why didn’t you tell me?” With that response, the marital coffin is nailed shut. The tragedy of this situation is that this is the point at which most men finally understand the depth of their wives’ unhappiness and want to make genuine changes in themselves. They are willing to do back flips to keep their marriages/families together. They are finally ready to do the kind of soul-searching that would make having a great marriage possible.
But by that point, most women have built an impenetrable wall around them, one that is impervious to men’s efforts to change. And it’s divorce, full speed ahead. If more women knew the truth about divorce, they might not be so quick to dismiss their husband’s offers to become better people and partners. They might actually stick around long enough to find out if their husbands really mean what they say about changing.
The Anytime Mid-life Crisis
Don’t get me wrong. Men get lured by the divorce trap too. They get fooled into believing that life would be better if only they were single, had more and better sex, more adoration, fewer responsibilities and obligations, more nights out with the guys, less “henpecking” and so on. Many otherwise sane, moral, responsible men wake up one morning and start to question their very being. They scrutinize their lives. They feel something is missing. They’re not happy. In fact, they’re downright depressed and withdrawn. Sometimes they can’t put a finger on it. There’s just a gnawing sense that something is wrong and a growing urgency to do something about it. And though they really aren’t sure what’s ailing them, they convince themselves they need to leave their marriages to find out. Other times, men think they know what’s at the root of their unhappiness. “I hate all this responsibility. Life is short, I don’t want to feel so burdened all the time.” “I got married for the wrong reasons- she was pregnant, we were too young, I was desperate to get out of my house, I felt pressured by her.” “She’s always so rejecting and critical. I want to find someone who appreciates me.” “Our sex life has been non-existent, I don’t want to live like this anymore.” “My father died a few months ago and it made me realize that I don’t want to be in a marriage where there is conflict.”
Perhaps these rationales sound familiar. Can you say mid-life crisis? If your husband is between 40-50, and he’s developed a recent interest in working out, eating healthfully, buying new clothes, and has been eyeing that proverbial red convertible, (or some other, less expensive boy toy) you might have already suspected a mid-life crisis. And you may be right! But it’s been my experience that men can have what’s been termed a “mid-life” crisis at almost any time in their lives. In fact, even men in their 20’s have been known to feel despondent about their lot in life and start fantasizing about greener pastures. Although they don’t have balding heads, expanding waistlines, and wrinkles with which to do psychological battle, these younger men are, nonetheless, acutely aware of the happiness clock ticking speedily away. Rather than confront or fix what’s wrong in their lives or in their marriages, many of these men try to free themselves from their depression and anxiety by picking up and leaving.
Wives of these men try to talk sense into them. They give them books about mid-life crises. They cut out magazine articles and leave them around the house. They recruit friends to talk to their husbands. They pull out wedding pictures to jar memories of happier times. When that doesn’t work, they urge their husbands to see a therapist about depression. They leave pamphlets about clinical depression strewn on desks or beside toilet seats, where the reading material is piled. But alas, none of these desperate attempts to defog their divorce-prone men seems to make a dent. In fact, the urge to escape becomes even stronger.
Beating the odds
If reading about the pervasiveness of the divorce trap has made you pessimistic or overwhelmed, don’t be. No matter how rough your situation might be, you can beat the odds! YOU CAN SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!
In recent years, we’ve learned a ton about why some couples are able to keep their love alive while others aren’t. And it all boils down to one thing- skills, relationship skills. How you handle conflict, how you communicate, how you problem-solve- all determine how strong or fragile your love bond will be. Unfortunately, most of us never learned these skills from our parents. So how in the world should we know what to do when things get rocky? If your partner hasn’t been loving, affectionate or communicative, it’s probably because he or she doesn’t know how. If you’ve been unsuccessful in getting through to your spouse and getting more love in your life, it’s not because your spouse is evil, it’s just because you need better tools to reach him or her.
You have to do some work with the tools. It probably took years for your marriage to reach this point and repairing the damage will take time. If you are an impatient person by nature- when you want something, you want it now- you are going to have to work on yourself to slow down. At this point, patience is more than a virtue, it’s a necessity. Right now, you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.
If we can put men on the moon, eliminate life-threatening diseases, develop a vast network of world-wide communication, surely we can figure out a way to keep love alive.
7 Steps to Saving Your Marriage
1. Start with a Beginner’s Mind- Free yourself from the change-defeating kind of thinking that plagues all of us from time to time. Replace these unproductive thoughts with new and more creative ideas that will assist you in accomplishing the goals you have for your marriage.
2. Know What You Want- Identify your marriage-saving goals. Although you may think you already know what they are, you don’t. You haven’t been specific enough.
3. Ask for What You Want- Approach your spouse with your newly developed goals.
4. Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels- Figure out which strategies you’ve been using that have been backfiring and making your life miserable. This will help you redirect your energies to doing things that are more productive.
5. Experiment and Monitor Results- Learn techniques for getting through to the spouse you love.
6. Taking Stock- Stand back for a moment and evaluate how much progress you’ve made since you’ve started the program. Once you’re clearer about how far you’ve come, you’ll know exactly what you need to do to reach your goals.
7. Keeping The Positive Changes Going- Make your changes permanent. Prevent minor setbacks from becoming a spiraling downward trend.
And Allah alone grant success.
Wassalaam
adapted from The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis
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