بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
The nest of family love is like a nest of birds. When it is the right time to fly, the young will fly away, as is the way of life. Parents must deal with the absence of family, friends, and love when children have flown from the nest of their family to build their own.
Empty nest syndrome is a psychological condition that affects principally women, producing grief when one or more of the children leave home. Most commonly it occurs when children leave for school, college, or university (usually late summer and autumn), or when children marry and leave home to live with their spouse. Empty nest syndrome often coincides with other major events in life, such as menopause, illness, or retirement. It impacts women in particular because motherhood is viewed as a primary role for both working and stay-at-home moms, and a role to which women dedicate themselves as a principal responsibility for an average of 20 years. A child leaving can precipitate a feeling of redundancy, accompanied by feeling lost, unworthy, and unsure about the future. Feeling sad and crying a little is a normal, healthy reaction to be expected of any parent; after all, it is a big change. It becomes a problem when you have feelings that stand in the way of your life, such as thinking that your life is no longer worthwhile, you're unable to stop crying excessively, and you're unable to resume a normal life of seeing friends, getting out and about, or resuming some activities that get you back into the swing of things.
At some level, each of us experiences loneliness during our years as a mother. And when our children leave home, the adjusting to the loneliness of the empty nest can be an especially difficult task.
First of all shift aside any terrifying thoughts. Both you and your children will be better off if you treat this as a big adventure.
It is helpful to recognize that we go through different seasons in life. There’s the season of being single, of being a newlywed, of raising young children, and of parenting teens. And the empty nest season. And finally there are the golden years at the twilight of life.
Seasons aren’t purely biological; interspersed through life are seasons of loss, seasons of pain, seasons of stress, seasons of joy. It’s helpful to look at life in terms of seasons. Every season will have unique challenges and each season will have unique blessings. We all remember the challenges of the infant years: sleep deprivation and a lack of appreciation. It’s a rare for a four-year-old who says, “Mommy you are doing such a good job of raising me. Thank you!”
But those years also hold unique blessings. It’s helpful to articulate the challenges and then choose to focus on the blessings of each distinct season. When we define the challenges, they are normal after all. When we are intentional in looking for the blessings, we discover the joys that Allah has prepared for us. It’s important to remember that no season lasts forever. So when the season arrived, we are prepared for it to the best of our ability and even if we are not prepared for it, go with it and move on. You can handle it. And remember,
لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا
Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. [Qur'an, Al-Baqarah 2:286]
There are some challenges but we don’t want to remain stuck in the challenges. Instead, we want to focus on the benefits of this season. Yet, no matter what our current challenge is, the place to begin is with Allah. Run to Allah.
At different times every one of us will get stuck. We’ll feel blue, we’ll experience loneliness, we’ll be anxious about the future. It isn’t just being in the empty nest, it’s being in transition. Moving from one season to another is uncomfortable and awkward. In fact, as much as we’d like to think stability is the norm in life, actually we spend more time in transition.
Where do we go in a time of transition? Our inclination can be to run to our husbands, our mothers, even friends. We might try to hold onto our children in an unhealthy way—unhealthy for them and for us. Or, our tendency can be to wallow in our loneliness. While others can be helpful, ultimately it is Allah alone who will offer comfort and help us move forward.
Acknowledge your grief. It doesn't matter what other people think or say about getting on with it. Unacknowledged grief will gnaw away at you if you don't face it and let yourself be upset for a time. Allow the grief to work through your system.
You'll feel a sense of loneliness and emptiness when they're gone because you can't just turn around and tell them the things as you always used to do. Keeping up constant communications is vital for maintaining a sense of family togetherness and to keep up with the news.
Focus on some of the positive points of your kids moving out. Focusing on some of the positive changes resulting from your children moving out can ease the sense of loss considerably when you weigh up what you've gained. While this doesn't belittle the importance of your sadness and the big transition you and your children are going through, it does help you to try to see the brighter side of your future.
Start looking to your own needs. Once you're satisfied that you've set your child on the right path, the busyness will wear off and you'll start noticing the big change in your life. The way in which you choose to perceive this change will color your feelings and approach to it – if you see it as a gaping hole, you'll feel much more miserable than if you choose to see it as an opportunity to revive some of your own interests and pursuits.
It's pretty common to find mothers put deep female friendships on hold for several years as they focus on their kids. It is now time to move out of that isolation and into community. Even though you might be unusually close to your husband, sometimes he couldn’t really relate to how you are feeling. You need some other women; they would understand. Simply being able to share honestly what is going on in your life and listening to other women can actually helped you feel normal again.
One of the great blessings of the empty nest is that we now have time to hang out with friends. If we are out of practice, it may be awkward at first, but take the plunge. There are rich relationships out there for you inshaa Allah. But choose your friends well. It is extremely important to choose and have good companions. Such a companion will remind you of Allah and help you follow the straight path, the path of those upon whom Allah has bestowed favor, not of those who have evoked His anger or of those who are astray.
Allah calls upon the believer to fear Him and tells us how we can accomplish that--by being with the truthful--those who are true in what they say and what they do.
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ ٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّـهَ وَكُونُوا۟ مَعَ ٱلصَّـٰدِقِينَ ﴿١١٩
O you who believe, fear Allah and be with those who are true (in words and deeds).
[Qur'an At-Tawba 9:119]
The formula is simple. If your friends are of the righteous, they will pull you towards what is good and encourage you to do what is pleasing to Allah, that which will take you to Paradise, by the Mercy of Allah. If your friends are of those who are heedless of Allah, they will pull you towards what is bad and encourage you to do what is pleasing to Shaytan, that which can lead you to the Hellfire.
"Do not keep company except with a believer, and do not feed except a person who has taqwa (fear of Allah)." [Abu Dawood, Tirmidhi]
May Allah grant us and our children great openings. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
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