The Divorce Trap

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate

Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

People who are unhappy in their marriages often speak of feeling trapped. They yearn to be free from the tension, loneliness, constant arguments or deafening silence but worry that divorce may not be the right decision. After all, they took their marital vows seriously. They don’t want to hurt their spouses. They don’t want to hurt their children. They panic at the thought of being alone. They worry about finances. They fear the unknown. 

Yet, the idea of living in a loveless marriage starts to feel like a death sentence. They feel caught between a rock and a hard place…trapped in a life of misery. Over time, many of these people slowly convince themselves that the benefits of leaving their marriages vastly outweigh the benefits of staying. They tell themselves, “Kids are resilient, they’ll bounce back,” or “In the long run, this will be better for everyone,” or “Sure, it will be hard for a while, but change is good for people, or “Anything has got to be better than this.”

It’s not until they embark on the path to divorce and begin to piece their lives back together that they discover the real price they paid for their so-called “freedom”. Regretfully, this painful discovery comes too late. They have fallen into the divorce trap.

The divorce trap seduces over one million people each year. It promises peace and tranquility. It offers a fresh start, a second chance at romance, contentment, and self-discovery. It lures people into its grip by offering assurances that walking out the door can eliminate life’s seemingly insurmountable problems. When you’re desperately unhappy, these so-called guarantees are hard to resist. But there are good reasons for doing so. If you or someone you love is contemplating divorce you will want to know the truth about divorce -- the intense pain and despair that lingers for years. Times when every birthday, holiday, marriage of the couple's child, birth of a grandchild, or other causes for celebration have been nothing more but painful reminders of a divorce. There are the triggering of unpredictable, hurtful events such the total rejection by the children of the parent seeking the divorce. There are children who, even after many years following the divorce and after their parents’ subsequent marriages, still want to know if mom and dad will ever get back together. 

Now, with rampant divorce and disposal marriages, it isn’t a matter of people keeping their marriages together because they can, it’s a matter of people making their marriages work because they should.

Divorce stinks! Why? Recent findings about the long-term effects of divorce speak for themselves. 



* Except in very extreme conflict-ridden families- and most families do not fit this criterion- children are better off when their parents stay married. 



* Children are more likely to finish school and avoid problems such as teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, and delinquent behavior. Plus, they are more likely to have good marriages themselves. 



* Even if a parent is happier as a result of divorce, there is no “trickle down effect.” Children still struggle emotionally regardless of how the parent feels.

* Married men make better fathers. They are more likely to provide guidance, role modeling, and financial support.

* Marriage is good for most adults. As compared to single, widowed or divorced people, married people are healthier, have better sex lives, they engage in fewer high-risk activities such as substance abuse, they live longer and they are happier!

* Depression is almost three times as prevalent in women who divorce once, and four times as prevalent in women who divorce twice than in women who have never divorced. 



* A random sample of over 8,600 adults revealed the percentages of those who felt lonely. The results are as follows.

Marital status and % reporting loneliness:

Married- 4.6 

Never Married- 14.5
Divorced 20.4
Widowed- 20.6
Separated- 29.6 (Page and Cole)



* Those in healthy marriages tend to be better, more productive employees. Married men miss work less often.

* Divorce increases the cost of many public health and social service programs. Single-parent households often mean children are raised in poverty or on public aid. 



* A single mother’s standard of living almost always decreases significantly after divorce. 



* As compared to 50% of first marriages that end in divorce, 60% of second marriages end in divorce.

Many people considering divorce say they wish they could have a crystal ball that would allow them to see into the future. Actually, the crystal ball is here for the taking. Research has enabled us to be “clairvoyant.” But many people choose to ignore or discount the facts because they’ve been hoodwinked into believing that divorce provides answers to an unhappy marriage. But how are myths about divorce being perpetuated? 

The divorce trap is a powerful conspiracy that is invisible to the naked eye. Like carbon dioxide, the odorless killer, the divorce trap is an insidious influence, invading your thoughts without your knowing it.

What are the forces behind the divorce trap.

Well-meaning friends and family

Oddly enough, some of the people nearest and dearest to you are part of the problem. This is not to say that they don’t have your best interest at heart. They do. They love you. They can’t stand to see you in pain. More than anyone, they know you and know how much you deserve happiness in your life. Their caring is genuine. Why then, do I say that your loved ones can be misdirecting you? 



The Biased Shoulder 


When you share your unhappiness with loved ones, what they hear is your side of the story, and your side only. Even though your feelings about your spouse and marriage are valid, they are, nonetheless, biased. Needless to say, if your spouse were in on the conversation, the story about your marriage would take a not-so-slight different turn. But the people who love you don’t care about objectivity; they want you to feel better. Although this makes perfect sense, the end result is that the people in whom you are confiding, offer potentially life-changing advice without a complete set of facts. If you follow that advice, you may create an even bigger rift in your marriage.

Protectors and rescuers

Another reason friends and family can increase the odds you will be divorce-bound is that, because they can’t bear to see you in pain, they will steer you to what they think is the quickest escape from the emotional torture. They convince themselves and then you that, since your spouse is the problem, get rid of him or her. “Just leave. You don’t deserve this. Just get out.” 

But you need to be aware of a couple of things when you listen to this advice.

First of all, although your friends and family care about you, their advice is also self-serving. It will make them feel better if you aren’t so sad. It will be a relief for them when you stop crying or feeling so torn. They want an end to this unhappiness. Problem is, if you follow their advice and make them feel better, you’ll be divorced and supporting yourself (and your kids), changing your lifestyle, making adjustments, and starting all over, they won’t. Even if your loved ones are already divorced and believe that their divorce has improved lives dramatically, it doesn’t mean that you will feel this way too. No two people are alike.

 Second, this whole idea – get rid of your partner and leave your troubles behind- is about the most absurd notion I’ve ever heard.

To begin with, if you have children, unless your partner is the kind of person who will leave the planet, never to be heard of again, don’t count on getting rid of your spouse. When children are involved, there is no such thing as divorce. Your spouse will be in your life forever. And I mean forever. You’ll be in constant communication about visitation, decisions about your children’s welfare, holidays, money, vacations, issues pertaining to the relationship between the children and new male or female friends/marital partners. The list is endless.

One woman wrote, 

I’ve been divorced for twenty-three years. When I decided to get a divorce I never thought about the fact that my ex would be in my life forever. I realized that we would be in touch weekly because of our kids, but I guess I thought that when the kids got older, he would just disappear from my life. And here it is, my grown daughter is about to give birth next week and for the first time, I realized that my ex and I are going to be “the grandparents” together. What was I thinking?” Spouses don’t disappear. 

Spouses don’t disappear with a divorce and neither do your problems. Although it may be true that a person is hard to get along with, the truth is, when you’re experiencing marital problems it’s almost always the result of how two people interact. In other words, in a marriage, two people develop relationship habits, and if you leave, you take your habits with you when you go. Ever hear the expression, “Everywhere you go, there you are.”? Well, it’s true.

And the sad part about all this is, when you divorce your spouse, you will feel relieved momentarily to be free of his/her presence, but if and when you remarry, you will enter her new relationship unenlightened about how to deal with the differences that naturally occur between any two people. That’s because you ran away from your relationship problems rather than solved or learned from them. And since you failed to see your role in the demise of your relationship, you are destined to make one of two mistakes. 



The first is to marry someone similar to your ex and recreate the exact same problems. The second is to fool yourself thinking marriage will be infinitely easier if you marry someone who is totally different from your ex (say a controlling ex husband). So you purposely sought out a man who is gentle and laid back. At first, it felt like your life’s dream. You don't have to walk on eggshells because no one is looking over your shoulder. You didn’t have to be afraid to voice your feelings because he will listen rather than criticize. You felt you could be yourself for the first time in years. 

Time passed and now you felt that your laid-back, gentle man was wimpy and unmotivated. He made less money than your first husband. He wasn’t overly ambitious. You disliked that you now had to help him support the children financially. When you asked him what he wanted to do on weekends, he always said, “I don’t care, it’s up to you.” Although you always used to appreciate his easy-going attitude, now you are frustrated by his indecisiveness. When you talked to him about your feelings, he got emotional and cried. Maybe before you wanted to avoid feeling controlled in your life, but this was more than you bargained for. Rather than find productive ways to get through to your husband and get more of your needs met, you found yourself thinking about divorce once again. And as before, you reassured yourself that the problems in your marriage had nothing to do with you. 



The obvious lesson here is that when a marriage fails, no matter how tempting it might be to put all the blame on one spouse’s shoulders, both spouses have contributed to its downfall.

Look, we all need people on our side, people who will stand by us no matter what. But before you are too quick to heed the advice of your personal fans, you must remember this. Their opinions are biased. They can’t always see the forest for the trees. If you leave conversations feeling supported but solutionless, be wary. You might be in the midst of being initiated into the divorce trap’s steering committee.

Well-meaning Therapists

Often people recognize that friends and family can be biased and, for that reason, decide to seek professional help for their marriage. Unfortunately, going to a therapist when you are having marital problems doesn’t guarantee you will leave with your marriage intact. Some therapists believe that when a marriage stops being fulfilling or nurturing, it’s time to move on. They see divorce as a challenging, yet viable solution to marriage’s many problems. They appreciate the impact of divorce on children, but they prefer to focus on children’s resiliency and their ability to adjust. Although they might initially try to help couples beyond their differences, if the path to solution is rocky, they are quick to suggest calling it quits. They see divorce as a rite of passage. But why? 

To begin with, you need to know that, first and foremost, therapists are people. No matter how well trained they may be, what you get when you seek therapy is the person behind the therapist.

All people have life experiences that help shape who they are, their beliefs, their values, their morals, and their interests, and therapists are no exception. It’s literally impossible for therapists to check their values and perspectives at the door at the start of a therapy session.

 A therapist’s views about marriage are influenced by many things, including the quality of his or her own parent’s marriage. For example, if the therapist’s parents had a highly combative marriage and made no attempt to improve things, making it miserable for the kids, the therapist might believe that people are better off divorcing when there is tension and steer the sessions in that direction. If a therapist’s father had affairs and the therapist observed the hurt that it caused in the family, he might believe that marriages can not heal after infidelity. If a therapist grew up with two parents who calmly talked things out when there was trouble, and if you and your mate have a more hotheaded problem-solving style, she might believe that you are incompatible or that your marriage is dysfunctional, and might suggest you separate. This is unfortunate because research shows that many hot-headed couples love each other to death and manage to solve problems just as well as those who are more controlled. If, in growing up, a therapist’s had a really stormy relationship with her father, it’s possible that she might have negative feelings about men and continually side with the woman in the couple. This sort of bias is never productive and likely to result in insurmountable resistance on the part of the man who feels out-numbered, or in his dropping out of therapy, neither of which bodes well for the marriage. In short, therapists can’t separate who they are from what they do.

Remember marriage is sacred.

 Problems aren’t roadblocks, just bumps in the road. 

Anyone who has suffered in a marriage over a long period of time will, by definition, feel despondent. Hopelessness as a normal reaction to a painful situation rather than a telltale sign about the marriage’s future. Once you can find workable solutions, the hopelessness will vanish. Hopelessness shouldn't derail you.

The Media Myth-Makers

Hollywood can not be faulted for offering unrealistic portrayals of what really goes on behind closed doors. After all, it’s their job to entertain, not educate us. Yet, in a media-saturated society, it’s hard not to be influenced by the images with which we are bombarded- perfect hard bodies, impassioned, breathless sex, and heart-stopping romance. If our relationships don’t quite measure up, we start to think we’re being short-changed, and want to upgrade to the new and improved model. 

But the truth is, good marriages can be incredibly boring. There’s nothing sexy about making dinner, paying bills, caring for elderly parents, changing diapers, and chauffeuring kids to soccer games. There’s nothing titillating about sitting together in silence while one person watches television and the other reads. No major box-office hit here! The really good things about marriage- the comfort spouses feel in each other’s presence, the unspoken glances that speak volumes, the little things people do for each other, the certainty that they will wake up next to each other in bed every morning- are about as compelling to watch as watching paint dry. That’s why realism is in short supply on the silver screen. It wouldn’t sell. 

Nowadays, if Hollywood isn’t busy glamorizing marriage, it’s busy taking the sting out of divorce, another realism-zapper. Sitcoms, movies and cartoons depicting non-traditional families are the norm. And everyone seems to be doing just fine. The message is clear- the nuclear family is a thing of the past and we’re no worse for the wear. Viewers aren’t exposed to the real trials and tribulations of blending families or of raising children as a single parent. We don’t see the War-of-Roses-type arguments that often occur between spouses as they pit their biological children against their step-children. We’re not told how these arguments often account for the fact that 60% of second marriages end in divorce. We don’t hear about the poverty and other challenges that often accompany single parenthood, especially for women.

Television makes life after divorce seem easy. 

Beyond making marriage look more glamorous than life, and divorce less noxious than in reality, the media biases people’s perspective about marriage by being obsessed with bad news.

Imagine for a moment, that instead of all the doom-and-gloom predictions about marriage, we were inundated with love’s success stories. We’d read in-depth interviews about couples who have been married fifty years or more, we’d learn of data about those who have risen above difficult marital problems such as infidelity and about the hundreds of thousands of couples whose lives have been changed by taking a simple marriage education course. We’d receive updated information about the ways in which long-term marriage benefits men, women, children and society as a whole. Just think about how our collective unconsciousness might be altered if the media spent a fraction of the time investigating why marriage works instead of informing and warning us about the death of marriage. 


The Legal System

“If there is one lawyer in town, he will starve to death. If there are two, both will make a good living.” 



Sometimes, when people are unhappy in their marriages and unsure about whether they should leave or not, they go to an attorney to check out their rights and get a peak into their future as a single person. This, in and of itself, is not a bad idea, but there are some things you should know about the divorce process before you pick up the phone. 

When you go to a divorce attorney, what you get is someone who specializes in the divorce process, not reconciliation. People often seek legal advice, not because they are 100% sure they want to divorce, but because they want to gather information and feel that they are protecting themselves. Although many attorneys pick up on people’s ambivalence and suggest counseling, this is not necessarily always the case. It’s their job to facilitate a divorce, not to suggest reconciliation. Besides, the thinking goes that by the time you schedule an appointment with an attorney, you have already considered all the alternatives and you are ready to terminate your marriage. 

Once you start the legal ball rolling, it becomes your lawyer’s primary responsibility to get you “a fair deal” which translates to “the best possible deal”; the most money, the most time with your children, the least amount of interference from your ex-spouse and so on. They’re ethically bound to operate from this premise; it’s their job. The problem is, your spouse’s attorney is charged with the same responsibility. The end result is that the divorce process becomes extremely adversarial. It’s you against your spouse.

Divorces are part of our adversary process. By design, the system pits one party against the other. The theory is that the decision-maker (the judge) has the benefit of the most persuasive argument from each side and the attack by cross-examination reveals the weaknesses of each side’s position. Though this may be an effective way to make decisions in commercial and criminal cases, it certainly is not appropriate for the troubled family. It pits husband against wife, mother against father and hostility escalates into the ultimate war, the trial. 

Although protecting oneself is important, sometimes the very things you do to protect your personal interests, jeopardize the slightest hope that you and your partner will remain civil to one another, let alone reconsider reconciliation.

Divorce attorneys are hired to “win” and rather than consider a particular legal act’s implications on future relationship dynamics. 

Divorce attorneys clearly understand that divorce is as much a psychological war, as it is a legal war. That part of the process called "discovery" gives attorneys the tools with which to attack the opponent and to gain psychological as well as legal advantage. Depositions (examinations before trial) of friends, family and business associates, production of tons of documents, scrutinizing personal activities, and evaluation and criticism of each spouse’s role as parent, are all part of the tactics used to bring your opponent to their knees.

Divorce-Without-War



If, for example, in your heated discussions about the possibility of divorce, it becomes clear that both you and your spouse want full custody of your children, you will be in for a battle sure to make whatever positive feelings you might have had about your spouse vanish. You will be asked to compile as much information as you possibly can that will, not only portray you as the more fit parent, but, at the same time, portray your spouse as inept. To boost your case and comply with your attorney’s requests, you scrutinize your memories for all of your partner’s faults and failures both as a parent and as a co-parent. This biased jaunt down memory lane distorts your perception and robs you of any lingering feelings of appreciation for a shared history. And, to make matters worse, once you learn of your partner’s portrayal of your shortcomings as a parent, the outrage you feel reconfirms in your own mind why you have been considering divorce in the first place. 

Concern about the long-term damage done to relationships and families because of the adversarial nature of the legal process has prompted an alternative for those considering divorce- mediation. Mediation is a non-adversarial process involving an impartial third party who helps couples problem-solve, communicate more effectively and reach mutually agreed upon resolutions that are in the best interests of the family. 

Although the goal of mediation is not reconciliation, nor should it be confused with marriage counseling, because of the collaborative nature of the process and its focus on building communication skills, couples opting for mediation often decide to reconcile rather than divorce. Even if divorce is the end result, the spirit of cooperation gained through the mediation process greatly benefits the couple’s post-divorce relationship, which is especially important when children are involved. Unfortunately, not enough people consider mediation when their marriage is on the brink. If they did, it’s possible that more marriages could be saved. 

Now that you know what drives the divorce machine, you might wonder whether certain people are more susceptible to its influence than others. And the answer is yes. 


The Walkaway Wife Syndrome

Although divorce offers the illusion of happiness to people of all ages, races, and personality types, there is one group that is particularly susceptible to the sound of the divorce siren. It’s women. Approximately two thirds of the divorces in our country are filed for by women. What’s going on here? Why are so many women throwing in the towel? 

In the early years of marriage, women are usually the primary caretakers of the relationship. They’re the ones who are doing a daily temperature check; “Have we had enough closeness today,?” “Are we spending enough time together,?” “Do we feel connected emotionally?” If the answer to these questions is,”Yes,” life goes on. If not, women pursue for more closeness. They tell their husbands, “You don’t value our relationship anymore,” “We never do anything together,” “Why do you always put work ahead of me?” Often, instead of recognizing their wives need for more closeness, men simply feel nagged and withdraw, emotionally and sometimes physically. 

Because of this unresponsiveness, even hostility, women become frustrated. They soon try another approach- complaining about their partners’ lack of involvement about everything else in their lives. “I feel like a single parent,” “You are such a couch potato,” “Why don’t you ever lift a finger around the house? I do everything myself.” Although they are still only trying to get their spouses’ attention, men recoil big time. (I’ve never met a man who comes closer to his wife as a result of being “nagged,” no matter what his wife’s intentions!) After months or years of this negative interaction, women finally give up. They tell themselves, “I’ve tried everything. Divorce has got to be better than this. I’ll find somebody who cares about me. Even if I don’t, I’m so alone in this marriage, I can’t take it anymore. I know I’ll be happier without him.” And, with that, they plan their escape. 

Now, the interesting thing about this escape plan is that leaving usually hinges on a particular event which may take years to materialize. For example, “I’ll leave my husband when the kids leave home,” or “I’ll get a divorce when I go back to school and learn new skills so I can support myself,” or “I’m going to meet another man and as soon as I do, I will be out of here.” And now comes the tricky part.



In the months, years that follow her decision, the wife is no longer trying to fix the marriage. She stops complaining. To her, this surrender to the inevitable is definitely a bad thing. To him, well, you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out what the husband thinks. He’s thrilled! She’s off his back. She must be happy again, or so he thinks and he proceeds with business as usual. Business as usual, that is, until “D Day”. That’s the day she turns to him and says, “I want a divorce,” to which her absolutely devastated husband replies, “ I had no idea you were unhappy! Why didn’t you tell me?” With that response, the marital coffin is nailed shut. 

The tragedy of this situation is that this is the point at which most men finally understand the depth of their wives’ unhappiness and want to make genuine changes in themselves. They are willing to do back flips to keep their marriages/families together. They are finally ready to do the kind of soul-searching that would make having a great marriage possible.

But by that point, most women have built an impenetrable wall around them, one that is impervious to men’s efforts to change. And it’s divorce, full speed ahead. If more women knew the truth about divorce, they might not be so quick to dismiss their husband’s offers to become better people and partners. They might actually stick around long enough to find out if their husbands really mean what they say about changing.

The Anytime Mid-life Crisis 


Don’t get me wrong. Men get lured by the divorce trap too. They get fooled into believing that life would be better if only they were single, had more and better sex, more adoration, fewer responsibilities and obligations, more nights out with the guys, less “henpecking” and so on. Many otherwise sane, moral, responsible men wake up one morning and start to question their very being. They scrutinize their lives. They feel something is missing. They’re not happy. In fact, they’re downright depressed and withdrawn. Sometimes they can’t put a finger on it. There’s just a gnawing sense that something is wrong and a growing urgency to do something about it. And though they really aren’t sure what’s ailing them, they convince themselves they need to leave their marriages to find out. 

Other times, men think they know what’s at the root of their unhappiness. “I hate all this responsibility. Life is short, I don’t want to feel so burdened all the time.” “I got married for the wrong reasons- she was pregnant, we were too young, I was desperate to get out of my house, I felt pressured by her.” “She’s always so rejecting and critical. I want to find someone who appreciates me.” “Our sex life has been non-existent, I don’t want to live like this anymore.” “My father died a few months ago and it made me realize that I don’t want to be in a marriage where there is conflict.”

Perhaps these rationales sound familiar. Can you say mid-life crisis? If your husband is between 40-50, and he’s developed a recent interest in working out, eating healthfully, buying new clothes, and has been eyeing that proverbial red convertible, (or some other, less expensive boy toy) you might have already suspected a mid-life crisis. And you may be right! But it’s been my experience that men can have what’s been termed a “mid-life” crisis at almost any time in their lives. In fact, even men in their 20’s have been known to feel despondent about their lot in life and start fantasizing about greener pastures. Although they don’t have balding heads, expanding waistlines, and wrinkles with which to do psychological battle, these younger men are, nonetheless, acutely aware of the happiness clock ticking speedily away. Rather than confront or fix what’s wrong in their lives or in their marriages, many of these men try to free themselves from their depression and anxiety by picking up and leaving. 



Wives of these men try to talk sense into them. They give them books about mid-life crises. They cut out magazine articles and leave them around the house. They recruit friends to talk to their husbands. They pull out wedding pictures to jar memories of happier times. When that doesn’t work, they urge their husbands to see a therapist about depression. They leave pamphlets about clinical depression strewn on desks or beside toilet seats, where the reading material is piled. But alas, none of these desperate attempts to defog their divorce-prone men seems to make a dent. In fact, the urge to escape becomes even stronger.

Beating the odds 


If reading about the pervasiveness of the divorce trap has made you pessimistic or overwhelmed, don’t be. No matter how rough your situation might be, you can beat the odds! YOU CAN SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!

In recent years, we’ve learned a ton about why some couples are able to keep their love alive while others aren’t. And it all boils down to one thing- skills, relationship skills. How you handle conflict, how you communicate, how you problem-solve- all determine how strong or fragile your love bond will be. 

Unfortunately, most of us never learned these skills from our parents. So how in the world should we know what to do when things get rocky? If your partner hasn’t been loving, affectionate or communicative, it’s probably because he or she doesn’t know how. If you’ve been unsuccessful in getting through to your spouse and getting more love in your life, it’s not because your spouse is evil, it’s just because you need better tools to reach him or her.

You have to do some work with the tools. It probably took years for your marriage to reach this point and repairing the damage will take time. If you are an impatient person by nature- when you want something, you want it now- you are going to have to work on yourself to slow down. At this point, patience is more than a virtue, it’s a necessity. Right now, you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

If we can put men on the moon, eliminate life-threatening diseases, develop a vast network of world-wide communication, surely we can figure out a way to keep love alive.

7 Steps to Saving Your Marriage

1. Start with a Beginner’s Mind- Free yourself from the change-defeating kind of thinking that plagues all of us from time to time. Replace these unproductive thoughts with new and more creative ideas that will assist you in accomplishing the goals you have for your marriage.

2. Know What You Want- Identify your marriage-saving goals. Although you may think you already know what they are, you don’t. You haven’t been specific enough.

3. Ask for What You Want- Approach your spouse with your newly developed goals.

4. Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels- Figure out which strategies you’ve been using that have been backfiring and making your life miserable. This will help you redirect your energies to doing things that are more productive. 



5. Experiment and Monitor Results- Learn techniques for getting through to the spouse you love.

6. Taking Stock- Stand back for a moment and evaluate how much progress you’ve made since you’ve started the program. Once you’re clearer about how far you’ve come, you’ll know exactly what you need to do to reach your goals.

7. Keeping The Positive Changes Going- Make your changes permanent. Prevent minor setbacks from becoming a spiraling downward trend.

And Allah alone grant success.

Wassalaam

adapted from The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis