بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
Our children are slipping from our hands and many don't realize it until some calamity or tragedy befall them. For those parents who are mindful, there is nothing much we can do to stop it except give your utmost effort to prevent it, and even if they slipped away, say inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un (Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return) and be patient and move on.
وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ ﴿١٥٥﴾ الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ قَالُوا إِنَّا لِلَّـهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ ﴿١٥٦﴾ أُولَـٰئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَاتٌ مِّن رَّبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌ ۖ وَأُولَـٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُهْتَدُونَ ﴿١٥٧
And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, (155) Who, when disaster strikes them, say, "Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return." (156) Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided. (157) [Qur'an, Al-Baqarah 2:156]
We can tell our children 'do this' and 'do that', it is is good for you, or "don't do this" and "don't do that", "it is bad, it is going to hurt you or even kill you", until you raise your blood pressure (and that might kill you first), but they will not get it because their perception of fun and glitter is different from those who are raised in a true Islamic home and environment. Also, our children today are not like our parents of many decades ago. Those parents "listen and obey" their parents and they had a village of real people to watch over them. They lived around people who understood the command of commanding good and forbidding evil. Our parents would get reprimanded or reported to their parents if they did something wrong or made a mistake. In contrast, our children today live in a free society; they live in a culture that essentially tells them that they have the right to live their own lives the way they want to, and they also lack good role models but have plenty of corrupt ones to guide them.
Narrated by Jabir ibn Abdullah: Allah's Messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said:
My example and your example is that of a person who lit the fire and insects and moths began to fall in it and he would be making efforts to take them out, and I am going to hold you back from fire, but you are slipping from my hand. (Muslim)
When the fire was lit, the moths and insects fell in; the wisdom behind choosing the parable of moths and insects is their weakness and their inability to choose what is beneficial to what is harmful. If there is a light in the house the moth will go directly to its source, despite the entire house being lit. They start to imagine the room as dark, so they fly directly to the light. Today there are electric bug killers which emit a light to attract the bugs. The insects cannot tell the difference so they go to it and die. The problem the bugs have is that they cannot differentiate as to whether going to this light is beneficial or not. So why do moths do this? When they are in a room, they think they are in darkness and they think the light is the exit (like the light at the end of the tunnel).
This is just as the sinner, he doesn’t know that he is in a blessing of being a Muslim and that sins will destroy him; the light surrounding the fire is their destruction and they go straight to it. Those people fall into the fire due to following their desires over what Allah wants, even though the Messenger (Allah bless him and grant him peace) tries to prevent them. The light surrounding the fire is what causes the moths and insects to go to it; they think the light is good for them, just as the sinner thinks that sin is good for him. They cannot differentiate between the good and the bad. Who determines what is good and what is bad? Our Creator. What we feel is good does not necessarily good by the Divine criterion. Likewise, what we feel is bad may be good based on the Divine criterion.
"The Paradise is surrounded by hardships and the Fire is surrounded by temptations." [narrated by Muslim] This is the light which is what attracts the moths and insects to it, and it is the temptations and desires which attract the sinner. This hadith is a warning to us that the light that we perceive to be good, may not be so. This is a warning against doing anything that would be a reason for you to enter the Fire. The Messenger (Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave the parable of those who are disobedient from the Ummah as being like moths and insects. It is very important to help others; we must push the sinners away from sins just as the man pushes away the moths and insects so they don't fall into the fire.
How do you help your children from following the wrong light? Make sure they have good righteous companions and keep them away from bad company, and be a good example for them.
The most important characteristic that we should have is trustworthiness. Being untrustworthy is a despicable trait. Everyone detests an untrustworthy person. We take our example from the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace). The most famous characteristics of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) before his Prophethood was honesty and trustworthiness. Even his enemies trusted him with their property. At the end of his final farewell sermon, he said: “O people, whoever of you who has been entrusted must render their trusts.” Then the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace), extended his hands and said, “Now I have passed the message so it’s up to whoever has seen me to pass this on to those who aren’t here, for perhaps someone who hears it from them will benefit more than the one who passed it on”.
Allah Most High says,
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لَا تَخُونُوا اللَّـهَ وَالرَّسُولَ وَتَخُونُوا أَمَانَاتِكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ تَعْلَمُونَ
O ye that believe! betray not the trust of Allah and the Messenger, nor misappropriate knowingly things entrusted to you. (Qur'an Al Anfal 8:27)
If we neglect the orders of Allah and His Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace), we are essentially betraying the trust of Allah and His Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace). Everything in our lives is in the form of a trust from Allah--our children, our parents, our body, our possessions, our knowledge, our environment and so on. Everything belongs to Allah. Nothing belongs to us. We cannot do whatever we like with them. We must follow what the Owner wants us to do with them. Just like if your neighbor gives you the keys to his house and asks you to take care of his house for a month while he goes and visits his parents abroad, you do just that--take care of his house. You will make sure the lawn is watered and no menace comes to the house. Actually you would take care of his house better than you would yours if you are a good neighbor. But you don't invite your friends and have a party by his pool. Just because you have access to his house, that doesn't mean you own his house.
Violating the trust of Allah is not a small matter. We will be accountable in the Day of Judgment and the consequence is grave. Actually, we we will see the ill consequences of the violation in this life before the next. Our children should know this. As well, we should know that our children are a trust to us. If we don't teach them to worship their Lord and how to worship Him, we have violated that trust, and everyone will suffer, not just your children, not just you, it is the society as a whole as well.
One of the great concerns of many parents is the issue of boyfriend-girlfriend and fornication. Of course, we all know there is no such thing in Islam as boyfriend and girlfriend. You are either married or you are not. This is what we have to ingrain in our children at the early age, and to not allow free mixing of genders at all. If you allow free mixing, thinking that it is a harmless culture, you are opening the door wide open for the Shaytan to destroy them and our families.
And so, it is important that we start teaching our children haya' (modesty, shyness, bashfulness, sense of shame) especially around the opposite gender. Regarding shyness, we have a great example. Abu Said Al Khudri, Allah be pleased with him, reported that the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, was more shy than a virgin girl in her own room. (Bukhari)
If we instill haya' in them at an early age then, whenever our children are near the vicinity of the opposite gender, they will feel shy and, therefore, will not act inappropriately. It is also important that we keep the communication channels open with our children so that we can talk and explain to them things, and they can ask us questions, without any party feeling embarrassed. Then, when they are older, and with help from us, they will begin to understand why it is that there cannot be a thing called 'the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship'.
For girls, it is important to teach them not to make their voices seductive or sweet in front of non-Mahrams (Mahrams are people they cannot marry in Islam). This is done by lowering the voice and not being flirtatious. As Allah addressed to the wives of Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, "...If you fear Allah, then do not be soft in speech [to men], lest he in whose heart is disease should covet, but speak with appropriate speech." (Qur'an Al-Ahzab 33:32). Thus, it is not appropriate for girls to giggle or laugh aloud with guys.
We should acquaint our girls with wearing proper hijabs and modest, non-fitting clothing before puberty so they are used to them before they reach puberty. And by the time they reach puberty they are already wearing hijab and they learn not to draw attention to themselves. It is a big mistake to begin your little girls with dresses or clothing that are considered seductive in women and to allow or encourage them to put nail/toe polish or make up, even for play or at home. What is the benefit?
As well for the boys, you should teach them to wear appropriate, non-fitting clothing; make them use to wearing long sleeves shirt and long pants; no tight jeans or shorts. Even though men's awra (nakedness) is much less than women, that doesn't mean they should show their chest and armpit hair and legs in public (especially in the masjid). There is nothing manly about it, in fact it is pretty gross. Imagine your wife with proper hijab or niqab walking beside you while you are in T-shirt and pants up to your knees in hot weather. What is wrong with this picture? Aren't you supposed to be the strong one?
We should tell the story in the Qur'an about Prophet Musa, alayhissalaam, with the people of Madyan. This is to teach your boys and girls proper manners when dealing with the opposite gender. It is one of honesty (no hidden agenda) and one of haya'. When the people of Madyan went to collect water, Prophet Musa alayhissalaam, found two women standing to the side, not able to get to the well to get some water because of the crowd. He didn't stay in his place, believing it would be rude to go speak to them? He went to them and asked them what was wrong in only two words مَا خَطْبُكُمَا. He didn’t elaborate and say ‘good evening, how are you? My name is such and such, what’s yours’ like most of us today. They told him that they couldn’t get any water because of the crowds and that their father was old which is why he couldn’t come himself. So he fetched their water. Notice how quick it was? Straight away he went and got their water. Look how gallant and gentlemanly he was, and look at the balance of his treatment. He didn’t ignore them and at the same time he didn't go off tangent and carry on with them. Then he went off to one side, as if he was the one who was shy! He stood to one side in the shade; he didn’t take out his card or give out his phone number or email address and tell them if they needed him again tomorrow to contact him! The girl described him as trustworthy. The Qur'an described the woman as being full of haya' when she was coming toward Prophet Musa alayhissalaam. She was covered with haya'. Everything she did was clear to the point and she avoided all misunderstanding.
وَلَمَّا تَوَجَّهَ تِلْقَاءَ مَدْيَنَ قَالَ عَسَىٰ رَبِّي أَن يَهْدِيَنِي سَوَاءَ السَّبِيلِ ﴿٢٢﴾ وَلَمَّا وَرَدَ مَاءَ مَدْيَنَ وَجَدَ عَلَيْهِ أُمَّةً مِّنَ النَّاسِ يَسْقُونَ وَوَجَدَ مِن دُونِهِمُ امْرَأَتَيْنِ تَذُودَانِ ۖ قَالَ مَا خَطْبُكُمَا ۖ قَالَتَا لَا نَسْقِي حَتَّىٰ يُصْدِرَ الرِّعَاءُ ۖ وَأَبُونَا شَيْخٌ كَبِيرٌ ﴿٢٣﴾ فَسَقَىٰ لَهُمَا ثُمَّ تَوَلَّىٰ إِلَى الظِّلِّ فَقَالَ رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ ﴿٢٤﴾ فَجَاءَتْهُ إِحْدَاهُمَا تَمْشِي عَلَى اسْتِحْيَاءٍ قَالَتْ إِنَّ أَبِي يَدْعُوكَ لِيَجْزِيَكَ أَجْرَ مَا سَقَيْتَ لَنَا ۚ فَلَمَّا جَاءَهُ وَقَصَّ عَلَيْهِ الْقَصَصَ قَالَ لَا تَخَفْ ۖ نَجَوْتَ مِنَ الْقَوْمِ الظَّالِمِينَ ﴿٢٥﴾ قَالَتْ إِحْدَاهُمَا يَا أَبَتِ اسْتَأْجِرْهُ ۖ إِنَّ خَيْرَ مَنِ اسْتَأْجَرْتَ الْقَوِيُّ الْأَمِينُ ﴿٢٦
And when he directed himself toward Madyan, he said, "Perhaps my Lord will guide me to the sound way." (22) And when he came to the well of Madyan, he found there a crowd of people watering [their flocks], and he found aside from them two women driving back [their flocks]. He said, "What is your circumstance?" They said, "We do not water until the shepherds dispatch [their flocks]; and our father is an old man." (23) So he watered [their flocks] for them; then he went back to the shade and said, "My Lord, indeed I am, for whatever good You would send down to me, in need." (24) Then one of the two women came to him walking with shyness. She said, "Indeed, my father invites you that he may reward you for having watered for us." So when he came to him and related to him the story, he said, "Fear not. You have escaped from the wrongdoing people." (25) One of the women said, "O my father, hire him. Indeed, the best one you can hire is the strong and the trustworthy." (26) [Qur'an, Al-Qasas 28:22-26
Be careful not to lose our sense of shame because the one whose sense of shame has been removed, has effectively lost himself.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said:
"Once Allah wants to perish a servant, He would remove his haya' from him. Once haya' is removed from him you’ll find him nothing but despicable. Once you find him despicable, honesty is removed from him. Once honesty is removed from him you’ll find him nothing but a treacherous person. Once you find him nothing but treacherous, mercy will be removed from him. Once mercy is removed from him you find him nothing but a damned and a cursed person.” (Ibn Majah)
O Allah, place light in my heart, and on my tongue light, and in my ears light and in my sight light, and above me light, and below me light, and to my right light, and to my left light, and before me light and behind me light. Place in my soul light. Magnify for me light, and amplify for me light. Make for me light, and make me light. O Allah, grant me light, and place light in my nerves, and in my body light and in my blood light and in my hair light and in my skin light. O Allah, make for me a light in my grave and a light in my bones. O Allah, increase me in light, increase me in light, increase me in light. Grant me light upon light.
May Allah help us and our children towards His Light. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.
Wassalaam
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