In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
What the family looks like today is not what it looked like in human history. How children are raised today is not how they were raised in any culture in human history. The world has changed dramatically. The extreme form of consumerism has invaded our homes with the invention of mass media, electronics, the internet and wifi. People have become addicted to consumer products to the worst degree.
We actually assume that our worth as human beings is related to these products. If you are not wearing a certain brand name clothes/shoes or the latest fashion (even hijabs and jilbabs), if you don't have the kind of phone that everybody has, if you don't have the internet speed as everybody else, if you don't buy the latest toy in the market for your kids, that you are worth less and somehow you are not equal to others. The moment you walked out of the Apple Store with a new iPhone, suddenly you feel cool. We have become zombie consumers.
Our children follow suit. We expose them to media where they are told to basically beg us to get them the new stuff. And we get them by hook or by crook. Where did we get all this money? WORK, WORK, WORK. So we find families whose children hardly see their parents because both parents have to work and if only one parent is working, usually the father, then that parent is pretty much an absent or a weekend parent.
So this is how we define success -- having lots of money to buy things. Essentially our idea of success has become money. And our idea of education has become a career that makes a lot of money. We sacrifice our life and our Deen to make sure our children become doctors, lawyers, engineers, or another high paying jobs so they can make lots of money to buy things.
This is very different from the old times. In the old times, to have an education means to understand yourself, to understand the world around you and to contribute to the world to make it a better place. To do this, you can't have just one field of study. You have to study many fields -- religion, Qur'an, Arabic, history, journalism, political science, math, science, etc. The most successful communities are the ones that don't limit their children in one field. Real education is not C++, Cisco certified, MBA or PhD or MD or JD/LLB. All that mean is that you can make money. It does not mean you are educated and it does not make you a better human being. There are many physicians, computer engineers, scientists, lawyers and other high paying professionals who are terrible human beings. Is this the "success" you want for your children?
If our children don't see in us the right definition of success in our conversations, they won't be able to understand what success mean. When parents are talking, children are listening. If your conversation is about movies, upgrading your house, bills, money, vacations, ballgames, concerts backbiting others, your children will come to know those things are important in life. But if you talk about Qur'an and the next life, about doing good to each other and helping someone, about visiting families, about the life of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam, about going to umrah/hajj and preparing for Ramadhan, then they will come to know that those things are important in life. You are the real counselors of your children.
Children and parents had a very organic relationship in the old world. Today, there is no conversation -- parents don't have time with their children. They don't really communicate with their children. We need to step up on our parenting. We have to have conversations with our children everyday, not a series of interrogations and commands, "Have you done your homework?," "Where is your grade/report card?" "Have you brush your teeth?," "Go brush your teeth!," "Go eat!," "Take the trash out!," "How much do you need?," "How late did you stay up last night?," but just talk with them, listen to them, even if they are talking nonsense. Don't be a wall in the house that, while walls are important to keep eyes from looking in and protect them, you need to take an active part in their lives, or you will suffer the consequences later when they don't need you to give money to them anymore.
Parents have to teach Islam to their kids. It has to come from you, not the Iman of the masjid, not the scholars. Whenever Allah talks about children getting guidance in the Quran, it is always from parents and within the parents, it is always the father [examples Luqman, Prophet Ibrahim, Prophet Ya'qub).
وَإِذْ قَالَ لُقْمَـٰنُ لِٱبْنِهِۦ وَهُوَ يَعِظُهُۥ يَـٰبُنَىَّ لَا تُشْرِكْ بِٱللَّـهِ ۖ إِنَّ ٱلشِّرْكَ لَظُلْمٌ عَظِيمٌ ﴿١٣[Qur'an, Luqman 31:13]
And [mention, O Muhammad], when Luqman said to his son while he was instructing him, "O my son, do not associate [anything] with Allah. Indeed, association [with him] is great injustice." (13)
يَـٰبُنَىَّ إِنَّهَآ إِن تَكُ مِثْقَالَ حَبَّةٍ مِّنْ خَرْدَلٍ فَتَكُن فِى صَخْرَةٍ أَوْ فِى ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتِ أَوْ فِى ٱلْأَرْضِ يَأْتِ بِهَا ٱللَّـهُ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّـهَ لَطِيفٌ خَبِيرٌ ﴿١٦﴾ يَـٰبُنَىَّ أَقِمِ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ وَأْمُرْ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ وَٱنْهَ عَنِ ٱلْمُنكَرِ وَٱصْبِرْ عَلَىٰ مَآ أَصَابَكَ ۖ إِنَّ ذَٰلِكَ مِنْ عَزْمِ ٱلْأُمُورِ ﴿١٧﴾ وَلَا تُصَعِّرْ خَدَّكَ لِلنَّاسِ وَلَا تَمْشِ فِى ٱلْأَرْضِ مَرَحًا ۖ إِنَّ ٱللَّـهَ لَا يُحِبُّ كُلَّ مُخْتَالٍ فَخُورٍ ﴿١٨﴾ وَٱقْصِدْ فِى مَشْيِكَ وَٱغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ ٱلْأَصْوَٰتِ لَصَوْتُ ٱلْحَمِيرِ ﴿١٩[Qur'an, Luqman 31:16-19]
[And Luqman said], "O my son, indeed if wrong should be the weight of a mustard seed and should be within a rock or [anywhere] in the heavens or in the earth, Allah will bring it forth. Indeed, Allah is Subtle and Acquainted. (16) O my son, establish prayer, enjoin what is right, forbid what is wrong, and be patient over what befalls you. Indeed, [all] that is of the matters [requiring] determination. (17) And do not turn your cheek [in contempt] toward people and do not walk through the earth exultantly. Indeed, Allah does not like everyone self-deluded and boastful. (18) And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys." (19)
Islam is not on auto pilot, not before, and certainly not today. You have to steer it into your homes so you can wash away the pollution that you have allowed to enter into your homes. We have to learn Qur'an and love it. When your children become parents, they will tell their children about how much you love Islam and the Qur'an and their children will tell your grandchildren how much you and their parents love Islam and the Qur'an and the tradition goes on until Qiyamah, inshaAllah. This is what happen with Ibrahim, Ishaq and Ya'qub (alayhumus salaam) as Allah told us in the Qur'an.
وَوَصَّىٰ بِهَآ إِبْرَٰهِـۧمُ بَنِيهِ وَيَعْقُوبُ يَـٰبَنِىَّ إِنَّ ٱللَّـهَ ٱصْطَفَىٰ لَكُمُ ٱلدِّينَ فَلَا تَمُوتُنَّ إِلَّا وَأَنتُم مُّسْلِمُونَ ﴿١٣٢﴾ أَمْ كُنتُمْ شُهَدَآءَ إِذْ حَضَرَ يَعْقُوبَ ٱلْمَوْتُ إِذْ قَالَ لِبَنِيهِ مَا تَعْبُدُونَ مِنۢ بَعْدِى قَالُوا۟ نَعْبُدُ إِلَـٰهَكَ وَإِلَـٰهَ ءَابَآئِكَ إِبْرَٰهِـۧمَ وَإِسْمَـٰعِيلَ وَإِسْحَـٰقَ إِلَـٰهًا وَٰحِدًا وَنَحْنُ لَهُۥ مُسْلِمُونَ ﴿١٣٣﴾ تِلْكَ أُمَّةٌ قَدْ خَلَتْ ۖ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتْ وَلَكُم مَّا كَسَبْتُمْ ۖ وَلَا تُسْـَٔلُونَ عَمَّا كَانُوا۟ يَعْمَلُونَ ﴿١٣٤
And Ibrahim (Abraham) instructed his sons [to do the same] and [so did] Ya'qub (Jacob), [saying], "O my sons, indeed Allah has chosen for you this religion, so do not die except while you are Muslims." (132) Or were you witnesses when death approached Ya'qub, when he said to his sons, "What will you worship after me?" They said, "We will worship your God and the God of your fathers, Ibrahim and Ismail (Ishmael) and Ishaq (Isaac) - one God. And we are Muslims [in submission] to Him." (133)
That was a nation which has passed on. It will have [the consequence of] what it earned, and you will have what you have earned. And you will not be asked about what they used to do. (134)
[Qur'an, Al-Baqarah 2:132-134]
Indeed, we will be asked about what we used to do. So, what are you doing with your children?
Begin sitting with your family and recite Qur'an together for 20-30 minutes everyday. Also listen to/read the explanation of what you have recited with them. Pick a good time (after Fajr prayer or between Maghrib and 'Isha prayer). Commit to this with your children. Tell your children the amazing stories in the Qur'an -- but remember you can't tell them that the stories are amazing if you yourself are not amazed with the stories. The Qur'an have the best of stories.
The memory that we want to leave with our children after we die is something like this - "My father really liked soccer but he loved Qur'an much and he made sure we love Qur'an much too" and "My mother really liked to try new recipes but she loved Qur'an much and made sure we love Qur'an much too." Not which TV series you loved to watch, which football player/ball team you loved, what kind of movies you loved to see, what concerts you loved to go to, what music you loved to listen to, who were your favorite entertainment artists, etc.
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous. Ameen.
Please don't forget us in your night prayers. Jazakum Allahu khairan.
And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam
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