In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum
Dear Friends
I pray that you are well.
The Messenger of Allah (sallaAllahu ‘alayhi wasallam) was sitting with a group of sahabah (radhiAllahu anhum) in the masjid and he said “A man will now enter who is from the people of Paradise” and a sahabi walked in. He (sallaAllahu ‘alayhi wasallam) did this for 3 days, and every time, it was the same person who entered the masjid. Abdullah bin ‘Amr ibn al-'Aas (radi Allahu anhuma) wanted to know what quality this man possessed that made the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) say that about him, so he spent three nights with that man. 'Abdullah noticed that the man didn’t do anything out of the ordinary - he didn’t fast all the time, he slept some of the night, he didn’t pray tahajjud and so on. So after the 3 days, 'Abdullah told him the real reason why he requested to stay with him - that he was singled out to be from the people of Paradise and wanted to know why - and he asked him what it was that could be the reason why he was from the people of Jannah. The man replied: “My deeds are nothing more than what you saw”. When 'Abdullah left, he called him back in and said: “My deeds are nothing more than what you saw, but every night, before I go to sleep, I forgive whoever has wronged me. I remove any bad feelings towards anyone from my heart.” Thereupon ‘Abdullah said to him: “This difficult quality to obtain is what granted you this rank”. [Ahmad]
That is what it means to be true believer. Our focus is not simply in how much we pray, although that has its place. Rather we are so focused on gaining the pleasure of Allah that people’s wrongs against us are insignificant. This is why Allah described the believers as,
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَجْتَنِبُونَ كَبَـٰٓئِرَ ٱلْإِثْمِ وَٱلْفَوَٰحِشَ وَإِذَا مَا غَضِبُوا۟ هُمْ يَغْفِرُونَ ﴿٣٧[Qur'an, ash-Shu’ara 42:37].
And those who avoid the major sins and immoralities, and when they are angry, they forgive, (37)
Many of us can't forgive our parents or people close to us when they say hurtful things in anger. We hold grudges for years, unable to forget the things people have done to us. On the one hand, we feel justified in feeling this way. After all, we are the ones wronged.
It is natural to be upset at someone when they've hurt you. The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) told us that a Muslim is not allowed to break off ties with another Muslim for more than 3 days, recognizing that we need time to cool off. Yet what is unhealthy, and often destructive, is the inability to forgive and move on.
The inability to forgive affects us spiritually and psychologically, and has a detrimental effect on our health. One study showed that people who focused on a personal grudge had increased blood pressure and heart rates, as well as increased muscle tension and feelings of being less in control. Participants in this study were asked to imagine forgiving their wrongdoers, and they said they felt more positive and relaxed and thus, the changes disappeared.
Forgiving means not carrying a grudge in your heart against that person. Forgiving means that if you were given the chance to retaliate, you would choose not to. Forgiving means not wishing evil, even if secretly, upon the person. It means you can continue to be civil towards them, and that you can even bring yourself to pray for their well-being and guidance.
Forgiveness does not mean that you cannot learn from the trial. It doesn’t mean that the person did not do wrong, nor does it justify what they did. If you trusted someone and they betrayed your trust, forgiveness does not mean that you have to trust them again if they haven’t given you reason to. You are able to treat them well, without resentment in your heart, but if you learned something about their character, you should keep that in mind when dealing with them.
Forgiveness is not for the weak. Being able to forgive those who have wronged you is a mark of spiritual strength and confidence. When you forgive, you grow, your heart begins to heal, your back straightens up, your eyes clear so that you can see the road ahead.
It doesn’t matter if the other person deserves forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. If someone has hurt you, don’t worry about receiving an apology or explanation, or making them understand you. You’ll rarely get an explanation that makes sense. In fact, if you want to move on, the best way to do that is to forgive.
Resentment is a chain that binds you to the other person, but forgiveness breaks the chain, so that you can release that person along your anger.
Anger is a spiritual sickness; but when you forgive you become healthy--mind, body and soul.
In ancient Chinese thought, the state of forgiveness is like a wide, deep valley. That’s because it opens your mind and allows your thoughts to flow freely, while anger constricts your mind and makes you blind.
When we are preoccupied with the wrongs others have committed against us, we lose focus of one of the most beautiful ways to get closer to Allah. The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said:
“There was a merchant who used to extend credit to people. If he found one of his customers to be in straightened means, he would say to his assistants: “Forgive them their debt, perhaps Allah will forgive us.” Allah did forgive him.” [Bukhari/Muslim]
There is a direct correlation between the ways we treat others and how Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta’ala) treats us. We all know the Prophet’s (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) famous saying “Have mercy on those on the earth, and the One in heaven will have mercy on you” [Tirmidhi].
Of course, Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta’ala) is incomparably greater and more merciful than us. Therefore, whatever we do for others, Allah will multiply that for us. If we are sincere in wanting Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta’ala) to forgive us for our many slip-ups and sins, we should be prepared to do that for others.
We are not being asked to condone what others have done to us, but rather we should acknowledge that they have hurt us and it was wrong. We should reflect on why this was hurtful, what may have been the motives of the person who hurt us, and what we should learn. And then we should move on, because we cannot change the past, but we can certainly use it to empower ourselves and become better people, inshaa Allah.
When we take the step to learn from a hurtful experience, we should be able to prevent ourselves from doing the same to others. Many times we condemn what we do ourselves- we are hurt that someone has spoken behind our backs, but we backbite all the time. We feel slighted when we are not appreciated by our parents, but never once did we recognize and thank others for the things they do for us. This introspection should help us to gain greater clarity into our own dealings with people.
Forgiving others teaches us empathy. When we let go of anger, we can better understand those who are put in the same situation that we were in previously. Sometimes it helps us to not demonize the person who hurt us; the specific thing that they did may have been bad, but when we step back, we sometimes learn that they have their own baggage that caused them to act in a certain way. This is not to condone what they did, but it is to enable us to see that the world is not always so black and white.
خُذِ ٱلْعَفْوَ وَأْمُرْ بِٱلْعُرْفِ وَأَعْرِضْ عَنِ ٱلْجَـٰهِلِينَ ﴿١٩٩(Qur’an, Al-A'raf 7:199]
Hold to forgiveness, command what is right, and turn away from the ignorant.
In other words be constantly forgiving but don’t give up your principles (“command what is right”). If you’ve forgiven the ignorant and they persist in their hurtful ways, then move on and leave them behind. Separate yourself from those who are negative, and seek the company of people who are supportive and kind. Hold no rancor. When you lay your head on the pillow, sleep in peace, and you’ll wake up with tranquility.
We can learn forgiveness from our small children or grandchildren. Even when you made mistakes to them, their love flow like a mountain stream, no grudges whatsoever. No one forgives with more grace than a child, and no one forgives more fully and perfect than our Lord, the All-Merciful, the All-Wise.
May Allah give us the strength to forgive others for their faults and grant us well-being in this life and the next. Ameen.
Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wasallam.
And Allah knows best and He alone grant success.
Wassalaam
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